Wednesday, August 31, 2011
...I think I'm slipping... falling slowly
Since school started, I find myself concentrating on Ben's needs...not my own, like the adult stuff. We have definately become closer, Ben and I, but we need to wean our dependance of each other, and it will be okay if we do. Don't get me wrong, I love my boy, despite all the things that make me angry or any of his teachers who get or got frustrated with him...he's still a good boy.I just need to quit worrying about him so much and maybe worry about myself more...easier said then done.
I'm going to post a song that has nothing to do with this conversation, except for the title I wrote for this blog. This song has stuck in my mind. It's a beautiful song based on unrequited love and letting someone go..but it can also mean so much more, if you think outside the box. We all have time and we need to grab that brass ring on the merry-go-round when we have the chance. I've got friends who are doing that as I write...very proud of them.
I should probably start taking my own advice that I give Ben...if you're going to talk the talk...walk the walk. I've got to get out of my baby shoes... they're starting to feel too small, someone needs to pull the pacifier out of my mouth, so I can grasp reality.
I'm going to post a song that has nothing to do with this conversation, except for the title I wrote for this blog. This song has stuck in my mind. It's a beautiful song based on unrequited love and letting someone go..but it can also mean so much more, if you think outside the box. We all have time and we need to grab that brass ring on the merry-go-round when we have the chance. I've got friends who are doing that as I write...very proud of them.
I should probably start taking my own advice that I give Ben...if you're going to talk the talk...walk the walk. I've got to get out of my baby shoes... they're starting to feel too small, someone needs to pull the pacifier out of my mouth, so I can grasp reality.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
...humility
I had to teach Ben about being humble this evening. The rumor from one friend to another, who passed it on to Ben, is that he's been bragging about his football playing. Granted, I know all boys toot their own horn, puff up their chests, so to speak...but not my kid. Jack and I are/were both self deprecating, especially with a compliment...we always chose to take ourselves down a notch while building someone else up.
As I explained to Ben, in bed this evening, being humble is one of the best qualities a friend/person can have.I explained it all in more depth, but bottom line, as I left the room...yep, still the guest room, I told him he could only talk the talk..if he could walk the walk. Based on the dirt, on his body, from getting tackled, I'm thinking after I walked out..he ate a little pie:)
As I explained to Ben, in bed this evening, being humble is one of the best qualities a friend/person can have.I explained it all in more depth, but bottom line, as I left the room...yep, still the guest room, I told him he could only talk the talk..if he could walk the walk. Based on the dirt, on his body, from getting tackled, I'm thinking after I walked out..he ate a little pie:)
Monday, August 29, 2011
...age is just a number
Today is Monday, my least productive day of the week. The funny thing is, next Monday is my birthday, it falls on Labor Day...how ironic is that. I also move into a new decade, yet I can embrace that, an age is an age. The question is... will my new age be a prime number or a composite number? I'm trying to understand math, after my Algebra I teacher told me not to continue in math....really, he's a math teacher..help me.
My good friend, Diana, is coming into town after Labor Day, for a b-day dinner and to purge stuff out of my house..I know we will laugh a lot as she wants to get rid of accumulated stuff in my house, she saw it all after Jack died, yet I will give her reasons why I can't. It should be fun. Diana touches my soul...we all need somebody like that in our lives.
So, bottom line is, I will be turning 50 in one week, yippie...I don't care, cuz it just doesn't matter. I probably won't mention it if I blog that night. Friends come and go in all aspects of our lives..we just need to embrace it all..cuz they give us happiness, courage and hope...and I give thanks to all my people.
My good friend, Diana, is coming into town after Labor Day, for a b-day dinner and to purge stuff out of my house..I know we will laugh a lot as she wants to get rid of accumulated stuff in my house, she saw it all after Jack died, yet I will give her reasons why I can't. It should be fun. Diana touches my soul...we all need somebody like that in our lives.
