Recovering from an anxiety attack always takes a good 1-2 days...just as it takes that long for the onset. I need to learn control over my mind and body. My mind gets overdirected, which manifests into real physical symptoms, not a fun gig.
I truly believe in earth angels..for me they're real, even though I can't see them. I also believe in earth angels that I can see. People that I know, who have gone out of their way with love, support and true concern over Ben and myself's well being. It's been pretty powerful.
Last night, dinner was at my house for the family. Steph and her husband Doug, stopped by for a little social. Before they left she said she had something to give me.
In college, I was a member of this remarkable group of women, my sorority sisters. We are Pi Beta Phi. Time and distance doesn't diminish the bond that was forged so many years ago. We have a habit of picking up where we left off.
Since Jack died, Steph called upon our sisters to help provide the means to take Jack's ashes wherever Ben and I decided to spread them. That was what Jack wanted.
I love you girls, my Pi Phi angels...my angels on earth:) We are sisters of the wine and silver blue..always.TTF
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
...circle of life
Ben has a bunk-bed. It was Jack's bunk-bed when he was a liitle boy. His parents saved it. Jack painted it red many years ago to put into Ben's bedroom, after his crib. Ben was totally into firefighters. We gave him a fireman's bedroom. Ben was a fanatic about fire fighting. My mom bought him a cloth fire fighter costume, I bought him one of those reel up garden hoses. Everyday, we had a three alarm fire. The bottom of our stairs was the fire station. He kept all the gear there, all laid out.. Jack and I never knew when the alarm would go off..until the words..fire in the hole. We always responded to his imagination, as he instructed us to our duties. Jack hated the reel up garden hose. He had no patience reeling it back up at least 5 times a day. The hose disappeared, I think he threw it away.
I've been in the process of transforming his firefighter bedroom into a "cool" bedroom. I started it while Jack was still here. Today, I was changing the sheets of the bunk-bed and realized I detest the bunk-bed. There is no easy way to properly make a bed. I fought with the top bunk and started sweating. Bottom bunk, no easier. You can't just toss up a blanket to let it flow across the bed, your head hits underneath the top .
Ben is growing up, realizing it, as I'm packing away all the firefighter mementos.
We had dinner tonight at Pam's. Everyone gathered again, just as last night. Debbie and Scott were late. His great aunt passed away today. We will miss Mildred. She was 91yrs old.
I sat near to Kiley in the dining room at some point. We all shuffle positions throughout a dinner. She was
giving Grayson a bottle.
In one split moment I thought of Jack, Mildred and Grayson. One left too early, one had a full life and one came too early. Rock on Grayson...and don't ever ask for a bunk-bed!
I've been in the process of transforming his firefighter bedroom into a "cool" bedroom. I started it while Jack was still here. Today, I was changing the sheets of the bunk-bed and realized I detest the bunk-bed. There is no easy way to properly make a bed. I fought with the top bunk and started sweating. Bottom bunk, no easier. You can't just toss up a blanket to let it flow across the bed, your head hits underneath the top .
Ben is growing up, realizing it, as I'm packing away all the firefighter mementos.
We had dinner tonight at Pam's. Everyone gathered again, just as last night. Debbie and Scott were late. His great aunt passed away today. We will miss Mildred. She was 91yrs old.
I sat near to Kiley in the dining room at some point. We all shuffle positions throughout a dinner. She was
giving Grayson a bottle.
In one split moment I thought of Jack, Mildred and Grayson. One left too early, one had a full life and one came too early. Rock on Grayson...and don't ever ask for a bunk-bed!
Friday, May 27, 2011
...kinda a roller coaster day
Today, I begged for Jack's guidance. I really needed him for at least 15 minutes. Okay, that's a lie, I need him daily.
Ben's teacher sent me an e-mail about his recent behavior, that made my knees buckle.We spoke after school and it's all good. Typical end of the year, or better yet, testing the waters on what you can get away with.I thought it was all related to Jack...something stirring in Ben.
The time between our e-mails and speaking, I needed help, wasn't sure what to do. I felt like a failure and I got mad at Jack. We did this together as a team, as a family.
Ironically, as I read the e-mail from his teacher over and over, I recieved an e-mail from the Raccoon River Valley Trail. They had just posted an article about Jack's death, a beautiful tribute to him and the unbelievable support their foundation has recieved in his name for his memorial. If I knew how to link, I would.
I stared at Jack's picture, a face so familiar.I asked him to help me continue to raise Ben, lead me down the right path.
I picked Ben up from his after school program. I tried to extract some truth out of his day without telling him I knew. He was silent. When we got home he went to his backpack and pulled out an ongoing writing assignment he had completed. The title, "Ben's Guide to Cycling".I about buckled over again. I'm not sure when the story started, there were many drafts done, as part of the assignment. All I could do was think of Ben and how his topic would have made his Dad proud. I asked Ben if he did alot of research, he said he already knew a bunch of stuff. Of course he did, Jack was the master ..and Ben soaked it up like a sponge.
Moods change. I'm so tired of swinging my emotions, but it was family night. My mom and Herb came into town. 15 of us went to dinner. I think baby Grayson was the hit of the entire wait staff. 3hrs later, after many photos, laughs and stories we left. 6 more, our family would have been complete, actually 7 more, we can't forget about Jack.
Ben's teacher sent me an e-mail about his recent behavior, that made my knees buckle.We spoke after school and it's all good. Typical end of the year, or better yet, testing the waters on what you can get away with.I thought it was all related to Jack...something stirring in Ben.
The time between our e-mails and speaking, I needed help, wasn't sure what to do. I felt like a failure and I got mad at Jack. We did this together as a team, as a family.
Ironically, as I read the e-mail from his teacher over and over, I recieved an e-mail from the Raccoon River Valley Trail. They had just posted an article about Jack's death, a beautiful tribute to him and the unbelievable support their foundation has recieved in his name for his memorial. If I knew how to link, I would.
