Chin Up- Charlotte's Web

...i've got many charlotte's in my life

I need to keep my chin up...keep on keeping. It will be July tomorrow, hopeful days.

Today was hotter than Hades, Ben had a make-up golf clinic, due to the rain. My brilliant idea, before the forecast, was to let these three boys,who went to the clinic together, go to the driving range after clinic. Granted...it was hot, anyone who knows me, knows I easily sweat. It was all good though, I have never laughed so hard on their drives, comments and smack talk banter. We picked up a 4th boy who was also in the clinic, one of Ben's classmates. It took over an hour because the golf pro told them to top off their baskets with free golf balls to drive. Long story short, my farmer's tan is much more defined...finally:)

I've had many conversations today, my Mom gave me lots of support and shared her own stories. She gives me hope..I was there during her darkest days, yet I always felt like I would never know the magnitude of her loss, just as no one will ever understand mine. I gotta keep on keeping and keep my chin up. I hear it's going to be another scorcher tomorrow:)

...i need to play more hopscotch

My niece Kiley, gave me a card that was priceless. The front said, "Some days are hopscotch kind of days, some days are waiting to get nailed at dodgeball kind of days". So true.

Tomorrow is the last day of June. For the life of me, I'm clueless to anything that happened..it was a bad month..all dodgeballs. I wish life gave you do-overs, this month was one of them. In honesty, the list could go on and on. What if ?

Betsy Ross is a personal favorite of mine, maybe July will be full of stars and stripes...I can only try.

...reality sets in

The final reverely, took place this morning. My girls were awakened by the knocking on the door at 5 something in the morning for swim practice. What a care giver I am, I slept through the whole thing. They rallied and got out of the door within 5min.

4 days of camp has worn everyone out. Ben had a meltdown trying to get his sliders on before baseball practice/scrimmage...he just cried and cried. It was all my fault because I didn't bring him in early enough to cool down. When he took out his bike, I told him he should be inside. Outside was way to too tempting, so he stayed out. I helped him get dressed as he's bawling, I told him to act like a man. Bad mistake on my part. I wasn't being fair to a 10yr old, to let him finally release some tears after 3 months. Ben's teacher told me it would happen in an unexpected way...I think he finally let something out. He apologized to me as I dropped him off at practice. I apologized as well, told him how much I love him. I've got to get my shit together, spiritually and physically, so I can help guide my boy. I feel sorry for my sister Pam..her meltdown with three girls will be catastrophic:)

camp day 3

I really don't know how my sister juggles three girls activities, it's mind boggling. Thank God she arranged for a carpool. Ben had in impromtu baseball practice, I got worried about their schedule. I made many phone calls tonight, to make sure their needs were met while I was gone.

When Ben and I returned, we had a ping-pong game. Ben and Hannah's friend, Lexi, against myself and Hannah. Game On! It was the game that never really got going. Since Ben and I are both lefties we volleyed to each other. The game digressed...we found props to use as our paddles. A bowling pin, hand paddles for swimming, a plastic guitar and a noodle for the pool. Let's just say we laughed alot!!

I've loved living in never- never land for the last few days..tomorrow I need to put on my big girl pants and get back to the reality of my life... It was all worth it though. It was the best. Love my girlies!!

...camp day 2

Last night before the kids went to bed I begged...please sleep in. I woke up this morning to a miniature golf course made in the upstairs hallway..way too much fun for them, not me. They ignored my request:)
I pulled it together, got up and made them a chocolate chip pancake breakfast with scrambled eggs and bacon...all before I made my pot of decaf coffee.

Katy, who is only 7, kept asking, what are we going to do today? My initial response was, I've got to hand wash all the dishes that have piled up, since the dishwasher hates me right now.

My niece Kiley came to the rescue. Ben had practice at 6 tonight and she said they, meaning Erich, her husband, and T.J, my nephew, took the girls bowling while Ben was gone.

I'm at the Gillaspey household tonight, the older girls will be picked up at 5 something in the morning for swim practice, not my thing to wake up and drive them to their home at 4:30 am so we moved in.