So, bottom line is, I will be turning 50 in one week, yippie...I don't care, cuz it just doesn't matter. I probably won't mention it if I blog that night. Friends come and go in all aspects of our lives..we just need to embrace it all..cuz they give us happiness, courage and hope...and I give thanks to all my people.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
...I'm not a punching bag
I've got to quit beating myself up. Last night Ben was at a birthday party, families were invited to stay. I stayed for an hour and then left to "accomplish" stuff. My evening turned into phone calls from those I love. My mom, my niece and my dear college friend. I didn't get one thing done, but I laughed a lot...and it's okay. Stuff will eventually get done, but in that small window of time I relaxed, no worries about the boys. Did I forget to mention I laughed?
Saturday, August 27, 2011
...godparents
I love love love my niece Kiley, we have so many private jokes or moments that crack us up, from when she was young. Comparatively speaking she is still a baby, even though she is married to Erich and they have a beautiful baby boy who wanted to come out in this world 3months early.
Kiley and Erich are Ben's godparents and she called me this evening to take Ben to church tomorrow.
I kinda apologized, only because I should be going...but Ki and Erich wanted a little one on one with my boy. How lucky am I....not for the free time, but the message.
I had a bad dream last night, kinda creepy. Jack showed up looking completely different from him.
His dark hair was more of an auburn tone, but it was missing in so many spots. He basically had a bowl haircut that went over his ears..thinning to the max, actually bald on top....what does that even mean? I was scared when I woke up.
Kiley and Erich are Ben's godparents and she called me this evening to take Ben to church tomorrow.
I kinda apologized, only because I should be going...but Ki and Erich wanted a little one on one with my boy. How lucky am I....not for the free time, but the message.
I had a bad dream last night, kinda creepy. Jack showed up looking completely different from him.
His dark hair was more of an auburn tone, but it was missing in so many spots. He basically had a bowl haircut that went over his ears..thinning to the max, actually bald on top....what does that even mean? I was scared when I woke up.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
...are you ready for some football
Passions change in our household, the flavor of the day is tackle football. My destroyed backyard is a mere glimpse of the fun the boys had earlier. I'm okay with that, a yard is only a yard.
Ben loves football. He has a long arm. I told him he would probably not be the quarterback, because that spot is usually reserved for the coach's son. Ben's friends told him even though he threw better he would be second string. Ben didn't care, cuz he wants to tackle and plow opponents down.
Jack loved football, he could help Ben so much more than I can. I've already signed up my neighbor to help Ben when he gets his playbook. The only thing I can help him is with drive, to push that extra mile even when you feel beat up and have nothing left to give. I'm not asking that he be a superstar, I'm only speaking from my competitive swimming days, reaching personal goals to get to the State Meet. 3 out of 4 ain't bad. Don't get me wrong, I was no superstar, I just had drive.
I am so clueless on raising a boy in sports. Much to Jack and my chagrin, Ben has been on a swimming hiatus for 3yrs.
I continue to get sympathy cards in the mail..it always gives me a jolt....Jack's job wasn't done yet.Chrissy Hynde sang it best..there's a thin line between love and hate..so true.
Ben loves football. He has a long arm. I told him he would probably not be the quarterback, because that spot is usually reserved for the coach's son. Ben's friends told him even though he threw better he would be second string. Ben didn't care, cuz he wants to tackle and plow opponents down.
Jack loved football, he could help Ben so much more than I can. I've already signed up my neighbor to help Ben when he gets his playbook. The only thing I can help him is with drive, to push that extra mile even when you feel beat up and have nothing left to give. I'm not asking that he be a superstar, I'm only speaking from my competitive swimming days, reaching personal goals to get to the State Meet. 3 out of 4 ain't bad. Don't get me wrong, I was no superstar, I just had drive.
I am so clueless on raising a boy in sports. Much to Jack and my chagrin, Ben has been on a swimming hiatus for 3yrs.
