...it's a new year

Blessings to all:)

I feel so much guilt for everyone who aches for me...I will survive, yet I will always remember.

Simon & Garfunkel - Bookends - HQ - Lyrics

...hello blog, where have you been?

It seems like I'm forever having to set new passwords for anything I use on the computer...for lack of use. Tonight was no exception. I made it  through the holidays with flying colors.

I had a facebook friend post something that I will plagiarize,"The end of 2011 is truly a cause for celebration".... In my world, a new year of hope.

...I'll be home for Christmas

Even though my mom moved to Lincoln,Ne, many years ago...home is always where she is:) I started packing the car tonight and held some things back, because in my mind I thought, Jack can pack that for later. Talk about a mind blow.

I think about him more this time of year, maybe not the miss factor, but the stress factor. Jack's clients would try to use up their advertising budgets by the end of the year...or they would pre-bill and pay him for work that would be completed the following year. Yet, he had to estimate and send bills prior. He could barely get out of town......but he brought the Santa gifts, sometimes the Waterfront clam chowder for Christmas Eve...damn, I miss my Scrooge.

...simply remember your favorite things

...and then you won't feel so bad. Words to live by. If I could only heed to my own advice.

Sound of Music ~ My Favorite Things ~ Lyrics

...trombones, ice skating and math

...that's how I sum up my day.

This is my new normal...and it's going to be okay. Maybe I'm lying a little bit.

Dr. Jeckyl & Mr. Hyde...that's me

...who is Barb?

Sarah McLachlan - Angel

..it is a blessed season

I thought about Jack during this song...but mostly it's a tribute to my earth angels, who wrap their arms around me everyday, with laughs,calls,texts and hugs. This was for you:)

...Sunday hugs

Ben and I have a tradition of snuggling up together on the couch. Jack was a morning guy..Ben and myself, not. We just don't talk. Jack was cheerful...too cheerful. Jack understood me, but I finally had to tell him about Ben. To this day, Ben and I don't speak to each other, nod maybe...but then the snuggle comes in, somehow a tickle may happen...and we're both ready to have a good day:) Silence can be golden:)

...I'm not Sherlock Holmes

Getting into the brain of an 11 year old ...is tough. Sweet and tender, yet he can still make bad choices.
I tucked him into bed tonight and told him to start wearing his WWJD  bracelet, although I told him to think...what would Jack do.

Damn you Jack, none of this should be happening.

Joni Mitchell - The Circle Game

..new season

This song is a homage to my Pi Phi sisters, we rocked:) It also gives me pause, raising this son of mine, also making me pause once again, thinking about how many seasons Jack has been gone.

...if I could save time in a bottle

...the first that I'd like to do..

I loved Jim Croce growing up, I thought this song would be appropriate for tonight, after listening 4 times, I didn't feel the vibe. I'm somewhat aesthetic dealing will proper artistic choices. Wrong feel.

I've been off the radar, except for Ben. This boy amazes me, we're going ice skating tomorrow, so he can furthur explore his hockey dreams:)  I also watched a lot of gold panning on TV this evening, so we can travel to a state where it could happen:). Love his imagination:)

... is to save every day, till eternity passes away, just to spend them with you.

Please Jack..still watch us, love us, and miss us, just as much as we do too. I have got the best support team, but I still use your theories on major decision making...you taught me well.

...just taking a pause

...

...that's what friends are for

I cannot even describe what friendship means to me. It's funny, when Jack was alive, they all slipped,much to my chagrin. My re-kindled friends, from high school, and my sorority, plus the one's I've known since Ben was 5...and my new one's,have been my life support. Thank-you all.

Ben asked me tonight what I was going to do tomorrow, I said trim the tree...he said , mom go to Adel and transfer the titles on the cars.

He looks after me so much, yet, it's my job to get his stuff in the car every morning for school..hmm.

...no words

...except gratitude. That pretty much sums up anyone's existence who is struggling...just keep on keeping, and be thankful for your people. I passed a major double whammy, Thanksgiving and Jack's birthday. I survived, with my friend's support and random phone calls I made.My family is just used to me by now. I believe we all have inner strength, that may only show itself in our darkest times. We need to be kind to ourselves, so we can help serve other friends. My palette, is in motion, yet, I have a strong urge to reach out to my friends, who may need my help.

...smooth sailing

We survived the last two days.  After Ben went to sleep, I played Elvis Costello songs and smiled about my time with Jack. How lucky was I to have him as mine...how lucky was Ben to have him as his father.

...blessed Thanksgiving

Even though I've experienced so much loss and grief these last 7months...and I struggle, I'm still thankful. I can't even describe the outpouring of love, support and hope I've recieved. This will be a toughie, at Jack's parents house for the holiday, but, I've got God's love to keep me strong, plus all my people!

I tucked Ben into bed tonight, and told him we would buy 1 piece of Jack's favorite cake, carrot, for Jack's birthday on the day after Thanksgiving. He smiled at me, as he rolled over to fall asleep.

I love that boy so much...it makes me ache to put myself in his situation...he does love mashed potatoes though:) Everyone who tunes in, love your people, break bread, and give thanks for what you have.

...baby steps

A baby's first steps are so joyful, yet worrisome, you smile,laugh and aso want to protect...sometimes frustrating for a pre-toddler. Hazel, is now walking. It makes me smile. I'm still tripping and falling, only cuz the new shoes I've been given, don't fit. Jack's birthday is the day after Thanksgiving..how ironic is that. I give thanks everyday, yet, I will be learning how to walk again...after that 1st milestone. Baby steps. No worries, it's part of the insoles of my new shoes:)...they just hurt.

...holy crap

I'm finally back on, small miracle. Ben has a habit of re-changing passwords lately. I'm not mad, cuz I have the upper hand right now.

I feel like I'm still on my Dionne Warwick merry-go-round...gotta get off.., gonna get off.

When?

..and wondering why.

...I posted this song on facebook

Sorry for the repost on a song, I love this song so much. I have follower's who are not on facebook so for some, a repeat. I have learned the culprit on all my passwords being changed...boys, wanting to post basketball shots from Ben's flip camera. All my accounts were reset, just getting into the gist of it all after this post.

I will not be mad at him tomorrow, he was only trying to post a video of basketball shots...a heads up on account changes would have been appreciated, especially because I had no idea we had a basketball game this afternoon.

Life is good though...kinda. In Ben's busy day at home, he took the time to snuggle with me. At one point he said, "mom, did you know a baby thrives more, snuggled up listening to it's mom's heartbeat. I smiled to myself, cuz he was already there, professing something as we were snuggling. No way in chance was I gonna call him out on that one:)

Theme from "Valley of the Dolls" by Dionne Warwick {lyrics}

...nothing major

...except for the fact that I've been on the phone with AOL for the last hour, wondering why my account was cancelled after I logged on. Getting past the computerized voice to speak with a human probably took the longest. I'm putting blame on my son, changing passwords to put trick basketball plays on You-Tube...just a hunch.

I mentioned on FB that Ben's guidance counselor called me today. Tonight, I asked him about his dad. He told me he blocks it out...not a good sign, I'm probably in the same boat.

To steal a part of Adele's song, "Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead."

...day is done

Ben is 11, I'm wiped out...and it's been 7months, all in one day.

...if I could put time in a bottle

...the first thing that I'd like to do...is slow down time. My baby will be turning 11.

Since Jack's death, I've lost some weight, not on purpose.

My sister Debbie, called me yesterday, about her health...it sucks getting old. She got a trifecta, plus one.
After she vented , I listened, gave her my "i should have been a doctor advice", she asked me how I was feeling health wise. I told her fine...she droned on and on how lucky I was for that.  I freaked out and said don't say that, cuz you are jinxing me. I've been paranoid since.

I've somehow lost my cheap Timex watch. It was so old. It's not like I ever ran a marathon. It was perfect for my line of work. It has probably slipped off my wrist, somewhere in my house, dang it Deb, work me through this one.

I still wish I could bottle up my little buddy, and keep him tiny....bottom line, he is an awesome boy. Time goes by so fast..I want to slow it down, what a perfect gift that would be.

I will find my watch...for tonight, it was perfect, not keeping time.

...getting updates on the computer sucks

I up loaded some new computer updates. I found myself having to  re-enter new passwords, etc. It has been a hassle.. only for me to say, get your ass back home Jack, that was your department. I just bought Ben a major gift for his birthday and where were you for the open discussion?

...trick or treat

Beggar's night has been long over, I have been reflecting on past years...when it was the three of us. I remember one year, when Ben was probably two or three. They only stayed out for an hour max. I always gave out the treats and made chili. Jack, hated being the treat giver. My memory takes me back to a year when I had Jack answer the door. I busted him giving out fistfuls of chocolate. I read him the riot act, in a fun way, and tickled the crap out of him in his ticklish spots. He laughed so hard and we were so happy. 

...off the radar

My thoughts, recently, have put me in a recluse kind of way. My brain can be my worst enemy. I made a doctor's appointment for the beginning of December...just need to get through November. I lost a friend on November 3rd, it will be two years. Ben's 11th birthday will be on the 6th, that will be hard. Jack totally celebrated the day of his birth. Jack's birthday is on the 25th, right after Thanksgiving...ouch on my heart and soul.

...I love life

What a weird friggin day I had...some good, some just Twin Peaks...translation wouldn't print well. No worries, going to bed smiling in an odd way. I guess Halloween is a'coming.

Maybe my senses want to wake up..who knows...I'll wait till November.

...hiccups suck

I think my new life has been a hiccup,good days and bad days. I had some great moments on the phone...but the hiccups got in the way. I'm not even sure if that is the correct way to spell a hiccup. I made a concoction of tabasco sauce and grape kool-aid,,,it should have been something acidic. It was a small sip...yet I immediatately puked...before I made it to the bathroom. That is gross, yet true. Note to self...we need orange juice. I used to make it for Jack, when he had the hiccups, cured them everytime.

Jack's birthday is coming up..I'm dreading that day. That thin line between love and hate is ever so present, Ben and I still need him.

I will probably continue to have hiccups, in this first year, yet, hopefully, I'll grow.