I tucked Katy into bed tonight, asked her to read me a few stories..she picked out some Biscuit books, I easily could have fallen asleep listening to an almost 2nd grader, reading to me, as I laid in bed with her. Sometimes I think we forget about the youngest one, they seem to just go with the flow. Asking her to read to me was by far the best part about my day:)

...camp

I forgot about the real world today... I was camp counselor. As soon as I exhale, I will realize it was a fun day. It was a rainy morning, Ben's b-ball practice was cancelled, that changed the whole picture of what I thought today would look like.  They voted on going to an arcade to play games. Hannah and Elie turned into go-cart mama's. Katy, Ben, our neighbor Jaron and I played glow golf. I made a hole in one, very comical.

They had a nerf dart tag war, straightened up the house, Jaron even swept my kitchen floor. Everyone showered and we rented movies. Steak, caesar salad, baked potato and watermelon for dinner. At that point, I felt a little wiped out...but then they went to the park, out of the blue, what a glorious calgon moment.

Camp Day 2 tomorrow, bring it on!!

...sugar and spice and everything nice...that's what little girls are made of

I recieved a call today from WellmarkBCBS...they left a message and told me to call them regarding our policy. That was discomforting, all I could think of was, now what?! I finally got my nerve up 5hrs later. My nerves ended up being a false alarm. They had made a mistake on what my new premium will be, in a letter I would be getting from them. Also, to inform me that it wouldn't be withdrawn from my account until August. They subtracted every payment I had made since April and only charged me for the new cost of the policy. I get a rebate. Lucky me...right?

Estrogen moved into my house tonight...or should I just say three of my nieces. They make me laugh and smile.They will be my charges for four nights while Pam and Andy went to Mexico, to celebrate their anniversary. It was crazy fun tonight, ending with a Dairy Queen Drive thru run. Now, I'm worn out. We will have a team meeting tomorrow to figure out our game plan, voting will occur.

I had a pleasant surprise late afternoon from Jack's (our) friend Tom. He was riding the bike trail and popped over. We were golfing at the time. Like many, he feels helpless, wanting to help, but not knowing how.

I may be helpless right now, until something arises..but I'm not hopeless. I learned on The Today Show, that it's National Smile Month. I still have plenty of things to smile about...especially all the sleeping children upstairs...finally:)

...I've got fins to the left, fins to the right and I'm the only bait in town

Thank-you Jimmy Buffett, I love that song.

For some reason, insurance companies have turned into piranhas. Based on recent disclosure, I'm inundated with phone calls and letters. I realize that is their livelihood..but give me some time...let me grieve. I've known Jack since I was 15yrs old...I still need to process this wrongful event. He's in my mind at least a million times a day. I don't even want to mention all the broken things that have occurred in our house, in the almost 3 months.

I'm really regretting not sending Ben to day camp. He's now been 3wks out of school. I think I yell more than I praise. Last night, he told me, you said this was going to be the best summer ever..that hurt.

I started going through Jack's side of the closet yesterday..putting the flannels from the 80's into the donation bag, I asked him to discard of those years ago, he still occasionally put one on. That's all I could get rid of.

Ben and I tuned into the program Hoarders, I think it's on A&E.  After watching two episodes, he told me I'm like a hoarder...but not in the bad way. I need my volunteer team to help me get rid of my clutter, any willing help?  I only wish you could help me with the clutter in my brain.

...farts, burps and boredom

It was a long day.

..role models

It's funny, talking to people from both Jack and my lives. Some people think Ben's the spitting image of Jack, while others think he is a mini me. I think he's the perfect combination of both. He inherited many of Jack's mannerisms, I guess that comes from two guys hanging out.

Jack's friend Neil stopped over this evening.. rephrase, my friend too. What a pleasant surprise. Ben was just walking home from baseball practice. Neil played a little golf with him. I think everybody needs a Neil in their lives. He is honoring his lifelong friend by watching over Ben, truly caring.

...on idle

So, the bird problem has been solved. It had grown back, but by the time I woke up the next morning, someone had already taken it down...I have an inkling . After that, I turned into modern warfare. I went to the storage closet in the garage...pulled out a can of hornet and wasp spray. I covered the whole alcove area..the bird's haven't been back. I probably could have saved Jack alot of angst.