I continue to get sympathy cards in the mail..it always gives me a jolt....Jack's job wasn't done yet.Chrissy Hynde sang it best..there's a thin line between love and hate..so true.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
...the best part
...of waking up is meeting two friends for coffee this morning after dropping our kids off at school:) I'm in a pissed off at Jack mood tonight, so I'm done for this evening.
Until the next time...
Until the next time...
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
...my boy wonder
How does one not keep a straight face when they see their boy putting on full football gear, helmet included, to do his reading for the day. He is on the cusp of being my little boy and turning into a little man. He uses his deordant, but I see him wiping it on his chest...seriously?
Ben loves football, the more accessories, the better:)
As I acclimate to the new school year, I'm making strides...even though they may look like 11month old baby strides. I bagged up alot of Jack's clothing. Since I knew him forever, it wasn't that hard, I had been begging him to get rid of clothes years ago, especially his shirts from high school.
I'm feeling wistful this evening.
Ben loves football, the more accessories, the better:)
As I acclimate to the new school year, I'm making strides...even though they may look like 11month old baby strides. I bagged up alot of Jack's clothing. Since I knew him forever, it wasn't that hard, I had been begging him to get rid of clothes years ago, especially his shirts from high school.
I'm feeling wistful this evening.
Monday, August 22, 2011
...mother knows best
Football practice offically started this evening, even though we've met for some non-mandatory practices.I've voluntered to be the driver to practice, with 2 of Ben's friends. I had a 2hr window this evening, I spoke with my mom the whole entire time. It's funny, we talk daily, but when I have a snippet of time we cover many topics. Tonight we covered everything, at one point I mentioned I have no memory... she just told me, you will not remember one thing about your 1st year. I may not have been productive in my span of time tonight...but it was priceless. I hope I remember my conversation with her:)
Sunday, August 21, 2011
...it was a blessed day
It's hard for me to put into words the feelings I had today when Ben was baptized. Part of God's grace, was watching my nieces and my nephews baptize their own children in the same ceremony. It didn't go off without a hitch though. Hazel, wanted nothing to do with being baptized head back in the holy water. She wriggled her way face down. It made the congregation laugh.
I don't know why, but I well up at any baptism. To watch my great niece and nephew...and then my son, it was awe inspiring. The neat thing for Ben, which made me cry, was the fact that Pastor Caroline could actually look into Ben's eyes and explain what everything meant. He soaked it up like a sponge. She was so kind and I have never been so proud to call Ben... my son:)
Jack's presence was all around us. I saw it in his parents eyes and their tears.
My nephew, TJ, gave Ben and I a beautiful gift. TJ is friends with an oncolgist, who took a group of people to climb Mt. Everest. Many of the climbers were cancer survivors, while some were climbing for lost loved ones. They ascended with prayer flags that would make it to the top as they summitted the mountain. T-man, arranged for a prayer flag to travel to the top of Mt. Everest in Jack's honor. He gave us the flag today. The message said: "Reach for the Sky! In loving memory of Jack Jordison. Above& Beyond. Mt Everest 2011.
Behind that message is a flag in the language , I'm guessing, the Nepalese. I can't wait to have it translated.
The fact that Jack's memory went to the top of Everest and back and Ben's baptism, all rolled into one, makes me pause..but gives me hope. I was blessed today.
I don't know why, but I well up at any baptism. To watch my great niece and nephew...and then my son, it was awe inspiring. The neat thing for Ben, which made me cry, was the fact that Pastor Caroline could actually look into Ben's eyes and explain what everything meant. He soaked it up like a sponge. She was so kind and I have never been so proud to call Ben... my son:)
Jack's presence was all around us. I saw it in his parents eyes and their tears.
My nephew, TJ, gave Ben and I a beautiful gift. TJ is friends with an oncolgist, who took a group of people to climb Mt. Everest. Many of the climbers were cancer survivors, while some were climbing for lost loved ones. They ascended with prayer flags that would make it to the top as they summitted the mountain. T-man, arranged for a prayer flag to travel to the top of Mt. Everest in Jack's honor. He gave us the flag today. The message said: "Reach for the Sky! In loving memory of Jack Jordison. Above& Beyond. Mt Everest 2011.
