...getting grounded

Dealing with demons isn't a fun gig, Thank God for Moms, who finally get you back on a path. Our family needs closure on Jack's ashes. There are two sets, one to bury and one to spread.  My mom thinks it's time to do it, I agreed with her..but how easy is it to forget... to think about it. She will be in town this week-end for my nieces first communion and wants me to set up a meeting. Ben is at an overnight Boy Scout camp out, yet has a baseball game Sat. at 9am.I have a scout's dad coming back into town, early, with the boys. Do I go to the game for Ben or go find a burial site for Jack?...angst.

...a voice

other than little people. Tonight, I want to thank any adult for a moment of their evenings...it made me feel sane:)

...unfortunate series of events

I would like a re-do. Had to be a part of 911 coming down my street in front of my house. Ben wasn't home at the time, but I ran outside to find one of Ben's besties choking on a gobstopper that got lodged in his throat. I kept hearing weird noises, peeked outside and saw my neighbor giving the heimlich to a 13yr old. I freaked the freak. My neighbor was awesome, I contacted his mom and all said in done it was a happy ending...until I stepped foot in my house. I just broke down and cried. Ben's friend never lost breathing, so we knew he would be okay. I just relived the worst morning of my life. 911, cops, answering questions, legs going numb, body in shock. I'm so thankful Ben wasn't home, cuz, once again I would have failed him...by not being with him when he needed me the most. I hugged him tight before bed.

...inner peace

My friend shared the most comforting song on Facebook last night. I think I've listened to it 5 times already. It truly made me feel His comfort..it gives me peace. It's my new bedtime nightly song. Thank-you Sara and thank-you God:)  On another note, nailbiter of a baseball game, we lost by 1. Big Ben was the opening pitcher, very rusty, but held his own. TGIF, my friends.

The Fray - Be Still (Lyrics)

...new steps

I took Jack's wedding band off my right hand this morning...it feels ok.

Happiness

...happiness is..

thanking all my friends for the last year. You've picked me up, when I needed lifting, you've kicked me in the butt when I needed to move, you've distracted me, so I could be there for you...you've made me laugh, cry, think, learn and grow....that's happy:)

seasons of love with lyrics

...how do you measure a year

Even though the clock says it's Friday, I'm still awake. It's after 12:00. My phone has been ringing all night with concerned friends. I also took the time to speak with Jack's parents. I called them. I empathize with them more than I think about myself...it's always hard.

Earlier I wanted to post about about the happiness of the word "eve". What kid doesn't love the night before something. Eve sucks, tonight has sucked, tomorrow will suck.

The red eyes need to dry up...someday.

...trying to keep the threads in my clothing from unraveling

...interesting opening, damn, I should be in bed. This is a tuffy(I prefer that spelling:), week. Never thought it would be. Emotions are funny, they come out of the blue, unexpected, unrehearsed.

I turned into a 5yr old girl tonight, when I talked to my mom...she said, how are you honey?  Nothing like an  break down in my mind only. After that call, I spoke with three other vital people. Pam told me to quit holding it all in, I called her to only make me laugh. She has wisdom in her younger age, gave me pause.

Friday's D-day. What does that mean to me, discovery or dead?

In World War II, it was a war...what's so different about my last year?

I need new clothes.

...seriously, what's the significance of a year

...I'm not quite sure. My year is coming up, will I maintain my composure. I pray that I can. I'm not anxious at all, I relive finding Jack every morning of my life...and Ben's job in helping me find him.  I couldn't be there for Ben as he was crying in the hallway. I was with Jack and 911. It's painful, why will Friday change anything.

...puppy dog tails

...that's what boys are made of. Interesting day of events...I'm sure Jack is the catalyst.

...miss marianne

"All day, all night miss marianne, down by the seashore sifting sand, all the little children love marianne...you too will love her miss marianne."

I loved that song in grade school soo much, I sang it all the time, wanting to know miss marianne.

I did get to meet a Marianne, my first true roomie  from college.How lucky was I. We spoke this evening and it's like we never left off..she's much younger than myself, but still a guiding force and true friend.