Ben's buddy is out of town this week, I heard the most feared and dreaded words today.."I'm bored".
I had to nip that in the bud, only because this summer I'm supposed to get everything organized. In today's heat he wanted me to take him to a park to play basketball..I had to wait for a few return phone calls, more insurance crap.

When in need, call Pam, she's actually the only one I feel comfortable with.. asking for help.Tommorow, Ben will have an outing with his cousins, exploring a creek, mud fight to follow. I'm glad I won't be apart of that.

...happy father's day

Jack was an awesome father, maybe a titch on the overprotective side. I will never forget the day Ben was born...granted, I remember, on many levels, but what I remember about Jack, were the crocodile tears falling from his eyes onto my chest as I held Ben.

Today, Ben and I pretty much just hung out. He didn't want to do anything special. A trip to Dairy Queen was the highlight. Ben had his first All-Star practice. We had to go to Scheel's to buy gray pants for the season....that could help me in the laundry department.

I'm feeling somewhat guilty..my own father, only fleetingly came into my mind. I will go to the cemetary tomorrow. Jack always wished he knew my dad longer...it was only for 1 year 7 months, but they had a few moments. My favorite was when Jack went to our lake house with us. My dad kept Jack up until the wee hours of the morning, fishing. He taught Jack a few tricks about cleaning their catch...nothing I care to repeat. I'm thinking my dad and Jack are hanging out, looking down on Ben.

...the birds

Don't get me wrong, I like birds...especially Alfred Hitchcock's version. That was one of the scariest movies I have ever seen, back in the 70's.  My birds are just as scary. I have a small alcove above the front door. Every year the robins attempt to build a nest. They were Jack's nemesis...he took it personal. He took the nest down everyday, only to see it rebuilt by morning. Day after day, Jack had a mission. Now it's my mission...they're back.
I have no problem with the birds building a nest...I was a was a card carrying member of The Ranger Rick Club growing up. Why can't they just use a tree? These birds are mean, very territorial. They swoop down at you if you attempt to go out the front door. The boys took down the nest for me today, it's already back. Jack, I'm feeling your pain buddy.

US Open fever continues in my backyard. Ben actually made 2 hole in ones on the course, chipping from at least 20ft. He was ecstatic, what a fluke:)

Tomorrow is Father's Day. I spoke with Jack's mom tonight and told her Ben and I were going to navigate the day on our own...who knows what's in store, except for taking down a bird's nest.

Jack, our boy is simply amazing, I pray you can watch over and see the little man he is becoming. Just like you, he makes sure every door is locked at night. We miss you and will celebrate you tomorrow.

...life is good?

....so, the health insurance had been cancelled. I had an 11:30 appointment that was only supposed to last 20min. I got out of there going on 1:00, totally freaked out. Ben and I haven't been covered for awhile now. I like our agent, whom I've never met until today. She is fiesty. When I told her I had to leave her office and decompress, she said..not in your car, go straight home and keep Ben off any monkey bars. Damn I was in bad shape.Insurance sucks..you need it but it has so many variables. It was the variables that cancelled our policy. No details needed, but before I left her office, I turned to her, looked her straight in the eye and told her to fight for us. She said, I've got weapons. 4:30 I get a call..we're covered. Frigging bad day.

Granted, a new policy could have been formed, but, since the old one, I now have high blood pressure and anxiety ...she was worried about underwriting, whatever that means. I was only concerned about Ben..I need to protect him and for the good part of the day, I thought I failed.

The golf course changed looks today. I took the boys back to Earl May to buy more sand. I laid down the anti-weed cloth. They finally finished the sand trap...from what I hear..it's hard to get out of:)

I realize I will have more snafus as I plod along and I realize everyone has their own lives, but, these days I don't call to chat...I need help...thank-you mom for answering before you left  for your appointment:) You calmed me, and I love you:)

Life is good.

...simply sara

Ben likes to wake me up every morning to let me know he's up...way too early. Jack was always up early, well before either of us...so they played. For the last two months I usually can't  fall asleep until 2 or 3, so the early morning announcement is bittersweet. SportsCenter is his best friend in the morning.I could be upstairs or down, a non-important entity. Did you know the US Open started today:)

I made some personal progress today. I called my doctor's office and set up an appointment. I also called the agent for Ben's life insurance policy. I need to change it out of Jack's name. We have a meeting tomorrow. Two things checked off my long list .