...perlexed

I've been living my new normal for awhile now, yet I still don't get it. I lied to the heater guy to check out my furnace, wanted him to think Jack was still in the picture.Maybe I  feel vulnerable. I will probably continue to do that for a while, it gives me a sense of security..not sure if that's the correct approach.Ben's security is by far my utmost concern, so if I have to lie about the "man" of the house, I'm all about it...even though lying has never been a principle I have ever adhered to.

...dear Jack, it's now 6 months

...so you left us. I still feel so much love, anger and remembrance..what a tough pill to swallow.
Our boy is awesome, I wish you were here to guide him more. No worries though, Neil has stuck around, they are forging a friendship. You would be proud of Ben. He made student council, plays the trombone and had a fantastic 1st year tackle football season. I've got him playing basketball with sports plex , I know you hated their disorganization. No worries Jack, I will eventually get him back into swimming,when he's ready.

 I stare at Ben while he's asleep, I kiss his forehead for you,just like you did everynight. His prolife is the spitting image of you, that gives me comfort..except he doesn't snore:) Sorry pal, i just busted you.. but please keep watching over us.

...black tulip

I may not be whole, but I'm still in the game.

...10yrs old

Who am I kidding, I can't even believe I thought I could get back into the first person with this blog. I started my dialouge on facebook. Ben is well, no worries there. After his football practice,dinner and shower, he didn't feel like doing homework,until the a.m. I reciprocated,by not watching my two favorite programs.

We just talked...I do believe Amanda the Panda, as well as church are in our future.

I'm postponing spreading a portion of Jack's ashes, I want Ben to be old enough to remember. He gets it now, but at age 10, he will forget...just ask my sister Pam.

I will never let Ben forget his dad.

...mother in-laws

You love them, yet can hate them. I'm lucky, I love my mother in-law. She was my florence of nightingale, as I dealt with accountant, attorney and bankers. I got more done in 2 days then I ever would have with a healthy child. By now, you get the drill, I'm a sloth.  I have a few more loose ends...maybe I need her to come babysit me, since Ben is better and will be back to school..

She loves her Ben, I can't blame her.

I started this blog in the 1st person, since I've learned people read it, I've found myself only writing in the 3rd person. I'm going back to the old way..I need to bare my soul, unemcumbered...it may get bumpy.

...broken promises

The premise of this blog was to write everyday for one year...yes, I have fudged. That's a tough pill to swallow...between my mood in any given week and, now, my internet being down for almost 48hrs.

It's not like I have anything earth shattering to share, except for a puking boy...Jack was so much better in that department, ever so kind and nurturing. My aftermath was to deal with whatever Jack used as a wipe up cloth....I'm good at laundry.

I broke promises with this blog..yet Jack broke promises by leaving us.

...I suck at being a widow

I think I'm a slow learner. Yesterday, was 6 months... clueless to where that time went, or any meaningful conversations I may have had, or any real progress I've made. It's all been a temporary memory loss...except for Ben. Don't get me wrong, my turtle paces are moving. My tax extension is almost complete. I spent 5hrs today figuring out Jack's estimated tax payments he made. Got it done at 4:45pm.

...how do you keep the music playing

Without much detail, I've had an interesting last few days...including more destruction in the backyard. I met with an attorney today, everything is in place. It was pretty cut and dry. My attorney gave me phone call chores to do, and I got them all done. I need a stranger to tell me what to do...then I move. It seems like I use Jack's name out loud, more often than I used to. Through, our time together, this song floated in my brain...and came back into it in the last few months...how?

Silver lining's don't exist..a good friend learned of some devasting news today, nothing I could do to help.
Maybe that's the secret. We can't rely on anyone, but ourselves, to pick up our pieces...friends are just the icing on the cake:) My heart is always open...strangers as well. That's another story:)

James Ingram & Patti Austin - How do you keep the music playing

...unexpected emails

I wasn't sure if I would write tonight...a late night laugh fest with a friend, still keeps me up.

Jack and myself, had a good friend named Phil. He died three years ago. It shook Jack's core...mine too. Jack and Phil graduated from high school together, swam together, on the the same high school team...lifegaurded together. Basically, they knew each other longer than I mention. They were both members of the Delt house at ISU. Someone like Phil, is embedded in your life...he was one of the good guys.

I recieved an email from his widow, Julie last night. I haven't responded. My brain is so clouded on what to say to her, even though she gets it. We're in the same club...but my cerebullum is in the way.

...fall is a'coming

I wasn't going to blog this evening. Aside from Ben's stuff...the good, bad and ugly, I discovered a new friend...and was reminded of the beauty of nature. How peaceful is that. Take time, to discover the changing colors and let it bring you back to a carefree, innocent time in your life...they were the best of times.

...Ben completes me

I mentioned something to Ben tonight, as he was getting ready to jump into the shower. A friend of mine, recently started dating, after almost 2yrs  from losing his wife. I told Ben about it, so it wouldn't be a shock to him. He turned around from adjusting the water temperature, and asked me if I were ever going to get remarried. I said, probably not, you're all I can handle. He just grinned at me, with that killer smile.

...it is the laughter

I miss the laughter.

Barbara Streisand - The Way We Were (Lyrics)

...I need to switch hats

There's nothing like a road trip on a Sunday, not. although in my college days...no problem:) .I have no idea why I thought I would be productive today.  I felt it, I knew Ben felt it as well, when he got home from football practice. We were just owlish with each other.

I've got major crap to deal with. I seem to be able to focus on Ben's needs, not my pressing details.
I've got to finish off with info for the accountant, before my extension is up. I have attorney stuff to deal with, as well.

My problem is, I'm sustaining my boy...but I keep forgetting to put on the other hat, Jack's hat, the one that needs major attention, to run a complete household. I'm both parents..and I feel like I'm failing, although, the mother in me is on task...he is loved.

Some people look great in hats, not me...they look awkward on my head/ I should probably get used to it.

...silver lining's

Today, was a road trip. The plan was to leave at 6:30 am, drive to Minneapolis to see the Viking's play Detroit. Ben was so psyched. We had 4 tickets, so he invited two friends. I overslept by an hour, but it all worked out. I padded the time for unexpectancies...didn't think I'd use it before the trip began.

I had a hollow feeling about this trip, memories of the three of us, taking Ben to his first Twin's game. I knew Jack wanted to take Ben to his first Viking's game, and I wasn't feeling the best about it...but then I get 2 extra boys. Any hollowness I felt, was replaced with laughter, singing at the top of our lungs, and backseat boy craziness. There wasn't one glitch driving to The Mall of America, picking up the light rail, which took us right in front of the Metrodome. I panicked slightly, getting back on the routes that take you to I-35 S. Ben had drained most of my battery playing games from my phone. I couldn't call anyone, especially all my relatives who live in the area. Finally, realizing, I'm in charge, I just had to believe in myself.  For one split second, I panicked, until I saw the Albert Lea ramp entrance...I knew it was smooth sailing for the next 4hours. I could once again, get back into the frivolity that took place in my Honda:) 

Jack, if you're watching over us, the Vikings lost, but your boy had the best day ever...so did I.

...mornings are made for songbirds

I've tried to blog in the morning, I sit at the blank screen, drinking my de-caf coffee...and I got nothing. I'm just not a morning person, never have been. That's one of my qualities that Jack never fully grasped. He was always so happy in the morning...I couldn't give it back, until 15 minutes of wake-up time. My family gets it, he never did. Then Ben was born with the same morning disposition. Ben and I wouldn't say a word to each other. He would crawl into my lap and I would just hold him, no words ever spoken, until enough time passed and my tickle hands came out. Jack always thought Ben was mad at him...he just didn't get the first thing out of bed ritual.

My ritual is a nighttime blog, I can't change that either.

Today, I had two references mentioned to me about Jack, one in person, the other on the phone. It kinda throws you for a loop, or a fist shoved into your stomach. I fessed up to only one. What am I so afraid of? Afraid to say he died, afraid to take accountability for my new life, or maybe just afraid to try.

...changes

Last night, I went to bed early. I woke up charged, gotta alot of deep cleaning done. It may not be on the top of the priority list...but at least I moved. I also felt better... my Eason buddy's were probably the catalyst.  Tonight, my early bedtime was tharted, by an old college friend, the best of the best:)

Today, Jack only came into my mind about 15 times, maybe more.

I am going to heed Pam's advice . I will begin to post in the morning...since it's 1:25am right now, it may wait for a day.

I am so tempted to add David Bowie's song, "Changes"....but I will use some restraint...maybe that's my problem... I'm restrained from moving forward.

...i can't blog

I can't blog tonight. I can't blog because Ben let me lie in bed this morning, to gather my thoughts, after he had already gotten up.  I can't blog tonight because I made chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast and made someone very happy. I can't blog tonight as I watched Ben and Charlie mow my lawn., then watch Charlie's dad aerate. I can't blog tonight because I watched Ben's football team win in overtime, or blog about life's other daily joys I was a part of.

At this point, I can't blog, because I watched a rerun of Grey's Anatomy. George O'Malley had just died, Bailey wouldn't consent to any organ donations unless she knew who the recepients were. It was so sad...therefore, I can't blog tonight, because Jack didn't get that option...he wasn't viable. He had the most beautiful eyes.

...friggin allergies

Ragweed has gotten me down all week. I stocked up with a new arsenal of over the counter meds today. I also stepped foot into Ben's school for the first time this week. It was great to see my gal pals, they make me laugh. Maybe, that's what has been wrong with this whole week, I needed their energy!!

Today, I was productive. Spent most of it on the phone. I made appointments, changed all my beneficiaries on my assets and shingled my roof.  Okay, one of those was a lie:)...try to guess. I also filed tons of paperwork, discarded tons and felt good about this dreary day. Tonight, I had my neighbor come over to turn on our faux fireplace. Jack turned it off over a year ago, even though Ben and I loved it. We watched my college team play football tonight, with pizza, freshly made brownies, a faux fire and Ben's good friend. It felt cozy. It also helped having a new pair of slippers from red envelope. My beautiful cousin, inside and out thought my feet needed some pampering. These slippers are the bomb!! I think Ben and I will soon be starting a timer, for sharing purposes. Thanks Ang:)

Tomorrow morning, I just want to sleep in, try to get 7hrs...I wish

..time to set an alarm clock, no pun intended

I big time overslept this morning. I got a wake-up text from a dear friend, but I chose to give myself  a little more time. Early fall weather arrived...all I wanted was 15 more minutes. I fell asleep hard. I think it scared Ben. After Ben riled me at 8:15, with only 15minutes to get to school, all hell broke lose. I recieved some great school support this morning. Ben had a questionaire to fill out for the student council, all my fault. Besides, oversleeping, I had the form buried with a bunch of paperwork. I called his guidance counselor, to tip her off, his teacher had the acumen, that something was off. He got it turned in today, thanks to my great support team at Eason...I just continue to rack up points for Mother of the Year:)

My sister Pam, has often told me, that I should blog during the day...that doesn't work for me. Obviously, I do not shine well in the morning.