I stared at Jack's picture, a face so familiar.I asked him to help me continue to raise Ben, lead me down the right path.
I picked Ben up from his after school program. I tried to extract some truth out of his day without telling him I knew. He was silent. When we got home he went to his backpack and pulled out an ongoing writing assignment he had completed. The title, "Ben's Guide to Cycling".I about buckled over again. I'm not sure when the story started, there were many drafts done, as part of the assignment. All I could do was think of Ben and how his topic would have made his Dad proud. I asked Ben if he did alot of research, he said he already knew a bunch of stuff. Of course he did, Jack was the master ..and Ben soaked it up like a sponge.
Moods change. I'm so tired of swinging my emotions, but it was family night. My mom and Herb came into town. 15 of us went to dinner. I think baby Grayson was the hit of the entire wait staff. 3hrs later, after many photos, laughs and stories we left. 6 more, our family would have been complete, actually 7 more, we can't forget about Jack.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
...team players
When life throws you a curve ball, I get Pam:) I think I've read her post at least 6 times and I well up everytime. I can't compete with her story. Don't get me wrong, she totally fabricated our youth...Pam I've told you more than once, I'll pay for your therapy!!
After reading her words, my day just doesn't matter.
Last night with the phone company, doesn't matter. I had a great evening prior to that.
This morning with the phone company, doesn't matter, although I have a new tech BFF from Boise Idaho.
Reading Pam's words gave me an inside view of what other people are going through and it's not just about me. Today, I was able to look at someone elses viewpoint.
As I spent the majority of my morning underneath Jack's desk, trying to untangle the cords, which could be a metaphor for my life, my little sister did me proud!!
The curve ball is funny, you don't know what to expect.
Ironically, Ben spoke of the curve ball all the time with Jack. He showed Ben how to hold it and throw it...but he also said he was too young to start using it. I couldn't agree more. Ben is way too young to be given this curve ball.
Thank-you Pammy:)
After reading her words, my day just doesn't matter.
Last night with the phone company, doesn't matter. I had a great evening prior to that.
This morning with the phone company, doesn't matter, although I have a new tech BFF from Boise Idaho.
Reading Pam's words gave me an inside view of what other people are going through and it's not just about me. Today, I was able to look at someone elses viewpoint.
As I spent the majority of my morning underneath Jack's desk, trying to untangle the cords, which could be a metaphor for my life, my little sister did me proud!!
The curve ball is funny, you don't know what to expect.
Ironically, Ben spoke of the curve ball all the time with Jack. He showed Ben how to hold it and throw it...but he also said he was too young to start using it. I couldn't agree more. Ben is way too young to be given this curve ball.
Thank-you Pammy:)
Rock writer
I'm not a ghost... just a rock... or a sister who is filling in for Barb in her blog as she fights with Quest to get her internet up and running again. She wanted to make sure you knew that she is MAD at this moment! But really happy that I volunteered to keep her blog going.
So, I won't lie... I feel a little pressure all of a sudden. I mean, who can possibly fill in for someone whose words have touched us all in so many ways. There are so many paths I could take with my, I mean Barb's blog...
I could tell a few stories about how Barb was mean to me when we were growing up...tying me to a cylinder brick at the bottom of a swimming pool...locking me in a car late at night in the Drake neighborhood with a bag of candy to get me through the party she was at...Really Barb?... but that would seem wrong to show the mean side of Barb... We're supposed to be nice to her right now!
Or I could talk about how she always played with me when I was young, helping me set up little people houses and the time we pretended we went to Mars in our bed rocket ships... the caring side of Barb...
Maybe you want to know a little bit about the time Jack and Barb lived with Andy and I one summer. Jack and I would sit at the kitchen table with the Want Ads, looking for jobs while Andy and Barb went to work...the "everyday is Friday" time in our lives... late nights...canoeing with broomsticks, music, laughter...it was like camp for sure!.. the fun side of Barb...
I could thank Barb (NOT) for instilling in me her great fear side... in going down to the basement... or remember the meter man knocking at the door?... and the scary time when someone was creeping about in the backyard? None of which called for the police to come to save us...come to find out.
She mentioned yesterday that she was nearly crying at a point on her hiking trip up Mount Jester! I had a funny laughing moment and a million flashbacks of the adventurous Barb... skiing in Colorado with just a few tears shed as she slid down the mountain... or biking to the cemetery with the kids... tears... horseback riding in the mud, lost sock ... tears ... me laughing... Barb crying...
We all have stories. Some happy, others not so much. The plot in movies usually have happy endings. I think life is like that too. With sadness comes happiness... it just happens that way. Jack's happy ending is that he was called on for something greater than all of us. We are all sad. In fact I've never been so shaken to the core by this tragedy.
I know we will get through it. We always do. I think there was a reason Barb's internet went down... it was so I could share a little about my sister... polk a little fun at her.... tell all of you that she is my hero. My Wonder Woman... the "W" could be a bad symbol if you let your mind think sadly. Or with the cup half full, it can be a good thing. That's why they invented the "Venti" for crying out loud.
Barb, you are a Wonder Woman. Your mean side will keep you from getting hurt by this world. Your caring side will take care of the people you love. Your fun side...well enough said about that (I'll save it for another blog). Your fear side will make you grow. Being uncomfortable and taking risks is what makes people successful. Your adventurous side means you will keep trying.
You are my Wonder Woman and I would wear the letter "w" proudly.
Here's to you sis ... god luv ya!
Your Rock... rock star... pam
So, I won't lie... I feel a little pressure all of a sudden. I mean, who can possibly fill in for someone whose words have touched us all in so many ways. There are so many paths I could take with my, I mean Barb's blog...
I could tell a few stories about how Barb was mean to me when we were growing up...tying me to a cylinder brick at the bottom of a swimming pool...locking me in a car late at night in the Drake neighborhood with a bag of candy to get me through the party she was at...Really Barb?... but that would seem wrong to show the mean side of Barb... We're supposed to be nice to her right now!