The boys worked on the golf course tonight, groomed  the chipping areas...then it went south. I was on my deck with another mom, her son decided to see how far he could drive the ball. This golf course is for putting green only. His mom and myself weren't in ears reach. Let's just say he was a good shot..taking out his family room window. Kinda put a damper on the tournament planned. I asked the older sister to hang out at our house while I ran to the pharmacy...that's when all hell broke loose.

Not for my house..just for me. Last week I did a transfer of some sorts to remove Jack from our health insurance. When I paid for my prescriptions they said the policy was cancelled. I freaked the freak. I quickly paid out of pocket, somehow drove home and was actually more concerned about Ben not being covered than myself. My top 5 go to people weren't home...then I spoke with the person I should have called from the start.She talked me through an oncoming panic attack and explained why this was probably happening.  A case of paper work not caught up. Thank-you, my friend.

Ben fell asleep with the US Open on TV...he had no clue it was a replay, the same thing he watched this morning...when he woke up:)

...new traditions

Why do people plan things in advance?...it boggles my mind these days. I guess Father's Day is coming up and I've been approached on what my plans are.  I would love to have a game plan. I spoke with my sister Debbie this evening. She told me to do whatever Ben and I wanted ..make a new tradition.

I guess Ben and I do belong to the same club now...we've both lost our fathers. That hadn't dawned on me. I was 16, Ben just 10.

Jack's parents called this evening, wanting us to go to Ft. Dodge to spend the day with Laura and family. She is Jack's sister. Ben just wants to stay put...come to find out Ben made the 10U All-Star  baseball team and our 1st practice is on Sunday. After that, who knows what we'll do.

Jack and Ben were best friends, I've got to honor that somehow, yet the guilt for his parents drape me like a overgrown vine. What should I do?

Courtship Of Eddie s Father Opening Theme

...washing dishes

My dishwasher has decided to go on strike. Granted, it still runs, but it just won't clean. I've tried the dishwasher cleaner, where you only wash the dishwasher. Nothing. Is my dishwasher trying to compete with me on who can be the least productive? Who does one call to fix a lazy dishwasher?

I read, today, two interesting, mind-provoking pieces. One was a just a quote a friend posted on her facebook wall. The other came in an article sent to me, titled, "Why Lying in a Pile on your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea".-Julie(JC) Peters.

I read the article once...must go back and break it down, sentence by sentence, some heedy messages. Two  things I wanted to share...

"In the moment, in this pile on the floor, you are the most powerful than you've ever been. Warrior style, on the back of a crocodile".

"Confusion can be an incredible teacher-how could you ever learn if you already had it all figured out".

Tomorrow, I will use Jack's computer to print it out. I have a habit of avoiding that room. I think I'm going to switch the office with the guest bedroom...a new look, so to speak. I'm not sure Jack's sailfish will make the cut.

My favorite moment of the day was when Ben told me that all the rain we've gotten has interfered with his golf game..I'm thinking, what golf game? He has taken a clinic, played miniature golf twice and has attempted to create a course in the backyard. What golf game?..he's never played yet. I just smiled to myself and told him it would come:)

Tomorrow, I have alot of handwashing dishes to do. It won't bother me..it's always been like tending a garden...soothing to the soul.

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are".-E.E. Cummings

...three strikes, you're out

Tonight was the final inning of the Red Soxs, almost going to the championship game. What a ride the tournament became. I'm so proud of all the players, especially #4.  We resumed play after the game was called last week, because of  lightening and rain. Ben was eligible to pitch. We had two players on base when he started. He struggled on the mound. Scores were made. We were down by one when play resumed. They scored, we scored. Ben finally shut them down, three outs in a row, noone took a base. The clock was in favor the opponent..we ran out of time.

I actually had a heart to heart with Ben last night, I told him to get his mind into baseball...it's been all about golf recently.

I think I need an umpire in my life. He could hang out with me, give me balls and strikes, based on my merits. "You didn't fold any clothes that have piled up in the bedroom", strike 1. "You didn't make three important phone calls today", strike 2. "You tucked your son into bed and gave him back scratches"...homerun:)

...because I knew you

Tonight was family dinner at Pam's. We had three generations of birthday's to celebrate. Katy, T.J. and Andy. It was grand to reconnect with mi familia:)

I ran into an old neighbor today at the grocery store. She.. all happy, how are you?  Me, chipper right back at her,  just great..awkward moment.