There is something about the night. Ben is cozy asleep, which gives me solitude. At this hour, I'm alone. All the demons, haunting my soul come out. I feel free to be honest, bare and unguarded. This is why the night works for me...I just need to figure out the mornings.

...it's all about family and friends

My mom gave me advice, right after Jack died, to not make any big decisions until after a year. I heed her words, only because she has walked the same walk. Last night, we spoke about a burial  time for Jack's remains, which are kept in a vault. I keep a smaller sealed container in my dining room hutch, for Ben & I to have closure. I don't understand what the rush is...I want to be lucid. I barely remember his service.

We spoke about Memorial Day week-end, she would be in town. I thought that was perfect.

I also spoke with my mother-in-law this evening. I love her so much...and I get her grief. When I told her about Jack's burial, she almost snapped at me...why are you waiting so long. I told her as hard as it is to lose a son, I lost my husband and the father of my son.We both cried, but she said she would support my decison. I need more business closure before that time...our tax extension is almost due...a bit preoccupied, trying to survive.

I may accidentally repost things..not on purpose.

My friend, Diana, has taken alot of my thank-you notes back to Chicago with her...writing them for me.
My sis, Pam. came up with a perfect template. I think I posted this once before...but it should be said again, because of the beauty of my people..friends and family.

"Sun follows rain, strenght follows pain, we will find a way."
Love, Barb and Ben

...these boots are made for walking...

I didn't post a blog, by choice, the last couple nights. The Iowa/ISU game zapped me out...especially since I found out my home was the given meeting place. I pulled it together and had a wonderful party..unless you were a Hawkeye fan. I was still hand washing all dishes. My repairman, for my dishwasher, came today. Prior to that, I recieved an 888 number that I had to answer, only cuz he was going to call in that 4hr window you get, when you need service. This call came from my phone service, wanting to talk about Jordison Writing Services and all the new business options that were now available.

If anyone recalls, I fought with my phone service months ago, cuz our home phone number was actually Jack's business line. I think I made this salesman crap his pants. I told him there is no more Jordison Writing Services, because he had died. Then I told him I've been trying to close the account for the last 5 months, and you won't let me, until the new directory will be updated. I kinda blew a gasket...he wanted off that call so bad:) Touche, telemarketers...don't mess with a newly 50yr old!! Tomorrow I alternate 2 cars getting service...be afraid Honda!

...let freedom reign

I went to our high school football game tonight. Before, the national anthem, there was a 9/11 tribute...on video. Relived that moment..when I saw it unfold, before Ben turned 1. The three of us were in the master bedroom getting ready for work. Ben was in his bouncy seat, while Jack and I took turns using the mirror...shaving, make-up etc. I saw it first and told Jack to get to the TV, we were confused. At first, Jack thought it was only a small private plane that made a wrong turn...then it became our reality.

During the video this evening, they played the song, "God Love the USA", at that moment, the band was starting to take the field, and all the youth football teams were lined up, ready to run the field and make the tunnel for the high school team. I quit watching the video and concentrated on our future, running to get into position...as the song kept playing. I will admit, it was emotional. I watched #3 the whole time.

Diana left town today and asked me if I were going to be okay. I reassured her that I would, although I think I had crossed my fingers as I said it. Good friends are like precious stones..so much beauty and you don't want to lose them.

As we approach the 10yr anniversary...hug your loved ones..but don't forget about your friends, cuz everyone has a story and we all need each other. Go Cyclones!!

...no words

....feeling a little melancholy this evening, all good:) Maybe, a bit reminiscent of people, places and things. I'm feeling a Debbie blog coming on soon. I saw her this evening...she makes me smile.

...birthday wishes for my little sister

...yes, I've changed the clock on this blog. I usually write at any given hour in the night and pretend it's still the night before. But, on this September 8th, my baby sister was born....5yrs younger, but still my partner in crime. Happy Happy to you and yours Pam:) Have a stellar day!

Diana, showed up on time this morning, but she threw me a curve ball...we didn't purge, she made me make avoided phone calls. The first call went off without a hitch, until I brought up our homeowner's insurance. If anyone remembers an earlier blog, I questioned whether I paid my property taxes or if my escrow did. 5 flip flop calls later to the County Treasurer's office and my mortgage company, my taxes come out of the escrow account. I paid them..over 2500 hundred. I just want my money back...that will take some time. I'm learning the hard way...just want to protect Ben.

Ben had his 1st football game this evening, out of town. We lost. I watched a father and son walking together to their car.I listened as the dad was giving advice to his son and talking about different plays....at that moment, I felt sad for Ben. I could compliment him on his tackles,blocks and 1st downs that he made...other than that, clueless.  Don't get me wrong, he was plowed down alot as well, the after shower back massage that I gave him, hit new spots of pain:)  Although, I have a total jammed finger from playing catch with him. It has now turned reddish purple and I can't even try to pry off Jack's wedding ring that I've been wearing on my right hand, since the first few days...of  then.

...everyone needs a little Di

. My friend Diana, came into town today, we've already filled up her SUV with Goodwill donations. She makes purging items so simple, kinda:) Tomorrow, we will be back at it. We had many laughs this evening. How lucky do I feel, to be able to call her my friend.

...I'm home

It's always a great time being at my mom's home, she makes it fun. I felt out of sorts a couple of times. This was my first visit back. Yes.. a first, that made me give pause.  Ben and I always went to my mom's right after school..he couldn't wait to get there. My vow to Jack was to always call...to let him know we made it okay. Jack always came later in the night or the next morning.

Out of habit, we got unloaded and I'm sitting in the bedroom where we always stay... at the edge of the bed, with my cell phone in hand, I almost called him, to tell him we were safe.

I am safe...I have my family and my dear friends. It was tough celebrating my birthday without Jack being there. He was just part of the family dichotomy, I felt less complete at dinner last night. My mom gave me two birthday cards last night...one was all fun about being my age...the other was to a daughter. She inscribed, "I am so proud of you, Barb. You're doing a great job"....flood gates opened.

...note to self... rely on your people and your family,  cuz they are the best medicine ever.

The part of Jack's death is macabre to me, it haunts me. This week-end Jack was missed, especially watching activities he would have been a part of. I do miss him on a daily basis.Thank God this was a trial run for Christmas..maybe I won't cry in my eggnog:)

Ben just jammed my right hand ring finger playing football this evening, thowing a hard bomb...it's tough being a dad...I also broke my fingernail:)

...going home

Tomorrow, Ben and myself, along with my nieces, Elie and Katy are driving westward to Lincoln Ne.  It may not be my home from growing up...but anywhere my mom is, it's home to me. We talk daily, always between 6 and 6:30 everynight, it's become a habit for me. Herb always knows it will be me on the phone.

Although we never solve the world's problems, we sure have fun trying.

Our trip will be ended earlier than I thought on Labor Day, we have been scheduled a football practice. Ben found out this evening his position will be a wingback...what in the heck does that even mean?  Ben's friend tried to simplify it for me by equating it to Vikings players..that helped. He will play Percy Harvin's position:)

Jack taught me a lot (that's for you Janna), about football, but the weird names of the positions kinda leave me clueless.

I always remind myself, on a daily basis, that everyone has a story, current stories that wrench my soul. I had my story, I'm now in survival mode..okay I lied. I'm dancing as fast as I can to hang in there.

To my friends with issues lets's dance together...this too shall pass. I can't wait to actually believe that. I now need to Google the origin of that saying, it's always been one of my favorites. Peace to all.

If I'm not on until the holiday is over, Happy Labor Day!

Falling Slowly, Once Lyrics

...I think I'm slipping... falling slowly

Since school started, I find myself concentrating on Ben's needs...not my own, like the adult stuff. We have definately become closer, Ben and I, but we need to wean our dependance of each other, and it will be okay if we do. Don't get me wrong, I love my boy, despite all the things that make me angry or any of his teachers who get or got frustrated with him...he's still a good boy.I just need to quit worrying about him so much and maybe worry about myself more...easier said then done.

I'm going to post a song that has nothing to do with this conversation, except for the title I wrote for this blog. This song has stuck in my mind. It's a beautiful song based on unrequited love and letting someone go..but it can also mean so much more, if you think outside the box. We all have time and we need to grab that brass ring on the merry-go-round when we have the chance. I've got friends who are doing that as I write...very proud of them.

I should probably start taking my own advice that I give Ben...if you're going to talk the talk...walk the walk. I've got to get out of my baby shoes... they're starting to feel too small, someone needs to pull the pacifier out of my mouth, so I can grasp reality.

...humility

I had to teach Ben about being humble this evening. The rumor from one friend to another, who passed it on to Ben, is that he's been bragging about his football playing. Granted, I know all boys toot their own horn, puff up their chests, so to speak...but not my kid. Jack and I are/were both self deprecating, especially with a compliment...we always chose to take ourselves down a notch while building someone else up.

As I explained to Ben, in bed this evening, being humble is one of the best qualities a friend/person can have.I explained it all in more depth, but bottom line, as I left the room...yep, still the guest room, I told him he could only talk the talk..if he could walk the walk. Based on the dirt, on his body, from getting tackled, I'm thinking after I walked out..he ate a little pie:)

SNL: I'm 50 Years Old

...age is just a number

Today is Monday, my least productive day of the week. The funny thing is, next Monday is my birthday, it falls on Labor Day...how ironic is that. I also move into a new decade, yet I can embrace that, an age is an age. The question is... will my new age be a prime number or a composite number? I'm trying to understand math, after my Algebra I teacher told me not to continue in math....really, he's a math teacher..help me.