Hang onto friendships, they're the best backup plan anyone could ask for, especially when needed.

...spring break is over

Isn't it funny how a spring break is the get-all for a kid. Now that I'm in the school district, I get it. School starts tomorrow. In the past, I used to laugh out loud to Ben's teacher's, saying he's all yours..I should have been more sympathetic, or at least empathetic cuz I'll be right there with them.

As I was unpacking things from the weekend I discovered, or uncovered something new in this treasure trove of a house I live in...just in processing mode. I thought I knew everything by now. Maybe a year isn't enough time to be okay...

It's spring and I've got to keep the blinds open.

...I just plain checked out

...I shall write now. 9 months after Ben was born, I started experiencing dizzy moments. They were very frightful. I went to the doctor, had tests, getting treated for high blood pressure...hence, no siblings. Ever since then, I've had a doctor phobia. In my current mind, I want to protect Ben from my own pain of losing my father and to the current pain he hasn't shared with me about losing his dad. Please, don't think this is wacky, I get I should do everything possible for my health...because of Ben. It's his fear, if something comes up, that scares me the most...makes me cancel appointments.

I just  love him too much, to scare him. I know it's the wrong attitude.

I go to the doctor on Wednesday...God give me strength not to cancel.

...innocence lost

Ben has been going through Human Growth and Development...good times. Actually, it hasn't been that bad, compared to my upbringing school information. He arrives home everynight with a questionairre, to ask me questions about my feelings when I was growing up. Perfect ice breaker for any questions that may follow. I don't let it be awkward, only comfortable...with some humor thrown in the mix. Tomorrow, he learns the end of the the tale...good times, maybe not, I just want to bottle his age and protect him. 

South Pacific - Happy Talk ( Original Movie)

...life is like a jigsaw puzzle

...no one knows where the pieces will fit in, or when.

I had a cross to bear today. Ben bridged over from being a cub scout into a boy scout. During that ceremony, Neil, my knight in shining armor with my boy, had to pay his last respects to his father. During Ben's event my mind wandered over to Neil's event. Then I thought about Jack. Neil's dad, Keith, helped mold Jack into his true being when he was a young boy. This would have been the toughest choice for Jack to make. Watch Ben cross over, or pay his respects to a wonderful man. I'm truly glad he didn't have to decide, because in my mind he was there for both of them. It would have caused him too much angst.

My 500 piece puzzle I'm working on will take a long time to finish..but every once in a while I feel like I can add another piece...then tap on that piece, cuz I did it.

...little boy blue

...come blow your horn. The sheep's in the meadow the cows in the corn. Where is the boy, who looks after the sheep...he's under a haystack fast asleep. I used to sing that song to Ben every night during bedtime,after stories.

My little boy blue is growing up, I want to slow the wheels down.

This afternoon, I had my last conference at grade school. I also learned Ben began his Human Reproduction course. Next week, he graduates from the Dare program, which teaches kids about the ill effects of drinking,smoking and using drugs. Ben had to write his Dare essay this evening and to make a promise.

I'm not ready for this crap, he's still my little boy blue, who's asleep right now. His youth is flooding into my memory bank, tears are forming in my eyes as I type this...God give me strength.

...adjustment

My whole existence circulates around that word. Small advice from my little sister Pam, you need to be in bed by 10. I agree with her, yet, I've just hit funk mode. In one month it's a year, I'm still not healed. Ben has his people who help me, God love them:) I should be in bed right now, yet I keep reminiscing about the past. In the darkest hours of the night, I digress in my head..please adjust.

...the wordsmith

I'm thinking, Ben may have inherited some of Jack's writing skills. He has an independent writing paper due tomorrow, I keep reading it over and over. Granted, there are mistakes and I would have told him different ways to use his dialogue...but this was his tale and it all made sense in the end. As an 11yr old, I thought he showed writing skills..that will develop with age.Jack would be so proud:)

Jack, had always wanted to write a novel, many perhaps....life kept getting in the way. We were both set to move to Iowa City, so he could pursue a teaching degree in writing...so he could get into The Iowa Writers Workshop. That dream was never fulfilled. Our apartment never got finished being built. Jack, would commute between Des Moines and spending the night with his aunt and uncle. After months of that, his appendix decided to play havoc on that goal. We moved in with Pam and Andy...then he sold his soul, to make a living.

