...trick or treat

Beggar's night has been long over, I have been reflecting on past years...when it was the three of us. I remember one year, when Ben was probably two or three. They only stayed out for an hour max. I always gave out the treats and made chili. Jack, hated being the treat giver. My memory takes me back to a year when I had Jack answer the door. I busted him giving out fistfuls of chocolate. I read him the riot act, in a fun way, and tickled the crap out of him in his ticklish spots. He laughed so hard and we were so happy. 

...off the radar

My thoughts, recently, have put me in a recluse kind of way. My brain can be my worst enemy. I made a doctor's appointment for the beginning of December...just need to get through November. I lost a friend on November 3rd, it will be two years. Ben's 11th birthday will be on the 6th, that will be hard. Jack totally celebrated the day of his birth. Jack's birthday is on the 25th, right after Thanksgiving...ouch on my heart and soul.

...I love life

What a weird friggin day I had...some good, some just Twin Peaks...translation wouldn't print well. No worries, going to bed smiling in an odd way. I guess Halloween is a'coming.

Maybe my senses want to wake up..who knows...I'll wait till November.

...hiccups suck

I think my new life has been a hiccup,good days and bad days. I had some great moments on the phone...but the hiccups got in the way. I'm not even sure if that is the correct way to spell a hiccup. I made a concoction of tabasco sauce and grape kool-aid,,,it should have been something acidic. It was a small sip...yet I immediatately puked...before I made it to the bathroom. That is gross, yet true. Note to self...we need orange juice. I used to make it for Jack, when he had the hiccups, cured them everytime.

Jack's birthday is coming up..I'm dreading that day. That thin line between love and hate is ever so present, Ben and I still need him.

I will probably continue to have hiccups, in this first year, yet, hopefully, I'll grow.

...perlexed

I've been living my new normal for awhile now, yet I still don't get it. I lied to the heater guy to check out my furnace, wanted him to think Jack was still in the picture.Maybe I  feel vulnerable. I will probably continue to do that for a while, it gives me a sense of security..not sure if that's the correct approach.Ben's security is by far my utmost concern, so if I have to lie about the "man" of the house, I'm all about it...even though lying has never been a principle I have ever adhered to.

...dear Jack, it's now 6 months

...so you left us. I still feel so much love, anger and remembrance..what a tough pill to swallow.
Our boy is awesome, I wish you were here to guide him more. No worries though, Neil has stuck around, they are forging a friendship. You would be proud of Ben. He made student council, plays the trombone and had a fantastic 1st year tackle football season. I've got him playing basketball with sports plex , I know you hated their disorganization. No worries Jack, I will eventually get him back into swimming,when he's ready.

 I stare at Ben while he's asleep, I kiss his forehead for you,just like you did everynight. His prolife is the spitting image of you, that gives me comfort..except he doesn't snore:) Sorry pal, i just busted you.. but please keep watching over us.

...black tulip

I may not be whole, but I'm still in the game.

...10yrs old

Who am I kidding, I can't even believe I thought I could get back into the first person with this blog. I started my dialouge on facebook. Ben is well, no worries there. After his football practice,dinner and shower, he didn't feel like doing homework,until the a.m. I reciprocated,by not watching my two favorite programs.

We just talked...I do believe Amanda the Panda, as well as church are in our future.

I'm postponing spreading a portion of Jack's ashes, I want Ben to be old enough to remember. He gets it now, but at age 10, he will forget...just ask my sister Pam.

I will never let Ben forget his dad.

...mother in-laws

You love them, yet can hate them. I'm lucky, I love my mother in-law. She was my florence of nightingale, as I dealt with accountant, attorney and bankers. I got more done in 2 days then I ever would have with a healthy child. By now, you get the drill, I'm a sloth.  I have a few more loose ends...maybe I need her to come babysit me, since Ben is better and will be back to school..

She loves her Ben, I can't blame her.

I started this blog in the 1st person, since I've learned people read it, I've found myself only writing in the 3rd person. I'm going back to the old way..I need to bare my soul, unemcumbered...it may get bumpy.

...broken promises

The premise of this blog was to write everyday for one year...yes, I have fudged. That's a tough pill to swallow...between my mood in any given week and, now, my internet being down for almost 48hrs.

It's not like I have anything earth shattering to share, except for a puking boy...Jack was so much better in that department, ever so kind and nurturing. My aftermath was to deal with whatever Jack used as a wipe up cloth....I'm good at laundry.

I broke promises with this blog..yet Jack broke promises by leaving us.

...I suck at being a widow

I think I'm a slow learner. Yesterday, was 6 months... clueless to where that time went, or any meaningful conversations I may have had, or any real progress I've made. It's all been a temporary memory loss...except for Ben. Don't get me wrong, my turtle paces are moving. My tax extension is almost complete. I spent 5hrs today figuring out Jack's estimated tax payments he made. Got it done at 4:45pm.

...how do you keep the music playing

Without much detail, I've had an interesting last few days...including more destruction in the backyard. I met with an attorney today, everything is in place. It was pretty cut and dry. My attorney gave me phone call chores to do, and I got them all done. I need a stranger to tell me what to do...then I move. It seems like I use Jack's name out loud, more often than I used to. Through, our time together, this song floated in my brain...and came back into it in the last few months...how?

Silver lining's don't exist..a good friend learned of some devasting news today, nothing I could do to help.
Maybe that's the secret. We can't rely on anyone, but ourselves, to pick up our pieces...friends are just the icing on the cake:) My heart is always open...strangers as well. That's another story:)

James Ingram & Patti Austin - How do you keep the music playing

...unexpected emails

I wasn't sure if I would write tonight...a late night laugh fest with a friend, still keeps me up.

Jack and myself, had a good friend named Phil. He died three years ago. It shook Jack's core...mine too. Jack and Phil graduated from high school together, swam together, on the the same high school team...lifegaurded together. Basically, they knew each other longer than I mention. They were both members of the Delt house at ISU. Someone like Phil, is embedded in your life...he was one of the good guys.

I recieved an email from his widow, Julie last night. I haven't responded. My brain is so clouded on what to say to her, even though she gets it. We're in the same club...but my cerebullum is in the way.