My good friend, Diana, is coming into town after Labor Day, for a b-day dinner and to purge stuff out of my house..I know we will laugh a lot as she wants to get rid of accumulated stuff in my house, she saw it all after Jack died, yet I will give her reasons why I can't. It should be fun. Diana touches my soul...we all need somebody like that in our lives.

So, bottom line is, I will be turning 50 in one week, yippie...I don't care, cuz it just doesn't matter. I probably  won't mention it if I blog that night. Friends come and go in all aspects of our lives..we just need to embrace it all..cuz they give us happiness, courage and hope...and I give thanks to all my people.

I Love To Laugh - Mary Poppins

...I'm not a punching bag

I've got to quit beating myself up. Last night Ben was at a birthday party, families were invited to stay. I stayed for an hour and then left to "accomplish" stuff. My evening turned into phone calls from those I love. My mom, my niece and my dear college friend. I didn't get one thing done, but I laughed a lot...and it's okay. Stuff will eventually get done, but in that small window of time I relaxed, no worries about the boys. Did I forget to mention I laughed?

...godparents

I love love love my niece Kiley, we have so many private jokes or moments that crack us up, from when she was young. Comparatively speaking she is still a baby, even though she is married  to Erich and they have a beautiful baby boy who wanted to come out in this world 3months early.

Kiley and Erich are Ben's godparents and she called me this evening to take Ben to church tomorrow.
 I kinda apologized, only because I should be going...but Ki and Erich wanted a little one on one with my boy. How lucky am I....not for the free time, but the message.

I had a bad dream last night, kinda creepy. Jack showed up looking completely different from him.
His dark hair was more of an auburn tone, but it was missing in so many spots. He basically had a bowl haircut that went over his ears..thinning to the max, actually bald on top....what does that even mean? I was scared when I woke up.

...are you ready for some football

Passions change in our household, the flavor of the day is tackle football. My destroyed backyard is a mere glimpse of the fun the boys had earlier. I'm okay with that, a yard is only a yard.

Ben loves football. He has a long arm. I told him he would probably not be the quarterback, because that spot is usually reserved for the coach's son. Ben's friends told him even though he threw better he would be second string. Ben didn't care, cuz he wants to tackle and plow opponents down.

Jack loved football, he could help Ben so much more than I can. I've already signed up my neighbor to help Ben when he gets his playbook. The only thing I can help him is with drive, to push that extra mile even when you feel beat up and have nothing left to give. I'm not asking that he be a superstar, I'm only speaking from my competitive swimming days, reaching personal goals to get to the State Meet. 3 out of 4 ain't bad. Don't get me wrong, I was no superstar, I just had drive.

I am so clueless on raising a boy in sports. Much to Jack and my chagrin, Ben has been on a swimming hiatus for 3yrs.

I continue to get sympathy cards in the mail..it always gives me a jolt....Jack's job wasn't done yet.Chrissy Hynde sang it best..there's a thin line between love and hate..so true.

...the best part

...of waking up is meeting two friends for coffee this morning after dropping our kids off at school:) I'm in a pissed off at Jack mood tonight, so I'm done for this evening.

Until the next time...

...my boy wonder

How does one not keep a straight face when they see their boy putting on full football gear, helmet included, to do his reading for the day. He is on the cusp of being my little boy and turning into a little man. He uses his deordant, but I see him wiping it on his chest...seriously?

Ben loves football, the more accessories, the better:)

  As I acclimate to the new school year, I'm making strides...even though they may look like 11month old baby strides. I bagged up alot of Jack's clothing. Since I knew him forever, it wasn't that hard, I had been begging him to get rid of clothes years ago, especially his shirts from high school.

I'm feeling wistful this evening.

...mother knows best

Football practice offically started this evening, even though we've met for some non-mandatory practices.I've voluntered to be the driver to practice, with 2 of Ben's friends. I had a 2hr window this evening, I spoke with my mom the whole entire time. It's funny, we talk daily, but when I have a snippet of time we cover many topics. Tonight we covered everything, at one point I mentioned I have no memory... she just told me, you will not remember one thing about your 1st year. I may not have been productive in my span of time tonight...but it was priceless. I hope I remember my conversation with her:)

...it was a blessed day

It's hard for me to put into words the feelings I had today when Ben was baptized. Part of God's grace, was watching my nieces and my nephews baptize their own children in the same ceremony. It didn't go off without a hitch though. Hazel, wanted nothing to do with being baptized head back in the holy water. She wriggled her way face down. It made the congregation laugh.

I don't know why, but I well up at any baptism. To watch my great niece and nephew...and then my son, it was awe inspiring. The neat thing for Ben, which made me cry, was the fact that Pastor Caroline could actually look into Ben's eyes and explain what everything meant. He soaked it up like a sponge. She was so kind and I have never been so proud to call Ben... my son:)

Jack's presence was all around us. I saw it in his parents eyes and their tears.

My nephew, TJ, gave Ben and I a beautiful gift. TJ is friends with an oncolgist, who took a group of people to climb Mt. Everest. Many of the climbers were cancer survivors, while some were climbing for lost loved ones. They ascended with prayer flags that would make it to the top as they summitted the mountain. T-man, arranged for a prayer flag to travel to the top of Mt. Everest in Jack's honor. He gave us the flag today. The message said: "Reach for the Sky! In loving memory of Jack Jordison. Above& Beyond. Mt Everest 2011.
Behind that message is a flag in  the language , I'm guessing, the Nepalese. I can't wait to have it translated.

The fact that Jack's memory went to the top of  Everest and back and Ben's baptism, all rolled into one, makes me pause..but gives me hope. I was blessed today.

Templeton at the Fair

...our state fair is the best state fair

Why in the world have I spent two nights at the Iowa State Fair...I'm insane, but I was taken without my consent both nights. Sneaky Pam bought me a ticket to the Maroon 5/ Train concert last night. It was a group of women with their 15yr old daughters. I had a riot with the girls. My first time at the fair with Jack was when I was 15. From my concert seat last night I could see the ferris wheel Jack and I rode, it brought back such innocent love. I'm not that familar with Train, so I was getting antsy..like falling asleep antsy. I found whatever candy Ben had in my purse and consumed it all, finally I told the group I would meet them at the exit. I heard Soul Sister from the outskirts of the concert, the only song I knew.

Tonight we went as a family. Who knew my gourmet step father liked the fair? We has cooked with some of the best chefs in New York and France...to see him eat a corn dog cracked me up. Herb is turning 75 and my sister Pam planned the whole event. He was given spending money and a bucket list of everything he had to do at the fair, including a temporary tattoo. With such a large group we adjourned earlier than planned. Since I haven't been feeling well, Ben and I went home..he has a big day tomorrow...he's getting baptized:)

...calgon, take me away.

I feel like I've been hit by a Mack Truck...just call me Big Head Todd. Who remembers that group? I must retire for the night, feel like crap.

...the baton goes to Stacy

School went off without a hitch.. that's just another saying I don't get, but I was hitchless:)  It was a great morning filled with seeing many friends for Ben, as well as myself. I was supposed to go out with coffee soon after dropoff, but I had to decline. My head weighed 300lbs. Something took hold on my vacation with so many people, I know of 5 other ailing people.

As I laid on the couch, I re-lived the summer in my mind. Ben had a good summer...my regret, maybe not spending enough one on one together. In those same thoughts, I realized a few things.

1 broken weed whacker
1 broken shop hallogen lamp
1 missing Razor scooter
I Razor scooter run over by my car
3 slats on my sliding glass door broken
Chain on the sliding glass door out of the cog, completely gone
Screen taken out of Ben's bedroom window, so they could climb on the roof
Blinds totally messed up because of previous action
Backyard destoyed

At this point do I say priceless, no. Ben had a great summer, don't get me wrong. With only one set of eyes..stuff happened. This was my first summer home with Ben and I would probably give me a C-, maybe a D. I also realize my list is only stuff, replaceable stuff...some things can't be replaced.

...freedom

I googled the William Wallace speech from the movie Braveheart. I'm not usually a chick flick movie goer, I can wait till video. Give me an epic..and you had me at hello:) ...please say you got that.

I say freedom because Ben starts school tomorrow. Don't get me wrong I will miss the hell out of him, but I ended up being camp counselor in my own home and backyard...not a fun gig.  I may throw a few things in a hat tomorrow..people to call. My  lawyer, accountant(since I filed an extension), the Honda dealership, to fix a recalled part on my car, or a multitude of other tabled tasks.

I learned today we paid property taxes...only joking, but I don't know if I have to pay, or if it's a part of the escrow...death sucks. I'm in another pissed off mode...who will take 1st day of school pictures?

...summer is wrapping up

I had no energy to blog last night, completely zapped. I had a hard enough time driving home yesterday without nodding off.

Ben went golfing this morning..imagine that.

Tonight, Ben and I went to school open house to meet the teacher and drop off school supplies, even though I know his teacher quite well. I still had to introduce myself to her...just for fun. It was great visiting all of Ben's prior teachers and seeing parents, but I held in some angst. This was my first back to school without Jack. He used to always give me a small talk before we went to school, about talking way too long with everyone. Ironically, after he hurried me along, he was the one who got into the conversations. I missed him tonight, it was something new.

Holiday's never meant too much to Jack, he always thought it was a Hallmark conspiracy. Ben and school were a totally different matter, I felt loss tonight.

Ben has his last tee time tomorrow before school starts the next day. I'm so ready, honestly, Ben is excited too.

...back to reality

I can't believe it's time to go home. We had a great time at the luau dinner. Water skiing, tubing, jet ski, duck boat riding, and total bonding for all the kids. I can say the same thing about my cousins, love them dearly.

We got home this evening and I drove my car up the service drive to start loading my car. I was driving back to the parking lot and the exit was blocked by a truck. There was a wedding party going on in one of the townhouses, so it was obvious where I had to go. I talked to a group of guys, young pups, and it was Michaels truck. They went to find him. 30 minutes later the truck got moved. They gave me a beer, but finally I said, listen, I'm 49yrs old, my car has been running and I've got to get back to Iowa before you suck out all the gas I just bought.

I have forgotten what the condition of my house looked like before we left...I'm guessing not pretty, all I know is Ben had the time of his life on vacation.