I love Ben's paper, it could be cleaned up, but his heart was in it, so I let it be. 

I guess the fruit doesn't fall to far from the tree.

...there's no business like show business

I took a bye on the Oscar's this year. It was hard not to watch. I spent the day cleaning and getting ready for a new work week. Back in the day, Jack gave me the day...to watch E, and all the pre-gala events. I used to sit way to long in my jammies. I'm not so much interested in what people wore. I was a film major...as time went on it developed into a passion for film music.

I remember taking my first film music course at ISU.  My instructor played music from many films, many came from some great composers. Most students understood some names, I would too learn. During this session, more modern scores were used. I aced all of them. My new professor was impressed.

Since, I have no musical ability, except an ear, I never pursued that outlet...but Jack always gave me that one day:)...Pre-Ben, is another story, themed parties for 20 or more, we even made hand prints, like the Hollywood Walk of Fame...don't let me go off on that tangent...too many themes to discuss:)

Somewhere in Time Theme - John Barry & Roger Williams

...lost and then found

I had two hours without Ben tonight, all time spent on the phone. Many friends calling to find out how I survived my first week of work. A good friend also lost her father today. I may not have utilized my window in the most productive way but that was my choice. My dvr decided it would quit last night, much angst. I wanted to watch the results show of Idol. I play a game with 25 plus people and wanted to give an update today...that didn't happen.This afternoon, Ben wanted to turn our love seat around so he could watch our small kitchen tv, I said no. He ended up grabbing the laptop, to watch Hulu.com.

All said and done, my boy has been tucked in for awhile now. When I needed the laptop, I couldn't find it. I searched frantically for it, kept retracing spots where Ben may have taken it and set it down. I finally found it on it's side, wedged between the couch and a coffee table.

That experience of searching for something  threw me off, as I should be in bed. It's been almost 11 months, yet, finally finding what you were looking for flooded back the memories of that morning, when I finally found Jack.

...acclimation

...that's a tough word to swallow.It represents my whole being. I should be asleep right now, but I took a quick nap  this afternoon...bad idea. I haven't acclimated to my new hours at work yet. God help me in the morning:)

Acclimation is an interesting word, I've done it on a plane with air pressure, I've done it many feet under the water, having to acclimate before we went any lower. It's all a process.

I'm starting to acclimate to my new job, I just love little people. I need to build up my confidence to think I may have merit.

Acclimation, also has to do with Jack. 2 or 3 weeks after he died, I started wearing his wedding band on my right hand. It gave me comfort. I couldn't remove it once it was on, due to his slender fingers. I've lost some weight in the almost 11 months. I can easily slip his ring up and down. I'm at a crux. Should I take it off ....I can't even ponder my ring yet. I would feel empty, missing something. I'm so acclimated to the past, still  not wanting to let go. Acclimation, is a funny word, many different meanings for everybody..it's change, and that's scary.

...how lucky am I

I loved my first day of work. I've always felt like the women at Ben's school were like family...today I extended it:)

...new beginnings

I have no idea why I'm still up, I should be asleep by now. I start my new job...bright eyed and bushy tailed. Will I fail,,,granted I'm still up, so who knows. I have a feeling I may not get a full night's sleep...my friend, adrenaline, is my nemesis.

...friends are the best

It was a rough day for various reasons. I'm posting on 2-17 which will be tomorrow for most people  reading.  February 17th is my mothers birthday, also the day my dad died ...it's still hard to grasp, especially when I had to see someone today, to start my new job. Let's just say, it all worked out....I don't like doctor's, I lost my doctor dad today Throughout the night, I had some great girl talk...especially Susan...we stayed up way too late!

...happy is

I stole that opening from my sister's blog title. Happy is...finding out I got a job offer today as I sat at in a salon, all foiled up, while waiting to get back to that natural color:) I start on Monday. My last phone call was from my mother in-law, very happy for me and very happy for Ben's 5min. solo he performed tonight.