Or I could talk about how she always played with me when I was young, helping me set up little people houses and the time we pretended we went to Mars in our bed rocket ships... the caring side of Barb...
Maybe you want to know a little bit about the time Jack and Barb lived with Andy and I one summer. Jack and I would sit at the kitchen table with the Want Ads, looking for jobs while Andy and Barb went to work...the "everyday is Friday" time in our lives... late nights...canoeing with broomsticks, music, laughter...it was like camp for sure!.. the fun side of Barb...
I could thank Barb (NOT) for instilling in me her great fear side... in going down to the basement... or remember the meter man knocking at the door?... and the scary time when someone was creeping about in the backyard? None of which called for the police to come to save us...come to find out.
She mentioned yesterday that she was nearly crying at a point on her hiking trip up Mount Jester! I had a funny laughing moment and a million flashbacks of the adventurous Barb... skiing in Colorado with just a few tears shed as she slid down the mountain... or biking to the cemetery with the kids... tears... horseback riding in the mud, lost sock ... tears ... me laughing... Barb crying...
We all have stories. Some happy, others not so much. The plot in movies usually have happy endings. I think life is like that too. With sadness comes happiness... it just happens that way. Jack's happy ending is that he was called on for something greater than all of us. We are all sad. In fact I've never been so shaken to the core by this tragedy.
I know we will get through it. We always do. I think there was a reason Barb's internet went down... it was so I could share a little about my sister... polk a little fun at her.... tell all of you that she is my hero. My Wonder Woman... the "W" could be a bad symbol if you let your mind think sadly. Or with the cup half full, it can be a good thing. That's why they invented the "Venti" for crying out loud.
Barb, you are a Wonder Woman. Your mean side will keep you from getting hurt by this world. Your caring side will take care of the people you love. Your fun side...well enough said about that (I'll save it for another blog). Your fear side will make you grow. Being uncomfortable and taking risks is what makes people successful. Your adventurous side means you will keep trying.
You are my Wonder Woman and I would wear the letter "w" proudly.
Here's to you sis ... god luv ya!Your Rock... rock star... pam
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
...fishing for hope
Tonight, I feel spent. What does that word really mean? Back in high school and college I read some trashy romance novels, where spent was used alot. " afterwards, they laid there spent". Don't get me wrong, I get it, but I'm only referring to a 4th grade field trip. It was held at Jester Park...and yes I am spent. It was a great day, but I'm still mad at Louis, the nature guide, who took us up a hill practically running.I was tagged the lolligagger. Seriously. I don't think the back of my hair dried until I got home, which was after I took a wrong turn and drove to the Boone exit until realizing...oops.
I loved talking tonight to Ben about his thoughts from the trip. His favorite part was the fishing station. He caught 3 fish, I took photos of each. The flashback that kept creeping into my mind, everytime Ben held up his catch, was Jack. I cried the first time Ben caught a fish, with daddy at his side..Jack's gentleness, patience, pride and love for Ben are etched in my brain forever. Fish #2 I felt the same way.
I loved talking tonight to Ben about his thoughts from the trip. His favorite part was the fishing station. He caught 3 fish, I took photos of each. The flashback that kept creeping into my mind, everytime Ben held up his catch, was Jack. I cried the first time Ben caught a fish, with daddy at his side..Jack's gentleness, patience, pride and love for Ben are etched in my brain forever. Fish #2 I felt the same way.
Monday, May 23, 2011
...the rainbow connection
I lately stare at strangers,don't get me wrong, I don't want to get caught. I just look at their faces, their expressions and I wonder what their story is. Everyone has a story. I've got one. As we all walk through life, noone really knows. Is my story any worse than someone elses?..probably not. We just don't know.
I've always had this huge empathic quality about me for mankind, especially for those I know. I want to take care of my people, yet, sometimes I forget about me.
Wasn't this morning beautiful? An early morning rainbow, bright sunshine and a slight billowing breeze. I actually woke up before Ben had to wake me up:)
I said good-bye to a dear friend today, it was hard to let go.
I've always had this huge empathic quality about me for mankind, especially for those I know. I want to take care of my people, yet, sometimes I forget about me.
Wasn't this morning beautiful? An early morning rainbow, bright sunshine and a slight billowing breeze. I actually woke up before Ben had to wake me up:)
I said good-bye to a dear friend today, it was hard to let go.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
...my new best friend
I've got to get my act in order with Ben. Nothing's wrong. His needs are met, he's loved up and cuddled everyday. My nerve endings just seem to be shorter. One octave change in my voice, he jumps like a deer in the the headlights. He has become needier in the most simplest tasks. Mom, I'm thirsty, where's my glove. All minor, but I think I've forgotten to realize my little man is clinging to me and needs me more than I've been giving him. We will find our way. I love him soo much.
I love hearing stories about Jack, most I've heard, but the new ones make me smile.
I was trying to get our CD's (music, not money), back in order. Jack kept them alphabetized. Stumbled across this tune today.
Janna, my friend, it's close..
I love hearing stories about Jack, most I've heard, but the new ones make me smile.
I was trying to get our CD's (music, not money), back in order. Jack kept them alphabetized. Stumbled across this tune today.
Janna, my friend, it's close..
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
365 days..
My journey began when I started this blog. The goal, posting something every night for one year. Then, it would automatically self destruct. Ok, that last part was made up. Sometimes, this blog beats up my soul, all good, just part of the ride.
I'm in angry mode right now, WHY!!
My family never ceases to amaze me, what a great night at the ballpark, witnessing Ben's first pitch at the Iowa Cubs game. Total rain all day long and the attendance was somewhat of a wash...sorry, bad pun.
We went to a private area, noone coming..Neil showed up...enough said. Jack's parents were also there. We had way too much fun and laughs had by all. Why am I so blessed to be with this wonderful family.