Behind that message is a flag in the language , I'm guessing, the Nepalese. I can't wait to have it translated.
The fact that Jack's memory went to the top of Everest and back and Ben's baptism, all rolled into one, makes me pause..but gives me hope. I was blessed today.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
...our state fair is the best state fair
Why in the world have I spent two nights at the Iowa State Fair...I'm insane, but I was taken without my consent both nights. Sneaky Pam bought me a ticket to the Maroon 5/ Train concert last night. It was a group of women with their 15yr old daughters. I had a riot with the girls. My first time at the fair with Jack was when I was 15. From my concert seat last night I could see the ferris wheel Jack and I rode, it brought back such innocent love. I'm not that familar with Train, so I was getting antsy..like falling asleep antsy. I found whatever candy Ben had in my purse and consumed it all, finally I told the group I would meet them at the exit. I heard Soul Sister from the outskirts of the concert, the only song I knew.
Tonight we went as a family. Who knew my gourmet step father liked the fair? We has cooked with some of the best chefs in New York and France...to see him eat a corn dog cracked me up. Herb is turning 75 and my sister Pam planned the whole event. He was given spending money and a bucket list of everything he had to do at the fair, including a temporary tattoo. With such a large group we adjourned earlier than planned. Since I haven't been feeling well, Ben and I went home..he has a big day tomorrow...he's getting baptized:)
Tonight we went as a family. Who knew my gourmet step father liked the fair? We has cooked with some of the best chefs in New York and France...to see him eat a corn dog cracked me up. Herb is turning 75 and my sister Pam planned the whole event. He was given spending money and a bucket list of everything he had to do at the fair, including a temporary tattoo. With such a large group we adjourned earlier than planned. Since I haven't been feeling well, Ben and I went home..he has a big day tomorrow...he's getting baptized:)
Thursday, August 18, 2011
...calgon, take me away.
I feel like I've been hit by a Mack Truck...just call me Big Head Todd. Who remembers that group? I must retire for the night, feel like crap.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
...the baton goes to Stacy
School went off without a hitch.. that's just another saying I don't get, but I was hitchless:) It was a great morning filled with seeing many friends for Ben, as well as myself. I was supposed to go out with coffee soon after dropoff, but I had to decline. My head weighed 300lbs. Something took hold on my vacation with so many people, I know of 5 other ailing people.
As I laid on the couch, I re-lived the summer in my mind. Ben had a good summer...my regret, maybe not spending enough one on one together. In those same thoughts, I realized a few things.
1 broken weed whacker
1 broken shop hallogen lamp
1 missing Razor scooter
I Razor scooter run over by my car
3 slats on my sliding glass door broken
Chain on the sliding glass door out of the cog, completely gone
Screen taken out of Ben's bedroom window, so they could climb on the roof
Blinds totally messed up because of previous action
Backyard destoyed
At this point do I say priceless, no. Ben had a great summer, don't get me wrong. With only one set of eyes..stuff happened. This was my first summer home with Ben and I would probably give me a C-, maybe a D. I also realize my list is only stuff, replaceable stuff...some things can't be replaced.
As I laid on the couch, I re-lived the summer in my mind. Ben had a good summer...my regret, maybe not spending enough one on one together. In those same thoughts, I realized a few things.
1 broken weed whacker
1 broken shop hallogen lamp
1 missing Razor scooter
I Razor scooter run over by my car
3 slats on my sliding glass door broken
Chain on the sliding glass door out of the cog, completely gone
Screen taken out of Ben's bedroom window, so they could climb on the roof
Blinds totally messed up because of previous action
Backyard destoyed
At this point do I say priceless, no. Ben had a great summer, don't get me wrong. With only one set of eyes..stuff happened. This was my first summer home with Ben and I would probably give me a C-, maybe a D. I also realize my list is only stuff, replaceable stuff...some things can't be replaced.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
...freedom
I googled the William Wallace speech from the movie Braveheart. I'm not usually a chick flick movie goer, I can wait till video. Give me an epic..and you had me at hello:) ...please say you got that.