I gave all my relatives Jack's rememberance bands that didn't arrive in time for his service. One night, Ben told me it was so neat to see everyone wearing a blue band. I can't speak for Ben, but I think it made him happy...he loved his dad.

...the fun continues

It was just another day of fun..to get the gist of it, you really had to be here. I couldn't begin to break down the minutia of today and night. Ben did golf his first ever 18 holes of golf with my cousins, he had a blast. Tomorrow will only be 9 holes because we're going to my Aunt Gail and Uncle Pat's home for a luau themed party. Their lake home is 15 min from our place. Tonight, before we went to dinner we had family pictures, wearing our reunion t-shirts. Each family was designated a color.The photo shoot took some time. One picture is always taken of the in-laws only...long ago we nicknamed them the out-laws. When it was their turn, I instinctively started looking around for Jack..it was out of habit. He should be here.

family...it makes me smile

I come from an extremely close knit immediate family, they are my life line. My mom is 1 out of 6 siblings, everyone is here with their children and the grandchildren...in my family 2 great grandchildren. It's been a cacophony of noise and constant laughter. Some people complain in life complain about the family reunion...that simply doesn't exist in our world. We relish and delight in the fact that we can all see each other, it's a rare thing. I am so blessed to be apart of this amazing clan.

...simple pleasures

Children's laughter and the beauty of nature..it doesn't get any better than that. Except for my early morning tee time with Ben. I'm golfing for the first time in about 18yrs. Should be interesting. My 15 year old niece, Hannah, will be driving the golf cart. She just got her driver's permit. I can guarantee, the morning will be comical. More family will be trickling in tomorrow. When all is said and done, there will be 65 of us.

The ironic part of where we're staying is we have a fire pit in the backyard of our townhouse, the lake makes up part of the landscape I get to witness on a daily basis.  Wood is supplied daily. Chairs are set up around the stone perimeter. Ben is in heaven...he can actually make a bon-fire everynight, with no one getting mad, or worried.  He cleans up debris everyday from the previous fire and preps for the fire he will make at dark.  Today, I took him on a walk to pick up twigs, I told him he needed small kindling. S'mores were made again and we will repeat this ritual tomorrow night....simple pleasures.

...vacation

I'm not quite sure how to describe today...maybe magical.

...time to relax

I've been off the radar for the last two days. One day and night getting ready to leave...and the traveling. We made it to Minneapolis to spend the night with Pam and Andy's great friends Tom & Jill.  Our day was jam packed with fun. We met them at Canterbury Park, where we were invited to be Hormel employees at a private party, to eat, drink and bet on some horse races. Ben placed most of our bets, I should have trusted him more than myself, cuz he actually won money. The camels and ostriches were also racing in between the horses..much added fun for the kids. We left after the 4th race and went to Prior Lake, where Tom and Jill own a pontoon boat. The kid's tubed..I got sunburned on my white skin. The day was great fun. Tacos were made at the Rushin household that evening, drinks were consumed, many laughs were had by all. When all was said and done, I left Tom and Jill's with 8 band-aids on my body that I didn't arrive with. Good times.

Today, being Sunday, was another travel day to get to Alexandria, MN...destination, The Arrowood Resort. We had to go to Ikea first. I enertained my nieces..or I should say, Ben did, while Pam and Andy picked out things for their basement. Every department is set up as a small vignette. We went into a kitchen area...Ben walks in behind the island and announces out loud, "Hi I'm Rachel Ray", he made shoppers laugh. He did something in every department, not unruly, just comical. I think it took us 3hrs before all was said and done. We got back on the road and arrived at the resort around 5. This will be my home for the next 7days. It will be awesome. Day 1 Ben wants to do everything..even though we had just checked in, after bumper to bumper traffic for a majority of the trip. I needed to only decompress and change bandages. Tomorrow, is full of adventure.

...innocence lost

I'm not quite sure how to sum up today. All my plans were thwarted.

Jack played in a neighborhood fantasy football league, my neighbor came over and I went outside to talk to him. This year they are establishing  a traveling Jordison trophy for the winner of this upcoming season. His name will be engraved in the trophy and will be passed on year after year for the winner. I had a hard time keeping it together, physically and vocally...it touched my heart.

Last night, Ben lost a tooth that he said was loose since the end of 2nd grade. Shortly after Jack died, Ben asked me if there was a Santa Claus...he's been on the cusp, mostly because of friends. The boy just lost his dad, he was with me, getting the phone for me, crying in the hallway.
 I told him no. Santa isn't real or any other holiday friends. After that..why sugar coat.

Tonight, Ben asked me why he didn't get any money under his pillow..I'm like, cuz I just gave you a twenty to spend wisely...maybe I should have still been playing the game, he missed the tradition..let him stay a boy, even though he was given a dose of growing up way too fast. I will find something to put under his pillow tonight..doesn't matter that he's next to me in bed. We will eventually find our way.

...let your conscience be your guide

Ok, I'm back, sorta...alot of things have happened in two days. Yesterday morning's wake-up call from Neil probably did me in last night...or it could have been Mob Week on AMC, the jury is out on that one.

 Ben and Neil had their fishing day together. Neil bought Ben his first grown up fishing pole, that about opened up Saylorville Dam's gate, for me. They had an awesome day together. Ben caught 8 fish, although, Neil caught the biggest...even though he lost his lucky bobber:)  After Ben gave me the play by play of their day, I got a kick out of him recreating everything for his friends.

Today, I actually started writing thank-you notes...major breakthrough. It's okay. I'm trying to curb my emotions on every one I write. I have a long way to go.

Ben had a football clinic this evening and then played outside. The boys were going to do something that I didn't agree with. I encouraged Ben to go. Once he agreed to go, I put my phone on speed dial to his number. I never had to call him back...he came home on his own. He came into the back door and I was right there, ready to hug him, and tell him he made the right choice. Peer pressure is hard, he was scared. I told him I was giving him a test, but I would have stopped it. Ben said he felt like his dad was telling him not to. Thank-you Jack, for still having our backs.

...my pillow is calling me

too tuckered..

...school starts soon

I'm in the process of duping Ben and friends. They came to me this afternoon, saying we want to help you out by cleaning, or whatever...for money. I said perfect. Start with Ben's bedroom and his man cave. They did a so-so job, got bored  and didn't finish.  Next, they will go down to Jack's workshop. I will have them clean up the area that they used to build their go-kart. When all is said and done and they want their money...I will say, for what? You made all those messes, but thank-you for finally cleaning it all up.  I am sounding mean but I'm slowly learning, I gotta keep the upper hand.

Yesterday, I went shopping for football equipment with Ben and a neighbor friend who is older, Jaron gave me so much direction. This morning, the trombone was playing again in my ear...but this time he was also wearing all his new football gear...how does one not laugh...padded football practice pants and a trombone.

Neil is picking Ben up to fish tomorrow morning at 7am...I told him to just call my cell on the drive over to stir me out of bed. Ben is prepared. Clothes are ready. I spoke with Ben tonight as I gave him his nightly massages on whatever ailment he suffered. I told him how important it is to me and Neil that they get to hang out together. Jack is smiling down at both of us...he's also excited school starts soon, cuz his backyard has gotten trashed this summer.

...so much time, so little to do...(Willy Wonka).

My days flow together, like a brook joining a larger stream. For awhile today, I forgot  what day of the week it was. I now will have 5days to become tactical...get alot of stuff done before Ben and I go on vacation. Wish me luck.

I was awakened  this morning with Ben and his trombone...all notes off, but he played the Darth Vadar theme music..it cracked me up. My mom suggested him bringing it on vacation because so many of my family members played the trombone...in my mind, hell no. Ben is too meticulous with  his new toy. He treats it better than this toothbrush:)...then again, who knows if he will part with it for 8days.

...seventy-six trombones

I made the huge mistake of telling Ben to wake me up tomorrow with his trombone...that was the bribe to get him into the shower, he bit. He came downstairs afterwards and crashed immediately. I didn't have the heart to wake him..he's out. My conumdrun is whether to sleep down stairs with him...cuz that's what Mom's do, or go up , either way the trombone will be in my ear.

I have had this bad habit of staying up too late at night. Since Ben was at an overnighter I needed a wake up call, I knew there was no way I would wake up at 8am to pick him up at 9. I called on Debbie and my friend Wendy. I needed the back-up plan. After 5hrs of sleep Wendy called first...painful, I'm not a morning person. I was falling back asleep, then Debbie called. Timing was perfect. I don't know why, but I came downstairs and layed on the couch. For some reason my brain relived the moment I found Jack and what I needed Ben to do...it haunts me. Tomorrow I will be serenaded with the trombone...as painful as it will be to listen to, it will be music to my ears.

The Music Man "Seventy-Six Trombones" (finale) + lyrics link

...tonight was a failure

I had every opportunity to have the most productive night...it didn't happen. I ended up depleting my cell phone battery and watching a 2hr Dateline. I'm like a term paper..need a little more pressure to kick in the juices. I really should have taken advantage of Ben being at an overnight b-day party....the quiet just felt too good.

...ride on this week Jack..and have fun

Today wasn't productive, but I laughed..alot! I also got to see my niece Ashley and her daughter Hazel, who just arrived from Japan. Why is it harder to see my other niece Kiley, her husband Erch and their baby Grayson, who only live in Windsor Heights?  Probably because they both work. Ki is going to be a doctor. Her new rotation has been with eyes. She had to spend time with a stick and made a cake blindfolded this past week-end. I'm sure it what good. I got a text from Erich today, he may take Ben to the driving range:)

I also spoke with Neil...he is taking Ben fishing on Tuesday. Thanks guy's for hanging out with the funniest 10yr old I know.

It's Ragbrai this week, I've heard from friends on the bike ride, thinking about Jack, I've also heard from friends who ironically met other people...the common denominator...Jack. That boy who did his first Ragbrai with Neil is still riding it, with many people this week...he's looking out for his buddies.

...i got nothing..or do I?

....so that's what nothing looks like, it's pure white space, but at least it looks clean.

Okay, I lied. I've got stuff, it's all messy. I leave in almost a week for a family reunion at a resort in Minnesota. My immediate family will be there the whole week, other relatives will trickle in as their schedules permit. I told Ben I think I've gotta find some day-care for him. I just can't monitor 5+boys in my house.