I'm in angry mode right now, WHY!!
My family never ceases to amaze me, what a great night at the ballpark, witnessing Ben's first pitch at the Iowa Cubs game. Total rain all day long and the attendance was somewhat of a wash...sorry, bad pun.
We went to a private area, noone coming..Neil showed up...enough said. Jack's parents were also there. We had way too much fun and laughs had by all. Why am I so blessed to be with this wonderful family.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
...nothing comes easy
I think I'm ready for help. I've been a non-functioning walking zombie for almost two months. My church has called, I've always said not yet. I have such high hopes everyday. I think I'm alone too much in my brain. I'm not good company for myself. I play pin-ball all day long and I always tilt.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
...Houston..I think there's a problem..
I sent out an e-mail today, it landed into two unfortunate inboxes:) The gist, or actually the only thing I said was, I figured it out...I'm a hoarder. I'm not a hoarder in the true sense of the word, where the TV program would be clamoring at my doorstep. I just save things..not pizza boxes, stacks of newspapers or other gross stuff. It's mainly just stuff that I think will have another purpose..and with a 10yr old boy, my "stuff" usually has utility. I grew up with the woods as my backyard, I always want to make sure Ben can use his imagination, supplies at hand.
The guest bedroom is a dumping ground for stuff..stuff to save. Today I thought I would sift through the boxes of memories for better organization..and other stuff:)
Jack was a somewhat hoarder himself, why do we have over 19 bikes in our basement? Actually, that gives me comfort, it was his passion.
I discarded a garbage sack of non-savables...then I found a letter from Jack. I thought my childhood home...known for basement flooding, had wiped out everything.
Anyone familiar to the Greek system at college, it was customary for a guys frat to want a sorority girl to become a little sister. Back then it seemed so important. Jack's frat didn't have the lil sis program.
I was asked...and here is the letter I found.
Barbie,
I wish you were with me right now. I'd hug the hell out of you and let you tell me that I'll do ok on my tests(which I won't).
Barbie, you don't know how much it means to me that you'd give up the little sis thing. I just wanted to thank-you and tell you how much I love you. I can't believe how lucky of a guy I am to have a little thing like you!
You'll never really understand, because you're not a guy. I just don't want to share you with anybody else is all. You're about the only thing I've ever done right and I'm not going to take chances of losing you to any other guy. Sometimes, I don't know which way is up. I'm a pretty confused person right now. It's like there are so many things I need to decide about. Even when I get I the feeling that I'm totally F'd up, I think about you and get this great feeling that somebody really cares about and wants me as much as I want them. I'm crying like hell right now and I'm not sure why. But I just want you to know that I love you with everything I've got and need you now more than ever in my life. Thanks for being you and thanks for being mine. Love, Jack
No wonder I'm a hoarder.
The guest bedroom is a dumping ground for stuff..stuff to save. Today I thought I would sift through the boxes of memories for better organization..and other stuff:)
Jack was a somewhat hoarder himself, why do we have over 19 bikes in our basement? Actually, that gives me comfort, it was his passion.
I discarded a garbage sack of non-savables...then I found a letter from Jack. I thought my childhood home...known for basement flooding, had wiped out everything.
Anyone familiar to the Greek system at college, it was customary for a guys frat to want a sorority girl to become a little sister. Back then it seemed so important. Jack's frat didn't have the lil sis program.
I was asked...and here is the letter I found.
Barbie,
I wish you were with me right now. I'd hug the hell out of you and let you tell me that I'll do ok on my tests(which I won't).
Barbie, you don't know how much it means to me that you'd give up the little sis thing. I just wanted to thank-you and tell you how much I love you. I can't believe how lucky of a guy I am to have a little thing like you!
You'll never really understand, because you're not a guy. I just don't want to share you with anybody else is all. You're about the only thing I've ever done right and I'm not going to take chances of losing you to any other guy. Sometimes, I don't know which way is up. I'm a pretty confused person right now. It's like there are so many things I need to decide about. Even when I get I the feeling that I'm totally F'd up, I think about you and get this great feeling that somebody really cares about and wants me as much as I want them. I'm crying like hell right now and I'm not sure why. But I just want you to know that I love you with everything I've got and need you now more than ever in my life. Thanks for being you and thanks for being mine. Love, Jack
No wonder I'm a hoarder.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
"My Aim is True"
I think I slept 5hrs last night. I listened to alot of Elvis Costello. Jack loved him. I think he owns everything he's ever made, including a bunch of bootleg albums that he bought at Co-op Record Store back in high school. When we first started dating, I think my opinion of Elvis Costello was some sort of litmus test, whether I passed the test, for him to continue dating me....I think I passed.
I was trying to find a perfect song of his for this blog...instead, I went down memory lane, relating each song or album to events in our lives. Jack and I used to debate the merits of a particular album. I think he was more old school, while I loved some of his newer music. When Elvis and Burt Bacharach collaborated together, I was in heaven. I spent many evenings with Jack trying to point out the genius of both men.
It takes a true aficionado to love Elvis Costello, Jack was just that. I too was an aficionado...of Jack.
I was trying to find a perfect song of his for this blog...instead, I went down memory lane, relating each song or album to events in our lives. Jack and I used to debate the merits of a particular album. I think he was more old school, while I loved some of his newer music. When Elvis and Burt Bacharach collaborated together, I was in heaven. I spent many evenings with Jack trying to point out the genius of both men.
It takes a true aficionado to love Elvis Costello, Jack was just that. I too was an aficionado...of Jack.
Monday, May 16, 2011
It's just another manic monday...
Who remembers that tune from The Bangles? I can't remember the year, but I'm guessing Jack and I own the vinyl in our basement..among the 300+ albums that are down there.
I really had good intentions of having a fantastic day. Ben's teacher, K, even thought so. In one split second things can deteriorate.