I say freedom because Ben starts school tomorrow. Don't get me wrong I will miss the hell out of him, but I ended up being camp counselor in my own home and backyard...not a fun gig. I may throw a few things in a hat tomorrow..people to call. My lawyer, accountant(since I filed an extension), the Honda dealership, to fix a recalled part on my car, or a multitude of other tabled tasks.
I learned today we paid property taxes...only joking, but I don't know if I have to pay, or if it's a part of the escrow...death sucks. I'm in another pissed off mode...who will take 1st day of school pictures?
I say freedom because Ben starts school tomorrow. Don't get me wrong I will miss the hell out of him, but I ended up being camp counselor in my own home and backyard...not a fun gig. I may throw a few things in a hat tomorrow..people to call. My lawyer, accountant(since I filed an extension), the Honda dealership, to fix a recalled part on my car, or a multitude of other tabled tasks.
I learned today we paid property taxes...only joking, but I don't know if I have to pay, or if it's a part of the escrow...death sucks. I'm in another pissed off mode...who will take 1st day of school pictures?
Monday, August 15, 2011
...summer is wrapping up
I had no energy to blog last night, completely zapped. I had a hard enough time driving home yesterday without nodding off.
Ben went golfing this morning..imagine that.
Tonight, Ben and I went to school open house to meet the teacher and drop off school supplies, even though I know his teacher quite well. I still had to introduce myself to her...just for fun. It was great visiting all of Ben's prior teachers and seeing parents, but I held in some angst. This was my first back to school without Jack. He used to always give me a small talk before we went to school, about talking way too long with everyone. Ironically, after he hurried me along, he was the one who got into the conversations. I missed him tonight, it was something new.
Holiday's never meant too much to Jack, he always thought it was a Hallmark conspiracy. Ben and school were a totally different matter, I felt loss tonight.
Ben has his last tee time tomorrow before school starts the next day. I'm so ready, honestly, Ben is excited too.
Ben went golfing this morning..imagine that.
Tonight, Ben and I went to school open house to meet the teacher and drop off school supplies, even though I know his teacher quite well. I still had to introduce myself to her...just for fun. It was great visiting all of Ben's prior teachers and seeing parents, but I held in some angst. This was my first back to school without Jack. He used to always give me a small talk before we went to school, about talking way too long with everyone. Ironically, after he hurried me along, he was the one who got into the conversations. I missed him tonight, it was something new.
Holiday's never meant too much to Jack, he always thought it was a Hallmark conspiracy. Ben and school were a totally different matter, I felt loss tonight.
Ben has his last tee time tomorrow before school starts the next day. I'm so ready, honestly, Ben is excited too.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
...back to reality
I can't believe it's time to go home. We had a great time at the luau dinner. Water skiing, tubing, jet ski, duck boat riding, and total bonding for all the kids. I can say the same thing about my cousins, love them dearly.
We got home this evening and I drove my car up the service drive to start loading my car. I was driving back to the parking lot and the exit was blocked by a truck. There was a wedding party going on in one of the townhouses, so it was obvious where I had to go. I talked to a group of guys, young pups, and it was Michaels truck. They went to find him. 30 minutes later the truck got moved. They gave me a beer, but finally I said, listen, I'm 49yrs old, my car has been running and I've got to get back to Iowa before you suck out all the gas I just bought.
I have forgotten what the condition of my house looked like before we left...I'm guessing not pretty, all I know is Ben had the time of his life on vacation.
I gave all my relatives Jack's rememberance bands that didn't arrive in time for his service. One night, Ben told me it was so neat to see everyone wearing a blue band. I can't speak for Ben, but I think it made him happy...he loved his dad.