I need glue..lots of glue, just to keep me together. Elmer's School Glue is not doing the trick.

I stepped out of myself to ponder..and cannot fathom the continued love and support I get from friends. It comes in the mail, a text, an e-mail, a private facebook message, a call. Thank-you:) ..I just now need the courage to walk.

To everyone who has tuned into this trite blog that I've started..this song is for you:) I love you with all my heart:)

For Good Lyrics

...I got nothing

I am devoid of any thought this evening. Saturday Night Live just started..perfect background noise to fall asleep.

...just Ben

Golf is overtaking my life, or at least my backyard. If I were a golfer, I would say it's a good thing. I'm not though. The muddy sand trap turned into muddy boys, a muddy slide on the playfort..and I lost it. Then I later saw mud on the walls as well as the carpet. Let's just say, not a quiet early evening at the Jordison household.

Jack always hated the fact that Ben's birthday was in November, not because he was born in November, only because he hated giving Ben a new bike when he couldn't ride it until spring. He thought that sucked for Ben, being a kid and all. Look at the shiny new bike...and that's about it. This summer Jack wanted to buy Ben a new bike, just because. I was married to a bike geek and I think the whole b-day bike thing chafed him, just like a long bike trip.

Ben informed me today he needs new golf clubs. Granted, he got his when he was six or seven and they are short. With his new passion, I gave him a choice. New bike or new clubs. I told him to think hard about his decision. Less than one minute..new clubs. We lost this one Jack:)

In my first blog I mentioned how I hated the new shoes I've been given to wear. It really didn't dawn on me until tonight, but I bet Ben hates his new shoes as well. He also had no choice on this one.

I know now, mud and all, it's not about me. It's about both of us...I love you baby boy.

the carpenters - bless the beast and the children with lyrics

...like sand through the hourglass, so are the day's of our lives

I actually love the sound of rain, for me, that equates with cozy, especially at night. I held Ben tight as he fell asleep, total comfort.

Today was also a wash. Golf clinic cancelled, although I did have an amazing morning with two new personalities. Baseball game, called out in the 3rd inning because of lightening..then rain.

I think I've lost my mind because I let Ben and friends dig a sand trap this afternoon.The golf course is progressing. The boys were happy for the rain, to green up the areas that turned yellow...sand trap, now a mud puddle. It's all good. Our backyard has been abused through the years..must enjoy their fleeting youth.

I'm trying so hard to make progress with my inner thoughts and memories...why can't I quit reliving  that morning..the visual is emblazoned in my brain. It creeps up on me unexpectedly..I don't ask for it, but it rips my inner core.

Maybe, I'm in a sand trap. I'm stuck and I can't get out.

...mojito or mojo

I want my mojo back. It's gone. I can't finish a New York Times crossword puzzle..even on the easiest day. The sudoku, not a chance.  I used to be a whiz, it was a personal goal I created everyday, depending on the hardness level. Monday's crossword had to be done in under 15 minutes. I can't do it anymore...the brain is twisted.
Facebook is another story. I used to post such randomness..asking questionaires, whether you preferred saran over foil. That's gone as well.

Barbie's lost her groove, if you want, you can call me Stella!

I filled up a couple garbage bags today...random things Jack thought could have utility...at first I hesitated, but then I realized...what for.

I accidentally took my blood pressure med this morning...bad mistake. A friend told me, just avoid  operating any heavy machinery:)

I've never had a mojito, not sure what's in one...but I do know mojo. In time, I'll be back:)

...I said a little prayer

Dionne, Jack and I go way back. We were young, maybe in our mid-20's, but, besides listening to the modern stuff, we discovered Motown. Otis Redding, 4 Tops, Smoky, plus many more great talents,which are all sitting in my basement.

Dionne has always been my favorite, probably because she sang Burt Bacharach created tunes...hence the Elvis post. I'm trying not to digress.

I do in fact say a prayer for Jack everyday...I also ask for one in return, from him.