Our conversation always ends with her choking up, crying.

I'm a giddy girl..walking on sunshine! I cannot wait to meet the students and to learn from my new mentors.

Thank-you buddy for getting my letter and making it happen, Happy Valentines Day...your least favorite holiday of the year. Since you were in advertising, you always believed it was a commercial Hallmark holiday. Today, I fooled you because I get to be surrounded by some of the best people in the world, the one's who have carried me day to day. Happy Valentine's to me:)

...the longest day

Dear Jack

Today, I had my first job interview. I needed your guidance, your ommnipresent being, cuz you were the best, you reassuring me about my atttributes and helped me believe in myself. Did you send Amy to appear before my interview?  She calmed me down, and made me laugh, made the sweat from my brow dissapate.
We celebrated your Mom's birthday yesterday, the whole family was there, except for Sam and Jack.

I speak openly about you to them, they're having a really hard time. Don't get me wrong, Ben and I suffer, but we are surrounded by you, and our memories. They make us both happy. Ben had the worst gas last night, I was getting frustrated with him, and all he could do was laugh..he asked me if they compared to your's...in my head I thought no chance, you were the master. I will keep you posted about the job. If it doesn't happen, I will be fine, I will still pursue this new path. Thank-you for always believing in me. WE miss you.

...that song

I've always loved that song, it seems to have much more meaning now. Ben and I celebrated Jack's moms birthday today...there's always that one tough moment with them that floods my memory bank...makes my knees weak.

Whitney Houston - I Have Nothing (Lyrics)

...it's show time

I've got this job interview on Monday and I'm scared out of my wits. Totally different industry, I'm scared shitless. I haven't had an interview in 30 some years, times have changed, so I'm a little stressed. I need to pull a resume and cover letter out of my arse in 3 days...and figure out how to do it:)...I'm speaking computer skills only...damn I'm old.

...transition

Transition sucks. You know you need to emerge, just as a caterpilar needs to. It's that threshold between two places, where you need to take off, just like a butterfly, but you are so comfortable in the cocoon.

I do like butterflies, I'm on the verge.

Jack still pisses me off. My tears have dried up, okay I'm lying. I just watched a cd from his service and tears silently fell down my cheeks.

We can live life, or wallow in the past. 10 months into my new life, I choose to live, bring it on.

I belive everyone is capable of greatness, however one ranks that huge term. Greatness, to me, is so simple, making my son smile...making someone happy...helping a stranger, or talking to anyone without bias, only referring to a few homeless folks I met..and chose to talk to. They are people,and have merit.

Transition, is new, and I may not be out of the cocoon, but I'm on my way.

...out on a limb

I applied for a job today, that I'm completely not qualified for. I could learn on the job, but on the surface....that's another story. There was no question on strong work ethic, one of my true assets. Que Sera Sera, whatever will be, will be.

...gotta get out from the dust

I say that metaphorically,yet truthfully as well. My head keeps going back to the Dionne Warwick song from  "Valley of the Dolls"...gotta get off, gonna get off from this merry-go-round. I'm doing well. I have my people I call, who give me strenght...make me laugh.

I'm a little worried about Ben and myself. We are so reliant on each other..I'm worried about his growth. I don't want him to worry about me so much, or question every move I make. I've been trying to leave the house on the week-end for an errand, to get him acclimated in the house alone...granted on my outings, I usually drive around the neighborhood a couple of times. He hates it when I leave...but when I get home after 5 minutes, he could care less, cuz he was already busy with a show on TV, before I left.

...now back to the dust...

Return to Pooh Corner- Lyrics

...out of left field

I listened to old messages on my answering machine tonight. One message came from an old neighbor, whom I haven't spoken with for about 5yrs...he only lives 5minutes away.  The message was actually for Jack, he wanted to talk to him about a writing project. My knees buckled and my chest sank, as I listened. I couldn't call him back. I ended up calling a good friend from the old hood, and she made the call for me. He was devasted and felt like a fool. No judgment on my part, I'm sure it will happen again.