Ben starts school three days after we get home. Till we leave I need to register him for school, after I figure out how to get his report card. Meet with my lawyer, close three bank accounts, write thank-you notes, see my accountant, since I filed an extension, change all my beneficiaries and bake some bread:) Okay, that was just for fun. The heat in Iowa has kept everyone inside..now I need to be alone. As much as I love Ben, he needs to be away next week.

...100 posts

What have I exactly done to reach 100 posts? I'll get back to you on that...treading water on a daily basis seems like the soup de jour...at least I know how to swim.

...eating crow

It was a long day..go-kart finished, except for wheels etc. They started painting this evening. I was upset with Ben twice today. We have other neighborhood kids who are making a go-kart. Ben and crew went over to check their's out. At some point, Ben picked up his friend and tossed him into the other boys go-kart. A piece of wood split and broke. I witnessed most of it. It upset the boy so much he went inside bawling. I went over and yelled  at Ben. I told Ben's crew to fix it. They found a piece of replacement wood and brought it over. Longer story short, it will be fine.

Jack, was hired to write a book for a huge insurance company in West Des Moines. The project lasted over a year. Tonight, Ben fabricated a story about his dad that set me off again.  Ben told his friend he overheard Jack in his office reading an e-mail, about a book revision. Jack slammed his fist on his desk and started cursing. Since Jack picked Ben up I didn't know how to react, it sounded nothing like Jack... all I know was Ben's friend laughed.

After Ben's shower, he told me he made that story up, because he thought it sounded funny. I told Ben there is nothing funny about the story...then went on to tell him to never disrespect his father again that way, I said he was a professional. Ben ate crow twice today...somehow I've got to teach him to keep me out of the kitchen...so I won't have to make him eat it again.

...from golf courses to go-karts

Wow, how a boy's desire changes courses. Most of the day was in Jack's workshop. The boy's started making a go-kart. Our neighbor had alot of left over wood from his deck extension. The boy's sawed,drilled and made a chassis. They spent 6+hrs spent total in the basement, they. Don't get me wrong I was down all the time and Ben kept saying," Mom why are you down here again".

The tricky part will begin after tomorrow. I've asked the boy's how are you going to build an axle? They keep saying, oh, we're only making a box-car. There is no way I will let that happen. They want immediate gratification, without a blue print.

I was reminded of Neil's eulogy during my lecture to the boys. He spoke about all of Jack's passions. "If Jack was going to do it, it was going to be done correctly, it was going to be done well, and it was going to be done completely".

I've got to make sure it's safe, there's no way they will go kamikaze down a hill. At the end of the evening, they called me down. Ben and crew had totally cleaned Jack's workshop...it's cleaner than Jack left it. That made me smile, Jack always instilled in Ben to take care of his belongings...it must have rubbed off.

I've got neighbor boys arriving at 9am...ouch.

...the best laid plans

My sissies, Debbie and Pam were going to come over tonight. They both had very busy days with two different swim meets. One as a coach, the other watching a child swim, while organizing the donations to have a concession stand and running it for a three day meet. Things ran late for everyone. Pam and Andy arrived first with hungry children. We ordered take-out that would be ready at 7:30. They wanted to have an early evening, their daughter Elie has to be back in the pool at 9am.  I wanted to see Debbie so bad, but it didn't work out. They wouldn't have gotten to my house until 9pm, without having dinner yet. Ben was crashed in bed at 10, he stayed up until 2am last night at his birthday party. His mood all day told me he wasn't lying.

I wish things could have worked out better. I may not have the busiest nights, socially, or the most productive days...but I do know I need to get Ben showered and in bed at a decent hour.

...team work

Even though it's after midnight, I'm writing this as if it were still Friday.

Ben, finished up Bible camp..an amazing experience for him, me as well.

The day progressed with heat and boredom, Ben and I went down to the basement to find Jack's "uber" ping pong paddle he bought in high school. For anyone who has been in my basement, no easy feat. We eventually found it in the box of all his baseball gloves from his Little League days. Ben thought the paddle was way too cool. We cleared off the kitchen table and started playing...table too short. After a few minutes, he concocted an idea of using a net from a smaller game system he owns setting it up with magnets to hold up the net. I then cleared off my kitchen island. His friends came over and they played. I've got pages of their tournaments taped to my fridge. When they took a break, I drove them to Dairy Queen for a treat. I ran into a friend who was picking up an ice-cream cake for her son's b-day party. All I'm thinking is, wow..she's organized. I thought his party was on Saturday. I called another mom this evening on a different matter, she heard Ben's voice in the background, asked me who that was. I said Ben...she said, why isn't he at the birthday party. I messed up.

I called Ben in, we scrambled for clothes, sleeping bag, swimsuit, towel and toothbrush and toothpaste...really...what are the chances he will brush this evening, let alone tomorrow morning.
We left our house lickety split...on the drive over Ben said to me, Mom we are good teamwork together...I can't argue with that.

...everybody hurts, sometimes

It's amazing to me, for the support system I have. Everyday is a challenge, but something always happens with friends or family that can snap me out of it.

I met with a new doctor today, not for a physical..but a meet and greet. My doctor retired because of progressing Parkinson's. I made my own rules with my new doctor. She had to know all of my baggage before anything else. We talked for a long time, I even showed her the rubber bracelet Ben wanted to be made for everyone to remember his dad. She actually started crying. Compassion, I like that in a new doctor.

Ben's bible school would be cutting it too close for me to pick him up on time. My friend, Sara, picked him up and Ben ended up spending the afternoon at Gabe's house. He had a blast.

I've got alot of friends dealing, or soon to be dealing with stuff. I chose this song for Jack's service, maybe not appropriate, but if you knew Jack..appropriate. To my friends, hold on.

REM - Everybody hurts (with lyrics)

...just another hot day

Ben loves Bible Camp, he actually listens to the messages and gives me a play by play at home. The campers are given a new sticker to wear everyday, which pertains to the whole theme of the day. Ben has been saving them and writing a few words from his interpretation....nothing forced on my part.

As the evening weather became more tolerable, the boys came out. I always like to go out and talk with them. I started watering my flowers and I had three of my younger helpers on the deck with me. They actually took over for me. Out of the blue, the kids told me how much they missed Jack and still feel sad for me. That about broke my heart...these are neighbor kids who loved talking with him. Jack gave them the time of the day, he filled up their bike tires, balls, fixed stuck bike chains, replaced intertubes and played with them.

My little people care, they took the hose out of my hand..and they miss Jack, just like me.

...new beginnings

I grew up Catholic. Jack grew up Methodist.  No compromise, although he did vow to raise our children Catholic in our classes we took together, before we got married. That's water over the dam...or is it under the dam?  Damn, that confuses me!! Jack and I  kinda neglected religion...it was easier not to argue. As Ben was growing up, we realized he needed an education, foundation and a belief system. We went Lutheran. Even though my tenet's will always be with my church, Ben like's where we go.

My nieces are having Hazel and Grayson baptized in August, Ashley asked me if I wanted to include Ben. Since Jack and I had our differences, we have never had him baptized. This will be done at the Lutheran church...and Ben will be joining them:) Never too late.

...mom, it made me happy

It's Monday...my least favorite day of the week. I actually moved, did something. I found out a sorority sister of mine had died on July 15th. It affected me. We weren't the best of friends, but we had so many classes together, stayed up through the wee hours working on many films we made together, with other random students. I will miss Muffy, for everything she taught me. I pray for her family.

I signed Ben up for Vacation Bible School this week, he  wasn't thrilled about this 3hr deal. Mama needs a break though.

Ben and I haven't been back to church since Jack's service.  Reality, or memories set in for me. Ironically, out of all the places where the different grade classes could have met, we were assigned to the Chapel...the same place Jack had his service. My brain became fuzzy, my knees weak. I stayed a little longer than I should have. Ben had so many school buddies in the camp that he finally hugged me and said bye Mom. I think it probably was more disturbing for me.

Instead of hitting my usual Monday routine, I went to the grocery store. Folded back-up pods of clean clothes and did three more loads of laundry....folded those as well.

I talked to Ben at the end of the day...asked him about his feelings being back in the Chapel for the first time. He said...mom, it made me happy.

I think I'm a mess, why can't I be more evolved then my 10yr old boy, especially because I spend most of my waking hours worried about Ben's well-being. I hope this camp will help him in a spiritual way, obviously the Chapel gave him comfort..it made him happy.

...A is for Andy and Al..P is for Pam and J is for Jody!

Even though it's after 1:00 am, technically a new day, I'm writing as if it were still yesterday, the 16th. 2 families came over this evening, wow, my house has changed!  All for the better. Andy hit Jack's office and boxed up important files, made  two shredding garbage sacks, and put all the desks and equipment in the center of the room. He want's to give the room some color.

Al cleaned my whole kitchen..dusting everything and washing all the built up of dishware. Andy, I think, fixed my dishwasher. Pam, Jody and Al turned into home decoraters. Andy hung pictures. I had to go to my pharmacy to get a week-end emergency supply of my perscriptions...by the time I got home, they had re-arranged my family/living area, I absolutely love what they had done. I left my house with four creative people by themselves, came back in awe!!  They can come back any time! Pam brought up stuff from my basement...said it was a treasure trove of re-decoratng stuff.  The kids were good. Ben, at first, was in small shock over the couch and loveseat switching positions. His favorite spot was the place where the loveseat is now. He's crashed, doesn't, want to go upstairs and his long legs are hanging over it. He hates change....so do I.

I watched the wedding tape last night, it was also the rehearsal dinner. I laughed and cried..we all looked so young. I looked thin and didn't wear glasses:) Actually, my bro inlaw Scott, filmed the whole thing.

The 16th was just a day...I blogged in an earlier post that certain days wouldn't trigger anything. With so much symbolism behind that number..it gave me pause.

It just turned into two A's,a J and a P, all good. Cant't forget about one B...which stands for Ben.

...I fell deep

Tomorrow, I have a wedding anniversary, probably won't post. Our first date was on July 16th..I was 16 yrs old. We dated for 16 years before we got married...then got married on July 16th 1994. What in the hell does that all symbolize. Maybe too many sixes in the picture.

Our actual first date after the party we went to, was a movie at the Capri. We saw The Deep. Ironically, many years later, Jack and I scuba dove in the exact same spot where they filmed a climatic scene. It was on our honeymoon. I just lacked the white t-shirt and big breasts!!:)

I love you Jack...and will never forget, our time.