We got home this evening and I drove my car up the service drive to start loading my car. I was driving back to the parking lot and the exit was blocked by a truck. There was a wedding party going on in one of the townhouses, so it was obvious where I had to go. I talked to a group of guys, young pups, and it was Michaels truck. They went to find him. 30 minutes later the truck got moved. They gave me a beer, but finally I said, listen, I'm 49yrs old, my car has been running and I've got to get back to Iowa before you suck out all the gas I just bought.
I have forgotten what the condition of my house looked like before we left...I'm guessing not pretty, all I know is Ben had the time of his life on vacation.
I gave all my relatives Jack's rememberance bands that didn't arrive in time for his service. One night, Ben told me it was so neat to see everyone wearing a blue band. I can't speak for Ben, but I think it made him happy...he loved his dad.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
...the fun continues
It was just another day of fun..to get the gist of it, you really had to be here. I couldn't begin to break down the minutia of today and night. Ben did golf his first ever 18 holes of golf with my cousins, he had a blast. Tomorrow will only be 9 holes because we're going to my Aunt Gail and Uncle Pat's home for a luau themed party. Their lake home is 15 min from our place. Tonight, before we went to dinner we had family pictures, wearing our reunion t-shirts. Each family was designated a color.The photo shoot took some time. One picture is always taken of the in-laws only...long ago we nicknamed them the out-laws. When it was their turn, I instinctively started looking around for Jack..it was out of habit. He should be here.
Friday, August 12, 2011
family...it makes me smile
I come from an extremely close knit immediate family, they are my life line. My mom is 1 out of 6 siblings, everyone is here with their children and the grandchildren...in my family 2 great grandchildren. It's been a cacophony of noise and constant laughter. Some people complain in life complain about the family reunion...that simply doesn't exist in our world. We relish and delight in the fact that we can all see each other, it's a rare thing. I am so blessed to be apart of this amazing clan.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
...simple pleasures
Children's laughter and the beauty of nature..it doesn't get any better than that. Except for my early morning tee time with Ben. I'm golfing for the first time in about 18yrs. Should be interesting. My 15 year old niece, Hannah, will be driving the golf cart. She just got her driver's permit. I can guarantee, the morning will be comical. More family will be trickling in tomorrow. When all is said and done, there will be 65 of us.
The ironic part of where we're staying is we have a fire pit in the backyard of our townhouse, the lake makes up part of the landscape I get to witness on a daily basis. Wood is supplied daily. Chairs are set up around the stone perimeter. Ben is in heaven...he can actually make a bon-fire everynight, with no one getting mad, or worried. He cleans up debris everyday from the previous fire and preps for the fire he will make at dark. Today, I took him on a walk to pick up twigs, I told him he needed small kindling. S'mores were made again and we will repeat this ritual tomorrow night....simple pleasures.
The ironic part of where we're staying is we have a fire pit in the backyard of our townhouse, the lake makes up part of the landscape I get to witness on a daily basis. Wood is supplied daily. Chairs are set up around the stone perimeter. Ben is in heaven...he can actually make a bon-fire everynight, with no one getting mad, or worried. He cleans up debris everyday from the previous fire and preps for the fire he will make at dark. Today, I took him on a walk to pick up twigs, I told him he needed small kindling. S'mores were made again and we will repeat this ritual tomorrow night....simple pleasures.
Monday, August 8, 2011
...time to relax
I've been off the radar for the last two days. One day and night getting ready to leave...and the traveling. We made it to Minneapolis to spend the night with Pam and Andy's great friends Tom & Jill. Our day was jam packed with fun. We met them at Canterbury Park, where we were invited to be Hormel employees at a private party, to eat, drink and bet on some horse races. Ben placed most of our bets, I should have trusted him more than myself, cuz he actually won money. The camels and ostriches were also racing in between the horses..much added fun for the kids. We left after the 4th race and went to Prior Lake, where Tom and Jill own a pontoon boat. The kid's tubed..I got sunburned on my white skin. The day was great fun. Tacos were made at the Rushin household that evening, drinks were consumed, many laughs were had by all. When all was said and done, I left Tom and Jill's with 8 band-aids on my body that I didn't arrive with. Good times.