Today, I asked him to help Ben have a great baseball game. We were playing the #2 seeded team..I thought it would be a no-brainer..endure the heat and end the season. Our team was on fire. Ben played shortstop, and had an awesome night of caught balls, or picking up balls, to get the out at 1st base. It was the top of the 6th inning, we were tied 5-5. Our turn to bat.  We scored 2 runs and also had 2 outs...of course, Ben is up to bat next. I speak much of him highly on the defense..offensively, he's in a slump. He struggled..with 2 strikes, he wanted it so bad. Then, out of the blue, I yell, you got this baby! Seriously..he had to be mortified:)  It was full count and he hit that ball in between a field where we could advance another score.  Next batter, almost had a home run, was tagged at home, but  he brought Ben in.  Now, we just had to hold the "better" team so they would  not score the 5 run rule. We were up by 4. When our pitcher struck out the second player..I'm like we just won. Don't get me wrong, I think the whole league was in shock! Total team effort!!

Thank-you Jack for answering my prayer. I know you probably saw, but we had one very happy little boy tonight! I haven't seen such big smiles out of your parents in along time...grinning ear to ear:)

forever and ever you'll stay in my heart..cuz I will love you...

I say a little prayer Dionne warwick

...let's play ball

So, today was actually two months.. not three. I guess it feels like an eternity, when in reality, it's just another day like so many.

My backyard has officially turned into Waukee's newest golf course, minus the greens crew. I now have 4 t-boxes (never heard of that term), plus the putting green in my backyard. The weed-whacker has had multiple use recently.
Spectator chairs line the course, neighborhood kids vie to become a caddy. Tee off began at 8am this morning. They didn't play all day long, but the final shot was made around 9pm. Flood lights were set out.

In between golf time, Ben had to play baseball. Tournament time, single elimination. I am friends with many mom's from the opposing team. We all were rooting for the opposite team to win, because noone wants to go back to the field tomorrow night. It was comical. Ben's team won. He had an awesome night on the mound. Pitched 4 innings. Jack would have been proud, maybe not so much with the yellowing grass in the backyard. I figure, it's just grass, it can be fixed.

On this day of two months, I've tried to look, or at least tried to remember what I've done. I think I play ball as well, except I'm a juggler. Some days I juggle well, but then that damn clown starts throwing in more and more balls and I can't keep up...damn clowns

...frogs and snails, and puppy dog tails..that's what boys are made of

If today was any indication... I will rue the day Ben doesn't have a structered program this summer. I'm at my wits end. Too many boys hanging at my house...especially since my house is glass. My sister Pam, talked me through most of it...but it only got worse as the night progressed. This afternoon I lost it when a harmless toad got weed-whacked. Granted, most men I talked to laughed, said it was a guy thing. Ben and I had a heart to heart about right from wrong and about expectations from his dad, even though he physically wasn't with us anymore ..not an easy conversation, we both got teary eyed, I held him tight. I think he knows now. I'm still trying to decompress...breathe

I spoke with Jack's mom twice today. The first time was for catch up on Ben's last two games, they couldn't be there. Then I called her ..asking her if she could give Ben a haircut tomorrow morning.

It is so hard to talk to Jack's parents, they are devastated in a way that I cannot imagine. She can't speak on any occasion without breaking down. It could be my fault, because I always want to give Jack's philosophy, when it comes to raising Ben. I always thought a Jack story about Ben would be comforting.

I grieve as well, but it's different..I am now the mom and dad, provider of everything. At this point in time, I can't fully go down that road.

Tomorrow will be three months...and it's a Monday, that just sucks, because I have no clue what I've done for those three months..all I know is it still feels like yesterday.

...don't cry for me...

I don't know when it happened, but somewhere down the road, Jack and I became homebody's.  Maybe it began after we got engaged. The irony is, two very social people decided they preferred to stay home. We hung out, laughed, played music and cooked together. As we got older, it was harder for me to get Jack out, but once he did, he always had a riot.

Tonight, I could have done anything. Ben is at an overnight b-day party. So, what do I do...I stay home. I cleaned a bathroom. I gagged twice. For some reason, I simply hate to clean the bathroom. Jack knew that about me. He always cleaned the bathrooms and I loved him for that.