Life for me has put the whole grieving process on hold. I've gotta watch out for Ben and include Jack's parents in his life. We're having dinner with them on Sunday.

I've got a million memories flooding my brain right now...what stands out the most is his smile and total laughter he got from his friends, it usually could bring him to tears.

My Uncle Gary, recorded our wedding, which we never watched. I looked at his camera, walking down the aisle and said...it's a done deal! So much pressure to get married:) I may watch it tonight, and that may also bring me to tears.

...he's back

I was taken aback this morning, Ben arrived home at the time I thought he was checking out of camp. No big deal, but I was still in my jammies. I picked him up, twirled him around and we hugged for an eternity. After Neil's truck got unpacked, I listened to Ben recreate his camp days..priceless.

By mid-afternoon, after some kickball, he came in and crashed for about 2hrs. He was wiped out. He had alot of the neighbor boys in our backyard later on, doing some of the skills he had learned at boy scout camp.

I've got to thank Neil, from the bottom of my heart, he was the comfort zone for Ben...yet Ben also shared with me some Neil stories, that cracked me up. Ben was in good hands.

Ben, this evening, told me he missed camp...it had to have been great!

I also love the fact that these two guys got to know each other better. Ben told me Neil is funny..something I've known for a long time:)  Thank-you Neil for having my back!

...friends are the best medicine

Tonight, I went to Steph's house. She planned a get together with many Pi-Phi's and other college women I knew. My goal..get home in 2hrs. I have so much crap to deal with before Ben gets home tomorrow.

It was way too fun...stayed for 4hrs. We laughed, drank and ate. Laughter and stories were the highlight.
Hallie brought over a picture when I was a personal attendent in her wedding. I had a Flock of Seagulls hairdo going on (band from the 80's)...no one put a match to my head, I was combustible!!

Since coming home, I learned, the car I've been driving is not insured with me...only Jack. Our new car, which I haven't been driving is the car I'm insured on. I discover something new everyday..and make baby steps.

I wouldn't have traded tonight for making any other new discoveries...thank-you Steph:)...and to the other women who took time out of their lives, for giving me a dose of fun...best medicine ever.

...camp, day 2

I think I miss Ben more than he misses me. I just got an email update on everything the boys did today. They are having a blast. The list of activities included, rowboating, hiking, making a stool and 7 more things, I can't remember.

I had dinner this evening with all the scout Mom's. We had fun, but I'm the only one who has one child. They still had to get home. Our Den leader's wife, who is a friend of mine, told me she was worried about my drive home yesterday. She almost got in her car to follow me, I think she knew I was falling apart.

I got home this evening before 8, talked to friends and my sisters,  yet I'm tiptoeing...I keep thinking Ben's upstairs in bed...and I don't want to wake him. I'm thinking about him now in his tent, hoping he's okay.

Camp Mitigwa

Ben left this morning for camp. He isn't a boy for speaking his sentiments. When I drove him over to our Den Leader's house, I told him how much I was going to miss him...he said, I'll miss you too Mom.

We hung out for awhile, waiting for everybody to get there. As it came time to say good-bye, I held him tight...told him how much I loved him. He looked at me, in front of everybody and said I love you too. I cried the whole drive home, just as I'm doing now.

Neil sent me picture tonight. They had a paintball war. Ben looked so happy. I need to set aside my feelings, because he's going to have a blast.

I just miss him already.

You And Me Against The World by Helen Reddy...with Lyrics

...finding our way

Ben and I had a tough few hours today. He was trying to do something with the computer...which I'm clueless about. He got so frustrated and mad, that he started kicking things around. I became livid on his tantrum. He cried for about 20 minutes. We were late going to Jack's parents house. Grammy gave Ben a fresh haircut for camp. Ben told me he was sorry on the drive over. In my mind, I kept saying, I'm sorry too baby doll, that this has become your life.

...life long friends

I've got nothing tonight. Stayed up way too late talking to Wendy. She is my inspiration. Her baby is 17yrs old and  has a severe case of Autism. I don't know Danny, but I love him. She is there 100% .

Wendy has wisdom beyond her old age:). She helps me put things into perspective. I wish I could help her a little more.

...camp in 3 days, perfect.

Interesting day at the homestead. Ben went golfing this morning. As night approached, the boys wanted to make a fire in the sand trap. I was okay with that, I even bought ingrediants for smores. Ben, my little fire marshall had the hose nearby. Someone, used a can of Off to help ignite it, while later on someone threw in a lighter...which made a small explosion. I was watching them the whole time...maybe that one split second, when I went to the restroom I was off the clock.  Thank God I have awesome neighbors, who put a stop to the whole thing...and gave them a lecture to boot. The fire wasn't the issue, it was the flammables. Couldn't agree more. The thing about it is, they're all good boys. But when they form, it's like Lord of the Flies...they turn into savages. I'm doing the best I can. All the business I need to take care of has been on the back-burner. Camp can't come soon enough. I need my eyes for the mound of paperwork that has piled up, instead of my backyard.

On another note, thank-you Diana, Wendy and especially Steph.

Stephie and I were college freshman together, the best of friends. We wreaked havoc on many!  Life gets in the way with friends...but if you're a true friend, you can easily pick up where you left off.

Since Jack died, Steph came back into my life. What a blessing. She has planned a get together at her house next week when Ben's at camp. The funny thing was I had no choice..thanks Steph, for making me move.

The song is for all my people..everyday someone gives me strength.

Chantal Kreviazuk In My Life

SNL-More Cowbell-Will Ferrell

...we all need more cowbell

Jack, loved that SNL skit of Will Ferrell and Christopher Walken, he got the tears kinda laugh. I could use a little more cowbell, as I suspect many of you readers could as well. As I mentioned in an earlier post, we all have a story, I've learned of some of them. Keep on keeping...

All-Stars is officially over. We lost. I'm starting to understand the politics of baseball. I watched three capable boys on the bench for the last three nights. They traded off in the outfield. Obviously, coaches line-up didn't win one game. At least I can say it didn't happen on Ben's watch. As I told Ben, it was such an honor to be a part of the team...to just remember that aspect.

It looks like Neil is going to Boy Scout Camp...Ben's excited.  He asked me if it were only for one night. I asked him if it would be okay if he went the whole time?...his response, that would be great.
My tough exterior boy is the most sensitive kid in the world. Even though all his buddies will be at camp, their dad's will be there too. Thank-you Neil...I'll buy you a cowbell.

...time to face reality

I ignored the date today. Ben had his second All-Star game, we lost. We also lost the night before...don't get me wrong these were nail biters.  We needed to win two out of the three games we are playing, looks like the season is over. The silver lining is Ben gets to go to Boy Scout camp, something Jack signed him up for this spring. Three nights with good friends at camp, I think he'll be happy. Jack, also signed himself up for the trip.

I've got four days and three nights..as much as I complain about the boys, I will miss it, especially Ben.

Pam has already found a buyer for my Honda, even though it's not on the market.

She's five steps ahead of me...probably a good thing.

I got you, Babe by Sonny and Cher (studio version with lyrics!)

...writer's block

I finally get what Jack went through on a daily basis, something that he had often complained about...writer's block. I used to talk him out of it, or just give him a massage. That always used to ease the tension. He always asked for my advice, or preferences on his ideas that he has pitching. Although I didn't get my degree from ISU, I was a radio, tv, film major. I graduated in my final year at Drake...  many moons older, yet wiser. When Jack was in charge of producing a video..besides writing the whole thing, I often gave him suggestions on appropriate music, to fit his audience. It always worked out.

I can't say Jack and I were together all the years I have known him..that would be a lie. We broke up many times...I think we grew as individuals on each break-up. The weird part about our last and longest break-up, before we moved in together, was we both brought in our apartment, the exact same novels, that both of us discovered..kinda freaky.

I was 15 when I fell in love with him. I guess, tonight, I have writer's block and wish he could snap me out of it. I'm now 49yrs old...we have a history. In my story, if I were a writer, I would give us a future...tomorrow is 3months...Ben is hitting the batting cages.

....ribs, baseball..and Neil

Yesterday, I had some issues, nothing life shattering, but I wasn't able to blog.
Tonight was Rib-Fest, the annual party and competition at Pam's house. T-shirts are printed every year. Those who chose to compete could enter their ribs in the voting. There were also two different pie competions. Chanel 13 came this year, filmed some highlights.

Ben and I missed most of that action, he had an All-Star practice...I had to commit 100 percent for this season, so we had to leave. No one gets it, unless it's your own kid. We did come back:)

This was the time of year when Jack and I hit the road, our destination was usually Colorado. I kept a journal on two of our trips.

July 4th 1998

9:10am- leaving Hy-Vee parking lot
Destination: Colorado Springs
64 cassette tapes should keep us entertained.
1st tape- Smashing Pumpkins-Adore
Road Kill:
Big dead crow
Big dead deer
Lots of guts on the road from various dead animals, dead cat, big dead raccoon.

1st gas stop : Grand Island, NE.
We arrived in Colorado Springs after 11hrs and 48min. We were listening to The Stones, Hot Rocks album.(Excellent choice Jack)
We checked into our hotel just in time to watch the best 4th of July fireworks we had ever seen. Our parking lot was filled with specators. All we had to do was stand on our balcony.We saw so many things that had never been shown in Iowa, colors and fireworks turning into shapes.

That was my entry in my journal. The next early evening, we drove into Telluride...our vacation spot.

For some reason, July was always our travel month

Rib-Fest was a blast, as always....granted, we  missed a ton of the festivities.

Neil called out of the blue, as I was searching for my travel journal, he was surprised that I answered my phone.  He needs more recognition, than mentioned now...he deserves a whole blog...that's how much he means to me..and that's how much Jack loved him. Stars and stripes forever:)

...my firecracker, Pam

My sister Pam got home from vacation..got caught up with this blog..and in her genteel way, told me she was going to get on my butt to make some progress.  How does one have a little sister, who has become your big sister? She has become my coach, my guiding light....she's bossy that way, but you always perform for her, she's scary:)...but she does make me move.

Andy took all the kids to the Missouri border after work, to buy contraband. I gave Ben money and told him to buy anything cheap, nothing that shot in the air. He came home with the safest, should be legal, fireworks.