Today, being Sunday, was another travel day to get to Alexandria, MN...destination, The Arrowood Resort. We had to go to Ikea first. I enertained my nieces..or I should say, Ben did, while Pam and Andy picked out things for their basement. Every department is set up as a small vignette. We went into a kitchen area...Ben walks in behind the island and announces out loud, "Hi I'm Rachel Ray", he made shoppers laugh. He did something in every department, not unruly, just comical. I think it took us 3hrs before all was said and done. We got back on the road and arrived at the resort around 5. This will be my home for the next 7days. It will be awesome. Day 1 Ben wants to do everything..even though we had just checked in, after bumper to bumper traffic for a majority of the trip. I needed to only decompress and change bandages. Tomorrow, is full of adventure.
Today, being Sunday, was another travel day to get to Alexandria, MN...destination, The Arrowood Resort. We had to go to Ikea first. I enertained my nieces..or I should say, Ben did, while Pam and Andy picked out things for their basement. Every department is set up as a small vignette. We went into a kitchen area...Ben walks in behind the island and announces out loud, "Hi I'm Rachel Ray", he made shoppers laugh. He did something in every department, not unruly, just comical. I think it took us 3hrs before all was said and done. We got back on the road and arrived at the resort around 5. This will be my home for the next 7days. It will be awesome. Day 1 Ben wants to do everything..even though we had just checked in, after bumper to bumper traffic for a majority of the trip. I needed to only decompress and change bandages. Tomorrow, is full of adventure.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
...innocence lost
I'm not quite sure how to sum up today. All my plans were thwarted.
Jack played in a neighborhood fantasy football league, my neighbor came over and I went outside to talk to him. This year they are establishing a traveling Jordison trophy for the winner of this upcoming season. His name will be engraved in the trophy and will be passed on year after year for the winner. I had a hard time keeping it together, physically and vocally...it touched my heart.
Last night, Ben lost a tooth that he said was loose since the end of 2nd grade. Shortly after Jack died, Ben asked me if there was a Santa Claus...he's been on the cusp, mostly because of friends. The boy just lost his dad, he was with me, getting the phone for me, crying in the hallway.
I told him no. Santa isn't real or any other holiday friends. After that..why sugar coat.
Tonight, Ben asked me why he didn't get any money under his pillow..I'm like, cuz I just gave you a twenty to spend wisely...maybe I should have still been playing the game, he missed the tradition..let him stay a boy, even though he was given a dose of growing up way too fast. I will find something to put under his pillow tonight..doesn't matter that he's next to me in bed. We will eventually find our way.
Jack played in a neighborhood fantasy football league, my neighbor came over and I went outside to talk to him. This year they are establishing a traveling Jordison trophy for the winner of this upcoming season. His name will be engraved in the trophy and will be passed on year after year for the winner. I had a hard time keeping it together, physically and vocally...it touched my heart.
Last night, Ben lost a tooth that he said was loose since the end of 2nd grade. Shortly after Jack died, Ben asked me if there was a Santa Claus...he's been on the cusp, mostly because of friends. The boy just lost his dad, he was with me, getting the phone for me, crying in the hallway.
I told him no. Santa isn't real or any other holiday friends. After that..why sugar coat.
Tonight, Ben asked me why he didn't get any money under his pillow..I'm like, cuz I just gave you a twenty to spend wisely...maybe I should have still been playing the game, he missed the tradition..let him stay a boy, even though he was given a dose of growing up way too fast. I will find something to put under his pillow tonight..doesn't matter that he's next to me in bed. We will eventually find our way.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
...let your conscience be your guide
Ok, I'm back, sorta...alot of things have happened in two days. Yesterday morning's wake-up call from Neil probably did me in last night...or it could have been Mob Week on AMC, the jury is out on that one.
