...kinda a roller coaster day

Today, I begged for Jack's guidance. I really needed him for at least 15 minutes. Okay, that's a lie, I need him daily.

Ben's teacher sent me an e-mail about his recent behavior, that made my knees buckle.We spoke after school and it's all good. Typical end of the year, or better yet, testing the waters on what you can get away with.I thought it was all related to Jack...something stirring in Ben.
The time between our e-mails and speaking, I needed help, wasn't sure what to do. I felt like a failure and I got mad at Jack. We did this together as a team, as a family.

Ironically, as I read the e-mail from his teacher over and over, I recieved an e-mail from the Raccoon River Valley Trail. They had just posted an article about Jack's death, a beautiful tribute to him and the unbelievable support their foundation has recieved in his name for his memorial. If I knew how to link, I would.
I stared at Jack's picture, a face so familiar.I asked  him to help me continue to raise Ben, lead me down the right path.

I picked Ben up from his after school program. I tried to extract some truth out of his day without telling him I knew. He was silent.  When we got home he went to his backpack and pulled out an ongoing writing assignment he had completed. The title, "Ben's Guide to Cycling".I about buckled over again. I'm not sure when the story started, there were many drafts done, as part of the assignment. All I could do was think of Ben and how his topic would have made his Dad proud. I asked Ben if he did alot of research, he said he already knew a bunch of stuff. Of course he did, Jack was the master ..and Ben soaked it up like a sponge.

Moods change. I'm so tired of swinging my emotions, but it was family night. My mom and Herb came into town. 15 of us went to dinner. I think baby Grayson was the hit of the entire wait staff. 3hrs later, after many photos, laughs and stories we left. 6 more, our family would have been complete, actually 7 more, we can't forget about Jack.