I had a list, a fresh pot of coffee brewed and I was ready to take on the day. Carpe Diem.
First phone call was to Quest. The bill needed to be paid and I wanted to switch from a business listing to a residential. No simple task. Long story short, they could take my money but I can't switch anything until November, when the new directories come out. After an hour on the phone with three agents, our home telephone number is the business line and our residential line is the fax line. I can't cancel because I would lose my home phone number, which is the business line..That was a mind mess up for me. They beat me up and won....I paid our mortage and quit.
I tried to start thank-you notes. Pam and my friend, Marianne, addressed some Saturday night. I couldn't compose the first one. It's so easy to write a blog, I'm writing to noone. It's just me and whoever chooses to read. The thank-you note is personal. I know who the audience is and I can't find the words.
I've never been one to give myself kudos, but when it comes to parenting, I always thought I was a kick ass mom. I suck at being a father. Maybe if I read "The Dangerous Book for Boys", I'll get some insight...or maybe I'll just call Buck:)
I really had good intentions of having a fantastic day. Ben's teacher, K, even thought so. In one split second things can deteriorate.
I had a list, a fresh pot of coffee brewed and I was ready to take on the day. Carpe Diem.
First phone call was to Quest. The bill needed to be paid and I wanted to switch from a business listing to a residential. No simple task. Long story short, they could take my money but I can't switch anything until November, when the new directories come out. After an hour on the phone with three agents, our home telephone number is the business line and our residential line is the fax line. I can't cancel because I would lose my home phone number, which is the business line..That was a mind mess up for me. They beat me up and won....I paid our mortage and quit.
I tried to start thank-you notes. Pam and my friend, Marianne, addressed some Saturday night. I couldn't compose the first one. It's so easy to write a blog, I'm writing to noone. It's just me and whoever chooses to read. The thank-you note is personal. I know who the audience is and I can't find the words.
I've never been one to give myself kudos, but when it comes to parenting, I always thought I was a kick ass mom. I suck at being a father. Maybe if I read "The Dangerous Book for Boys", I'll get some insight...or maybe I'll just call Buck:)
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Yo-Yos and Mothers
Sometimes I feel like a yo-yo. If I were going to be a yo-yo, it would have to be vintage, not retro. I would be a Duncan Butterfly...I wanted one of those soo bad growing up. I think I had an Imperial. Jack had a Butterfly. In high school he would impress me with all the Duncan yo-yo tricks he had accomplished Walking the Dog, some cradle name and many others.
When I say I'm a yo-yo, I'm not referring to my weight:) That is a whole new blog!! I reviewed everything I had written for the first time tonight. One day I'm great..another day. I'm down. Just call me Sybil:) Didn't Sally Field win an Oscar for that movie? Hopefully, only two personalities emerge, instead of her multiple.
I call my mom every Sunday before 6:00pm, I've done it for as long as I can remember. Unless she's traveling or at some civic event, we chat. The other 6 days in the week, we're hit or miss. I have always been a momma's girl.When I was little, I told her I has never leaving. She said, Barbie, some day you will get married. I said my husband and I will move in. I smile thinking about Jack's response, had he known about my childhood dream.
My dad died when I was 16. He died on my mom's 40th birthday.
Tonight, at some point I asked her a question about her first year. She said, in the most perfect motherly way, the first year was a fog.
At that moment I knew. Not only is she my mother, but I became a card carrying member of the the same club she belongs to. I can only guess, but I suspect she was a yo-yo as well.
She treads lightly with me..but I always know she's there:)
When I say I'm a yo-yo, I'm not referring to my weight:) That is a whole new blog!! I reviewed everything I had written for the first time tonight. One day I'm great..another day. I'm down. Just call me Sybil:) Didn't Sally Field win an Oscar for that movie? Hopefully, only two personalities emerge, instead of her multiple.
I call my mom every Sunday before 6:00pm, I've done it for as long as I can remember. Unless she's traveling or at some civic event, we chat. The other 6 days in the week, we're hit or miss. I have always been a momma's girl.When I was little, I told her I has never leaving. She said, Barbie, some day you will get married. I said my husband and I will move in. I smile thinking about Jack's response, had he known about my childhood dream.
My dad died when I was 16. He died on my mom's 40th birthday.
Tonight, at some point I asked her a question about her first year. She said, in the most perfect motherly way, the first year was a fog.
At that moment I knew. Not only is she my mother, but I became a card carrying member of the the same club she belongs to. I can only guess, but I suspect she was a yo-yo as well.
She treads lightly with me..but I always know she's there:)
Saturday, May 14, 2011
...thank-you for being a friend
Today was an amazing day..I didn't get anything done and yet it was the most fulfiilling. All because of friends. I saw or spoke with four friends today, all from different phases of my life. My best friend in college, Steph, came over early afternoon. We laughed, reminisced and spoke of things about our lives. Later on my great friend from high school called, we laughed, reminisced and spoke of things about our lives. Tonight, the family convened to break bread together, Andy showed me how to work the gas grill. A friend I roomed with after college came over to join us and we laughed, reminisced and spoke of things about our lives. Lastly, a friend who works at Ben's grade school sent me a text, she was at a bachelorette party, all I could do was laugh:)
I love all the FB messages I get.
The thing about it is, I'm accessible, my home is always open without an invitation. I may have my moments, but I'm not fragile. Just give me 15min. so I can get out of my pajamas:)
It's so easy to get wrapped up in our own daily lives, especially raising a family. It's taken a tragedy to help me realize how important friendship is, how much friends can help each other. Different perspectives and insight can be the most powerful tools.
Tonight, I had to pick up two prescriptives for myself...all I'm thinking is, friends are the best medicine that there is:)....thank-you all.. for being my friend.
I love all the FB messages I get.