Ben has been focused on ice skating as of late. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy our new passion just as much. Tonight, in bed, I told him baseball tryouts were coming up...and maybe we should focus on that. His receptiveness was about as chilly, as the arena we skate on. Baseball, Jack and Ben went hand in hand...they were a team...my Christopher Robin and Pooh.

...finding purpose

I think my upcoming goal of Live Healthy Iowa, The 100 day challenge, will finally get me out of my funk. It will give me a purpose...granted, Ben is my purpose...but I can give him so much more.

10 months of nothingness, only missing, reminiscing, and surviving have not let us grown. I need to grow first..starting Monday, I have a purpose now. I need to heal.

...waiting for my amaryliss to bloom

It's been hard to blog, I'm pretty numb right now, except for Ben. I still have my faux Christmas tree up, still finishing up with last year details of finances and retirement plans, and now getting a barrage of tax crap.

I thank God everyday for the friends I speak to. They lighten my load.

Ben started to build an ice rink in our backyard tonight, the whole form was banked up with snow. I told him it was going to melt some tomorrow and he had no water source to ice the rink down. I'm smart enough to know that outdoor plumbing in cold weather doesn't mix. He's in a pause mode, to come up with Plan B.
Maybe I need a Plan B as well, although I want that damn flower to bloom:)

...i'm just broken

I have a garage door opener and a garage broken, a friend who died, who would have been turning 40 today. I love Erica.

I also love Ben's teacher, I called her this evening to get him going on the funkiest math theories I have ever seen. She is so kind, she can get him in the groove...nothing Jack and myself would ever grasp.(it is all about our age..too old)

How can someone 10yrs younger than myself, give someone such insight,inspiration and advice, when I had no idea she was dying...I miss her. Happy 40th Birthday Erica..you truly are one of the best people I have ever met. We learned through Little League, when our boys played together.  Erica and myself had lived in the same sorority house in Ames, which gave us an extra connection. Very special...how do I let go of that? Give me a signal, so I can do the same with Jack.

...it's now winter

I have now entered into the last season, before a year approaches. To be quite honest, I have no clue about the last year, thus far. It still feels like yesterday. I do know I have laughed and I have cried...the journey has barely left port. I will eventually embark, it's time.

Avril Lavigne - Wish You Were Here (Lyrics on Screen) NEW FULL SONG

...broken promises

I made a hefty goal of blogging everyday for a year. Bottom line, life gets in the way, not the best laid plans. I tried.

Jack still weighs heavy on my heart, the flipside is, Ben and  I have grown so close. I'm not sure if I'm helping him or hindering him.

I use Jack's name loosely in our household, to give my boy some perspective.. the same message I would have given Ben. It just sounds better, coming from his dad.

...I'm just old fashioned

I really don't mind getting a text message. For me to respond to one, is hard...especially if it deals with more than one sentence. I like the voice of a person, they make me smile...I also feel like I had a interpersonal experiance with someone, other than with my fingers. I can be a cornupopia of thoughts, that no text would ever pick up on. Sorry, friends and family, it's for your own good:)

I had the best conversation with a teacher tonight...who knew she snowmobiled growing up, just as I did, how great is that!

..don't dismiss the young ones

Tonight, I had a mind blowing experience on FB. 4yrs ago we moved into our current home, the irony is Ben rode a day care bus with a boy, Ben's age, who lived down the street. Once the realization hit in, I find out the mother was in the same sorority at Iowa State with myself. She died two years ago at a very young age, it tore through my core. Erica was very funny, yet deep in thought and meaning. Her son posted tonight some of her favorite quotes on fb...it touched my soul. Was it her way of talking to me?

"Someday everything will all make perfect sense, so for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason."

"Every story has an end, but in life, every end is just a new beginning."

"Everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end." 

God Bless you Erica, for your words, and God Bless Ryan for being your instrument. It was perfect my friend:)

...friends and family

I am so blessed to have the best family ever, not just my immediate, but everyone in mi familia. We have such a bond, that is uncharacteristic, yet so close. I am also blessed to know some fantastic friends. This group of people I am truly blessed to know, cuz you carry me every single day, how lucky am I.