In 1931, the town of Spencer almost burned down...over 100 stores went to the ground, due to fireworks.
Iowa banned them in 1983.

I'm always there to moniter...so was Jack. We were both lifeguards...we knew how to make a controlled environment, even if it were fireworks.

While Ben was gone I called his parents. They miss him...such a double entendre. I'm going to take Ben to their house tomorrow while I try to get something done.

If Pam is my firecracker...Ben is my sparkler, he brightens up anyone's day..especially mine, with his smile and  personality. He was given a free wheel cart this morning to tote his golf clubs and tons of free roman candles in Missouri, probably just cuz, but I like to think it's because of him:)

Chin Up- Charlotte's Web

...i've got many charlotte's in my life

I need to keep my chin up...keep on keeping. It will be July tomorrow, hopeful days.

Today was hotter than Hades, Ben had a make-up golf clinic, due to the rain. My brilliant idea, before the forecast, was to let these three boys,who went to the clinic together, go to the driving range after clinic. Granted...it was hot, anyone who knows me, knows I easily sweat. It was all good though, I have never laughed so hard on their drives, comments and smack talk banter. We picked up a 4th boy who was also in the clinic, one of Ben's classmates. It took over an hour because the golf pro told them to top off their baskets with free golf balls to drive. Long story short, my farmer's tan is much more defined...finally:)

I've had many conversations today, my Mom gave me lots of support and shared her own stories. She gives me hope..I was there during her darkest days, yet I always felt like I would never know the magnitude of her loss, just as no one will ever understand mine. I gotta keep on keeping and keep my chin up. I hear it's going to be another scorcher tomorrow:)

...i need to play more hopscotch

My niece Kiley, gave me a card that was priceless. The front said, "Some days are hopscotch kind of days, some days are waiting to get nailed at dodgeball kind of days". So true.

Tomorrow is the last day of June. For the life of me, I'm clueless to anything that happened..it was a bad month..all dodgeballs. I wish life gave you do-overs, this month was one of them. In honesty, the list could go on and on. What if ?

Betsy Ross is a personal favorite of mine, maybe July will be full of stars and stripes...I can only try.

...reality sets in

The final reverely, took place this morning. My girls were awakened by the knocking on the door at 5 something in the morning for swim practice. What a care giver I am, I slept through the whole thing. They rallied and got out of the door within 5min.

4 days of camp has worn everyone out. Ben had a meltdown trying to get his sliders on before baseball practice/scrimmage...he just cried and cried. It was all my fault because I didn't bring him in early enough to cool down. When he took out his bike, I told him he should be inside. Outside was way to too tempting, so he stayed out. I helped him get dressed as he's bawling, I told him to act like a man. Bad mistake on my part. I wasn't being fair to a 10yr old, to let him finally release some tears after 3 months. Ben's teacher told me it would happen in an unexpected way...I think he finally let something out. He apologized to me as I dropped him off at practice. I apologized as well, told him how much I love him. I've got to get my shit together, spiritually and physically, so I can help guide my boy. I feel sorry for my sister Pam..her meltdown with three girls will be catastrophic:)

camp day 3

I really don't know how my sister juggles three girls activities, it's mind boggling. Thank God she arranged for a carpool. Ben had in impromtu baseball practice, I got worried about their schedule. I made many phone calls tonight, to make sure their needs were met while I was gone.

When Ben and I returned, we had a ping-pong game. Ben and Hannah's friend, Lexi, against myself and Hannah. Game On! It was the game that never really got going. Since Ben and I are both lefties we volleyed to each other. The game digressed...we found props to use as our paddles. A bowling pin, hand paddles for swimming, a plastic guitar and a noodle for the pool. Let's just say we laughed alot!!

I've loved living in never- never land for the last few days..tomorrow I need to put on my big girl pants and get back to the reality of my life... It was all worth it though. It was the best. Love my girlies!!

...camp day 2

Last night before the kids went to bed I begged...please sleep in. I woke up this morning to a miniature golf course made in the upstairs hallway..way too much fun for them, not me. They ignored my request:)
I pulled it together, got up and made them a chocolate chip pancake breakfast with scrambled eggs and bacon...all before I made my pot of decaf coffee.

Katy, who is only 7, kept asking, what are we going to do today? My initial response was, I've got to hand wash all the dishes that have piled up, since the dishwasher hates me right now.

My niece Kiley came to the rescue. Ben had practice at 6 tonight and she said they, meaning Erich, her husband, and T.J, my nephew, took the girls bowling while Ben was gone.

I'm at the Gillaspey household tonight, the older girls will be picked up at 5 something in the morning for swim practice, not my thing to wake up and drive them to their home at 4:30 am so we moved in.

I tucked Katy into bed tonight, asked her to read me a few stories..she picked out some Biscuit books, I easily could have fallen asleep listening to an almost 2nd grader, reading to me, as I laid in bed with her. Sometimes I think we forget about the youngest one, they seem to just go with the flow. Asking her to read to me was by far the best part about my day:)

...camp

I forgot about the real world today... I was camp counselor. As soon as I exhale, I will realize it was a fun day. It was a rainy morning, Ben's b-ball practice was cancelled, that changed the whole picture of what I thought today would look like.  They voted on going to an arcade to play games. Hannah and Elie turned into go-cart mama's. Katy, Ben, our neighbor Jaron and I played glow golf. I made a hole in one, very comical.

They had a nerf dart tag war, straightened up the house, Jaron even swept my kitchen floor. Everyone showered and we rented movies. Steak, caesar salad, baked potato and watermelon for dinner. At that point, I felt a little wiped out...but then they went to the park, out of the blue, what a glorious calgon moment.

Camp Day 2 tomorrow, bring it on!!

...sugar and spice and everything nice...that's what little girls are made of

I recieved a call today from WellmarkBCBS...they left a message and told me to call them regarding our policy. That was discomforting, all I could think of was, now what?! I finally got my nerve up 5hrs later. My nerves ended up being a false alarm. They had made a mistake on what my new premium will be, in a letter I would be getting from them. Also, to inform me that it wouldn't be withdrawn from my account until August. They subtracted every payment I had made since April and only charged me for the new cost of the policy. I get a rebate. Lucky me...right?

Estrogen moved into my house tonight...or should I just say three of my nieces. They make me laugh and smile.They will be my charges for four nights while Pam and Andy went to Mexico, to celebrate their anniversary. It was crazy fun tonight, ending with a Dairy Queen Drive thru run. Now, I'm worn out. We will have a team meeting tomorrow to figure out our game plan, voting will occur.

I had a pleasant surprise late afternoon from Jack's (our) friend Tom. He was riding the bike trail and popped over. We were golfing at the time. Like many, he feels helpless, wanting to help, but not knowing how.

I may be helpless right now, until something arises..but I'm not hopeless. I learned on The Today Show, that it's National Smile Month. I still have plenty of things to smile about...especially all the sleeping children upstairs...finally:)

...I've got fins to the left, fins to the right and I'm the only bait in town

Thank-you Jimmy Buffett, I love that song.

For some reason, insurance companies have turned into piranhas. Based on recent disclosure, I'm inundated with phone calls and letters. I realize that is their livelihood..but give me some time...let me grieve. I've known Jack since I was 15yrs old...I still need to process this wrongful event. He's in my mind at least a million times a day. I don't even want to mention all the broken things that have occurred in our house, in the almost 3 months.

I'm really regretting not sending Ben to day camp. He's now been 3wks out of school. I think I yell more than I praise. Last night, he told me, you said this was going to be the best summer ever..that hurt.

I started going through Jack's side of the closet yesterday..putting the flannels from the 80's into the donation bag, I asked him to discard of those years ago, he still occasionally put one on. That's all I could get rid of.

Ben and I tuned into the program Hoarders, I think it's on A&E.  After watching two episodes, he told me I'm like a hoarder...but not in the bad way. I need my volunteer team to help me get rid of my clutter, any willing help?  I only wish you could help me with the clutter in my brain.

...farts, burps and boredom

It was a long day.

..role models

It's funny, talking to people from both Jack and my lives. Some people think Ben's the spitting image of Jack, while others think he is a mini me. I think he's the perfect combination of both. He inherited many of Jack's mannerisms, I guess that comes from two guys hanging out.

Jack's friend Neil stopped over this evening.. rephrase, my friend too. What a pleasant surprise. Ben was just walking home from baseball practice. Neil played a little golf with him. I think everybody needs a Neil in their lives. He is honoring his lifelong friend by watching over Ben, truly caring.

...on idle

So, the bird problem has been solved. It had grown back, but by the time I woke up the next morning, someone had already taken it down...I have an inkling . After that, I turned into modern warfare. I went to the storage closet in the garage...pulled out a can of hornet and wasp spray. I covered the whole alcove area..the bird's haven't been back. I probably could have saved Jack alot of angst.

Ben's buddy is out of town this week, I heard the most feared and dreaded words today.."I'm bored".
I had to nip that in the bud, only because this summer I'm supposed to get everything organized. In today's heat he wanted me to take him to a park to play basketball..I had to wait for a few return phone calls, more insurance crap.

When in need, call Pam, she's actually the only one I feel comfortable with.. asking for help.Tommorow, Ben will have an outing with his cousins, exploring a creek, mud fight to follow. I'm glad I won't be apart of that.

...happy father's day

Jack was an awesome father, maybe a titch on the overprotective side. I will never forget the day Ben was born...granted, I remember, on many levels, but what I remember about Jack, were the crocodile tears falling from his eyes onto my chest as I held Ben.

Today, Ben and I pretty much just hung out. He didn't want to do anything special. A trip to Dairy Queen was the highlight. Ben had his first All-Star practice. We had to go to Scheel's to buy gray pants for the season....that could help me in the laundry department.

I'm feeling somewhat guilty..my own father, only fleetingly came into my mind. I will go to the cemetary tomorrow. Jack always wished he knew my dad longer...it was only for 1 year 7 months, but they had a few moments. My favorite was when Jack went to our lake house with us. My dad kept Jack up until the wee hours of the morning, fishing. He taught Jack a few tricks about cleaning their catch...nothing I care to repeat. I'm thinking my dad and Jack are hanging out, looking down on Ben.