The thing about it is, I'm accessible, my home is always open without an invitation. I may have my moments, but I'm not fragile. Just give me 15min. so I can get out of my pajamas:)
It's so easy to get wrapped up in our own daily lives, especially raising a family. It's taken a tragedy to help me realize how important friendship is, how much friends can help each other. Different perspectives and insight can be the most powerful tools.
Tonight, I had to pick up two prescriptives for myself...all I'm thinking is, friends are the best medicine that there is:)....thank-you all.. for being my friend.
Friday, May 13, 2011
I'm back..barely
I think we all have a habit of taking things for granted. I expected to post a blog last night..that didn't happen.
I crumbled last night.. realizing how important to my mental health this blog is. I almost fell apart with Ben's teacher this morning, anxiety attack just beginning. I guess losing things unexpectedly has become a common thread in my life.
I mentioned on FB last night, after I couldn't get onto this site, that my glass house was starting to shatter. I meant that. My facade is strong, but isn't that what a facade is?
It' been 5 weeks.
Ben and I have both been sleeping in the guest bedroom together. Two nights ago when I came up, Ben had twisted all the bedding. It was dark in the room and I'm trying to frantically straighten things out. No lie, in one split second there was a light at the end of the bed, and all the bedding was straight. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sure what to make of that, all I know is Jack has always protected Ben.
Hopefully, in time, I will be able to take all of the unraveling threads in my life.... and learn how to knit.
I crumbled last night.. realizing how important to my mental health this blog is. I almost fell apart with Ben's teacher this morning, anxiety attack just beginning. I guess losing things unexpectedly has become a common thread in my life.
I mentioned on FB last night, after I couldn't get onto this site, that my glass house was starting to shatter. I meant that. My facade is strong, but isn't that what a facade is?
It' been 5 weeks.
Ben and I have both been sleeping in the guest bedroom together. Two nights ago when I came up, Ben had twisted all the bedding. It was dark in the room and I'm trying to frantically straighten things out. No lie, in one split second there was a light at the end of the bed, and all the bedding was straight. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sure what to make of that, all I know is Jack has always protected Ben.
Hopefully, in time, I will be able to take all of the unraveling threads in my life.... and learn how to knit.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
..crimes and misdemeanors
So, why would anyone steal my newspaper? Seriously. I've developed this bad habit of bringing it in late, I watched it many times today...and then it was gone. I can pinpoint the crime between 6pm-7:30 this evening. I live in a frigging suburban neighborhood in Waukee, for crying out loud. Oh well, honestly, I haven't been reading much lately.
Today I had a lofty goal. Ben has a back bedroom, which could have been a huge walk-in closet. Jack and I opted to not have the builders make it into a closet. We thought it would be a perfect toy/play room. It served it's purpose until it became a dumping ground. The door could be shut. Recently, I had an idea of turning that room into Ben's man cave. Not a simple task. It took awhile, but with Ben's help, we cleared out the room. I also went back to Target.(yikes)
Okay, I went back to the scene of my misdoing. I had to pick up a few more things for the man cave. As I was checking out, I had words with the cashier, not bad words, I was trying to help her do her job. She was scanning the item and I said it didn't take. That happened twice. The third time, I said it still didn't take and she said her register said it did. I paid, went to the car, checked my receipt, and it didn't go through. I drove away and since then my moral compass has been challenged. Then it occured to me, my item was meant to go out the backdoor by some employee. The clerk helping me said they had a few. Backroom guy, said there were none. Clerk went back to check for himself. He came out with the item, saying he found it, not in inventory, but behind some other things. He even told me it was odd. I should return it. What would Jack do? He would laugh and keep it.
The weird part of today occured when I laid down for a rest. I fell asleep hard. When I woke up, I freaked. I looked at my watch and it was 3:15, I thought in the morning, but why was it light out. I checked kitchen clock, same time. I panicked, ran through the house looking for Ben. I thought I hadn't taken him to school.
I was so jumbled. I felt helpless and scared. No more naps for me.
Today I had a lofty goal. Ben has a back bedroom, which could have been a huge walk-in closet. Jack and I opted to not have the builders make it into a closet. We thought it would be a perfect toy/play room. It served it's purpose until it became a dumping ground. The door could be shut. Recently, I had an idea of turning that room into Ben's man cave. Not a simple task. It took awhile, but with Ben's help, we cleared out the room. I also went back to Target.(yikes)
Okay, I went back to the scene of my misdoing. I had to pick up a few more things for the man cave. As I was checking out, I had words with the cashier, not bad words, I was trying to help her do her job. She was scanning the item and I said it didn't take. That happened twice. The third time, I said it still didn't take and she said her register said it did. I paid, went to the car, checked my receipt, and it didn't go through. I drove away and since then my moral compass has been challenged. Then it occured to me, my item was meant to go out the backdoor by some employee. The clerk helping me said they had a few. Backroom guy, said there were none. Clerk went back to check for himself. He came out with the item, saying he found it, not in inventory, but behind some other things. He even told me it was odd. I should return it. What would Jack do? He would laugh and keep it.
The weird part of today occured when I laid down for a rest. I fell asleep hard. When I woke up, I freaked. I looked at my watch and it was 3:15, I thought in the morning, but why was it light out. I checked kitchen clock, same time. I panicked, ran through the house looking for Ben. I thought I hadn't taken him to school.
I was so jumbled. I felt helpless and scared. No more naps for me.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Out Here on my Own..
I have this terrible habit of wanting to start any e-mail, fb, or this blog with the word So. I guess I want everyone to think I'm picking up on a conversation, too make it more personal. So, today was Happy Tuesday, according to my brother Greg's comment. It was a happy Tuesday, starting off with the teachers at Ben's school.I think all my Eason teacher friends deserve more than just being the trunk in my life, they are the blossoms that will sprout. Day in and day out, they are the first people I see, talk with, laugh with. They have seen me at my worst..yet they will still talk to me:) They saw me cleaned up today.