Ben and Neil had their fishing day together. Neil bought Ben his first grown up fishing pole, that about opened up Saylorville Dam's gate, for me. They had an awesome day together. Ben caught 8 fish, although, Neil caught the biggest...even though he lost his lucky bobber:) After Ben gave me the play by play of their day, I got a kick out of him recreating everything for his friends.
Today, I actually started writing thank-you notes...major breakthrough. It's okay. I'm trying to curb my emotions on every one I write. I have a long way to go.
Ben had a football clinic this evening and then played outside. The boys were going to do something that I didn't agree with. I encouraged Ben to go. Once he agreed to go, I put my phone on speed dial to his number. I never had to call him back...he came home on his own. He came into the back door and I was right there, ready to hug him, and tell him he made the right choice. Peer pressure is hard, he was scared. I told him I was giving him a test, but I would have stopped it. Ben said he felt like his dad was telling him not to. Thank-you Jack, for still having our backs.
Ben and Neil had their fishing day together. Neil bought Ben his first grown up fishing pole, that about opened up Saylorville Dam's gate, for me. They had an awesome day together. Ben caught 8 fish, although, Neil caught the biggest...even though he lost his lucky bobber:) After Ben gave me the play by play of their day, I got a kick out of him recreating everything for his friends.
Today, I actually started writing thank-you notes...major breakthrough. It's okay. I'm trying to curb my emotions on every one I write. I have a long way to go.
Ben had a football clinic this evening and then played outside. The boys were going to do something that I didn't agree with. I encouraged Ben to go. Once he agreed to go, I put my phone on speed dial to his number. I never had to call him back...he came home on his own. He came into the back door and I was right there, ready to hug him, and tell him he made the right choice. Peer pressure is hard, he was scared. I told him I was giving him a test, but I would have stopped it. Ben said he felt like his dad was telling him not to. Thank-you Jack, for still having our backs.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
...school starts soon
I'm in the process of duping Ben and friends. They came to me this afternoon, saying we want to help you out by cleaning, or whatever...for money. I said perfect. Start with Ben's bedroom and his man cave. They did a so-so job, got bored and didn't finish. Next, they will go down to Jack's workshop. I will have them clean up the area that they used to build their go-kart. When all is said and done and they want their money...I will say, for what? You made all those messes, but thank-you for finally cleaning it all up. I am sounding mean but I'm slowly learning, I gotta keep the upper hand.
Yesterday, I went shopping for football equipment with Ben and a neighbor friend who is older, Jaron gave me so much direction. This morning, the trombone was playing again in my ear...but this time he was also wearing all his new football gear...how does one not laugh...padded football practice pants and a trombone.
Neil is picking Ben up to fish tomorrow morning at 7am...I told him to just call my cell on the drive over to stir me out of bed. Ben is prepared. Clothes are ready. I spoke with Ben tonight as I gave him his nightly massages on whatever ailment he suffered. I told him how important it is to me and Neil that they get to hang out together. Jack is smiling down at both of us...he's also excited school starts soon, cuz his backyard has gotten trashed this summer.
Yesterday, I went shopping for football equipment with Ben and a neighbor friend who is older, Jaron gave me so much direction. This morning, the trombone was playing again in my ear...but this time he was also wearing all his new football gear...how does one not laugh...padded football practice pants and a trombone.
Neil is picking Ben up to fish tomorrow morning at 7am...I told him to just call my cell on the drive over to stir me out of bed. Ben is prepared. Clothes are ready. I spoke with Ben tonight as I gave him his nightly massages on whatever ailment he suffered. I told him how important it is to me and Neil that they get to hang out together. Jack is smiling down at both of us...he's also excited school starts soon, cuz his backyard has gotten trashed this summer.
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