I played music. By habit I put in Elvis Costello, then I listened to music that wouldn't have been acceptable. I listened to soundtracks from the theatre. Evita, Cats, Rent and Phantom of the Opera. I blared the volume only because it has to be loud, to capture the true essence of the orchestra, especially when they crescendo.

I made a wonderful crab stuffed flounder..thank-you Trader Joe's.

It's funny, I used to always want some solitude..just some alone time. Now that I've got it, I'm not so sure the grass is greener. I want both my boy's back...only to hear them complain about how the house stinks because of my dinner. Now that would be music to my ears.

...school's out for summer

Today was Ben's last day of school, always bittersweet. I picked him up tonight and said, hey 5th grader..he just smiled. I easily could of gone down the sad route, saying goodbye to teachers, but I resisted. I even skipped visiting Ben's old teachers. I will see many this summer and my wish is for them to have the best summer ever!  Highlight was watching Amanda kick up her heels in the hallway..6 months pregnant and all.

Ben had a baseball game tonight at 7:20, I was dreading it because of the heat. It ended up being somewhat pleasant, with a cool breeze that set in, after the sun was setting. I always feel like I fail Ben before a game. Jack would always warm him up. Tonight I taught Ben something I was trained to do before every swim meet I ever swam in. I told him there was a good chance he would pitch tonight. Then I told him to relax and picture his game in his mind's eye. See yourself throwing strikes and believe it. I left him alone for awhile after that. Needless to say, he pitched and had an awesome game, shut em down in two of his three innings. Later I asked him if he did what I had told him..he said yes. Maybe I warmed him up afterall.

This will be my first summer at home with Ben, not working...Lord help me, this could be a bumpy ride!!

...and the painted ponies go up and down

At some point today I became overwhelmed. I didn't actually have a trigger moment, I think I started looking at the "big" picture. What in the hell am I doing and where am I going?  I remember having similar thoughts in my young adult life. My daily existence seems to focus on what small thing I can actually accomplish.

With the stars and heaven all aligned tonight, I ran into my neighbor Todd.  He lost his wife a year and a half ago. Erica, ironically, was in the same sorority as myself. We used to swap many stories as we watched our boys play baseball...she was my friend. Todd and I were both picking our kids up at the same time from the after school program. We text weekly, but tonight he asked me about Ben's summer plans. I told him I was staying home. Trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Todd keeps his emotions in check, but when I told him that he came over and hugged me tightly...told me he would come over soon to talk. He knows....

I spoke with a friend tonight, missed a call from another..somehow they knew.

Ben had to finish his last bit of homework tonight. He almost started crying because he knew nothing about Iowa's government branches. I asked him why. He said they learned it the week he wasn't in school..when Jack died. I hugged him tightly and told him it was okay...told him his teacher wouldn't be mad.

I try, I struggle, yet I still get up everyday. I also laugh. This carousel ride I'm on is no fun, but part of the journey.

...learning the ropes and blowing out candles

It's taken me almost two months to sort out our bills...and to pay them. Jack has four different accounts, with money coming out of all of them, depending on if it were business or personal. I have my own account. It was easier to keep it separate, now I'm not so sure. Aside from closing any accounts yet, I think I have a handle on it. So Bill's, I know when you're coming, I know when you're due and I roughly know how much you will want. BRING IT ON!!

That is only one aspect. I still have to deal with name changes, his estate, and to figure out who insured our cars, home etc.. I guess Jack paid annually on those, so I'll wait until the next premium is due. Scarlett O'Hara would do the same thing:)

Today is Andy's birthday. He is married to my sister Pam. The funny thing about that is he has known Jack the longest.  My brother, Greg and Jack, were boy scouts together, one year apart. Jack was afraid to ask me out because of Greg. Andy goes back further...they grew up in the same neighborhood. Although Andy was alot younger, Jack was part of the Gillaspey household. In current time, Jack used to tease Andy about helping him reach the urinal.

If my sister Pam is my rock, Andy is my boulder. He has my back. I know I can speak for Andy when I say, he not only lost a brother-in-law...he lost a brother.
Jack would also want to know if Andy got his birthday spanking yet...that was so Jack, always creating a laugh.
Happy Birthday Andy Boy!! I love you.