I realized last night,in my whole life I've have kept my feelings in. My mom used to try and draw me out, I held everything in. I could see that happening again, in this current time. This blog won't let me succomb, plus, my job now is to make sure Ben doesn't follow my path. A couple back scratches and massages at night and he sings like a canary!
I managed to get a few things done outside of the house. First, I got a cut and color,(only to get back to that natural look:)).
Target was my favorite outing, I bought some shelving unit for Ben's back bedroom. It stuck out from the cart. I turned a corner down hair products and completely wiped out a shelf of hair foam. At least 75 cans flew off the shelf. I tried to turn the cart around to start picking up the cans and wiped out some grooming product on the other side. Let's just say, when all was said and done I was in Target for almost two hours. Nobody came to my rescue, including shoppers. Granted they would not have been able to enter my aisle, but where was the effort?
I also went to City Hall today to get the water/gas into my name...and pay the bill. I'm guessing the note on my front door promalgated that trip.
I did more..okay , I'm lying...but tomorrow is another day:)
G'night Jack
I realized last night,in my whole life I've have kept my feelings in. My mom used to try and draw me out, I held everything in. I could see that happening again, in this current time. This blog won't let me succomb, plus, my job now is to make sure Ben doesn't follow my path. A couple back scratches and massages at night and he sings like a canary!
I managed to get a few things done outside of the house. First, I got a cut and color,(only to get back to that natural look:)).
Target was my favorite outing, I bought some shelving unit for Ben's back bedroom. It stuck out from the cart. I turned a corner down hair products and completely wiped out a shelf of hair foam. At least 75 cans flew off the shelf. I tried to turn the cart around to start picking up the cans and wiped out some grooming product on the other side. Let's just say, when all was said and done I was in Target for almost two hours. Nobody came to my rescue, including shoppers. Granted they would not have been able to enter my aisle, but where was the effort?
I also went to City Hall today to get the water/gas into my name...and pay the bill. I'm guessing the note on my front door promalgated that trip.
I did more..okay , I'm lying...but tomorrow is another day:)
G'night Jack
Monday, May 9, 2011
Rainy days and Monday's always get me down..
I may as well just say it up front, no beating around the bush. Ok, what does that even mean, beating around the bush? I got nothing done today..I didn't even try. I've had a love hate relationship with Monday for as long as I can remember. On the other hand, Tuesday and I are good friends. Let's just hope I don't let Tuesday down.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day...and a caper
I really had no expectations for Mother's Day. I simply would have been content staring into the eyes of my beautiful boy, the boy Jack and I created.
My sister's had other plans. Debbie and Pam made sure I was recognized by Ben, hence the early pick up last night.
Debbie was the driver, Pam was on her way home from out of town soccer games.
Debbie gave Ben categories to shop from, jewelry, flowers, etc.
What does Ben say? I want to buy my mom a Minnesota Vikings t-shirt. Debbie was taken aback but said, well ok. I laugh just thinking about her reaction!
I cried when I got that t-shirt. Every Birthday or Christmas, when I ask Ben what he wants he simply says I want YOU to buy a Vikings t-shirt. I always say, honey this is your day...my selfless boy.
My t-shirt was put into a watering can and Ben said, apparently I'm your water. My eyes well up as I write this, because he is my water. Thank-you Debbie and Pam.(more than you know).
I spent the day at my in-laws, we had brunch. We do things different, instead of the traditional meals we have always had. We do not sit in our same seats.
I watched many fathers outside today with their children...I have to admit, it tugged at my heart.
My sister's had other plans. Debbie and Pam made sure I was recognized by Ben, hence the early pick up last night.
Debbie was the driver, Pam was on her way home from out of town soccer games.
Debbie gave Ben categories to shop from, jewelry, flowers, etc.
What does Ben say? I want to buy my mom a Minnesota Vikings t-shirt. Debbie was taken aback but said, well ok. I laugh just thinking about her reaction!
I cried when I got that t-shirt. Every Birthday or Christmas, when I ask Ben what he wants he simply says I want YOU to buy a Vikings t-shirt. I always say, honey this is your day...my selfless boy.
My t-shirt was put into a watering can and Ben said, apparently I'm your water. My eyes well up as I write this, because he is my water. Thank-you Debbie and Pam.(more than you know).
I spent the day at my in-laws, we had brunch. We do things different, instead of the traditional meals we have always had. We do not sit in our same seats.
I watched many fathers outside today with their children...I have to admit, it tugged at my heart.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Three Birthdays...and Dual Survivors.
My family never really needs an excuse to get together, to break bread, play games and laugh. We welcome it. But when there is an occasion, we wait in anticipation to see each other again. ( Debbie picked up Ben early, and I ended up being over an hour late, but that's another story.)
Tonight the gathering spot was at my niece's house. Kiley, Erich and baby Grayson opened up their home to celebrate Scott and Debbie's birthday's...oops sorry, I almost forgot to mention my almost 15yr old niece. Sizzle, Hannah!! That is a teenager's word for ouch, or I got you! Trying to keep up. Okay, I digress.
The night, ambience and food were perfect. When it came to lighting the birthday cake and sing, I kept scouring the room and even checked outside on the patio. I was looking for Jack. For one moment, I forgot.
Last night, Ben was at an overnight birthday party.When he got home the majority of the day was spent playing outside. At 2:30 he came home, I think he hit the wall. I popped popcorn and we snuggled on the couch watching the graduation of Zach and Cody on" Suite Life on Deck". Don't ask, but I cried. I've watched those boys grow up!! (I'm pathetic). Ben switched to Discovery Channel and we tuned into a program called Dual Survivor.
For anyone who has watched Man vs. Wild, it's the same concept. These guys are puposely thrown into these harrowing environments to show their skills as survivors. Dual Survivors is the same formula, except it's with two guys. The catch is one is a military trained survivalist, while the other is a nature based survivalist. Let's just say they're going through the same harrowing chain of events, but in different ways.
Long story short, Ben and I are Dual Survivors. We handle our "new" normal differently, even though we are going through the same harrowing experiece. Why is it that kids are resilient and adults fall apart? I guess if I knew that I wouldn't have a blog, I would be at Cooper's new basketball court shooting hoops!
Tonight the gathering spot was at my niece's house. Kiley, Erich and baby Grayson opened up their home to celebrate Scott and Debbie's birthday's...oops sorry, I almost forgot to mention my almost 15yr old niece. Sizzle, Hannah!! That is a teenager's word for ouch, or I got you! Trying to keep up. Okay, I digress.
The night, ambience and food were perfect. When it came to lighting the birthday cake and sing, I kept scouring the room and even checked outside on the patio. I was looking for Jack. For one moment, I forgot.
Last night, Ben was at an overnight birthday party.When he got home the majority of the day was spent playing outside. At 2:30 he came home, I think he hit the wall. I popped popcorn and we snuggled on the couch watching the graduation of Zach and Cody on" Suite Life on Deck". Don't ask, but I cried. I've watched those boys grow up!! (I'm pathetic). Ben switched to Discovery Channel and we tuned into a program called Dual Survivor.
For anyone who has watched Man vs. Wild, it's the same concept. These guys are puposely thrown into these harrowing environments to show their skills as survivors. Dual Survivors is the same formula, except it's with two guys. The catch is one is a military trained survivalist, while the other is a nature based survivalist. Let's just say they're going through the same harrowing chain of events, but in different ways.
Long story short, Ben and I are Dual Survivors. We handle our "new" normal differently, even though we are going through the same harrowing experiece. Why is it that kids are resilient and adults fall apart? I guess if I knew that I wouldn't have a blog, I would be at Cooper's new basketball court shooting hoops!
Friday, May 6, 2011
30 Days
" Good friends are like Angels, you don't have to see them to know they are there".
An angel sent me this quote. It sounds about right, doesn't it? I've never felt so much love from so many people. I can feel your presence, your care, your prayers. You are all part of this sapling that I have become.
So, it's been 30 days. I've never taken too much creed in the symbolism of numbers. Bills have to be paid in 30 days, okay, maybe I cry then as well:)
All I'm trying to say, is through this journey I won't be triggered by a specific day. Hell, it was garbage day, my big concern was getting it to the curb before 8'oclock. Huge feat in itself:)
Tonight I want to share with you some of the lighter side highlights of the last 30 days.
I wore a shirt backwards all day long without realizing. I kept pressing the front down because it wasn't laying right.
I did about 6 loads of laundry with fabric softener, only because I thought I had bought detergent.
I re-printed the April lunch menu instead of the May menu...who knows what Ben has been eating at lunch.
I frantically tried to get the garbage and recyling bin out to the curb on a Thursday, wearing my pajamas. Ben finally came to the garage door and told me they're not picking it up until the next day.
I went to a royal wedding outdoor party, only to watch the wind blow over the flat screen onto the deck floor.
There have been more but I have also seemed to have lost my short term memory. The post-it is my new bff.
I love my roots, rocks, my trunk and especially my water!! No idea about tomorrow or the next 29 days...one day at a time. Another angel told me to be gentle with myself. Those are soothing words, something I will try to heed.
An angel sent me this quote. It sounds about right, doesn't it? I've never felt so much love from so many people. I can feel your presence, your care, your prayers. You are all part of this sapling that I have become.
So, it's been 30 days. I've never taken too much creed in the symbolism of numbers. Bills have to be paid in 30 days, okay, maybe I cry then as well:)
All I'm trying to say, is through this journey I won't be triggered by a specific day. Hell, it was garbage day, my big concern was getting it to the curb before 8'oclock. Huge feat in itself:)
Tonight I want to share with you some of the lighter side highlights of the last 30 days.
I wore a shirt backwards all day long without realizing. I kept pressing the front down because it wasn't laying right.
I did about 6 loads of laundry with fabric softener, only because I thought I had bought detergent.
I re-printed the April lunch menu instead of the May menu...who knows what Ben has been eating at lunch.
I frantically tried to get the garbage and recyling bin out to the curb on a Thursday, wearing my pajamas. Ben finally came to the garage door and told me they're not picking it up until the next day.
I went to a royal wedding outdoor party, only to watch the wind blow over the flat screen onto the deck floor.
There have been more but I have also seemed to have lost my short term memory. The post-it is my new bff.
I love my roots, rocks, my trunk and especially my water!! No idea about tomorrow or the next 29 days...one day at a time. Another angel told me to be gentle with myself. Those are soothing words, something I will try to heed.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Two steps back...one step forward
I liken myself as a new tree, a sapling. My family are the roots that give me life. If I were a potted sapling, they would need rocks underneath to help the roots from dying. My sisters are those rocks. My friends are the trunk, they give me support, helping me to stand up.
Yesterday, I was in complete meltdown mode, I could have done a load of laundry with my tears.
This morning I spoke with two friends who imparted their wisdom and inner beauty to me. They met me at a fork in the road and both led me down the same path. To protect their identities, I'll just call them Sara and Diana:)
So, today was better.
I folded 5 loads of laundry, made a phone call to find out the autopsy report is not done yet and had my in-laws over for a bit, Ben got a haircut from Grammy.
As one of Jack's good friends, mine too, said, I'm living in limbo until I get the report. Essentially, I'm in an inbetween state, which may be the hard part about this whole thing.
Tomorrow will be one month, technically probably 3hrs...just breathe
I speak of myself as a sapling. Where does Ben fit into this equation?
He is the water. The water that will help me grow, the water that gives me hope.
Yesterday, I was in complete meltdown mode, I could have done a load of laundry with my tears.
This morning I spoke with two friends who imparted their wisdom and inner beauty to me. They met me at a fork in the road and both led me down the same path. To protect their identities, I'll just call them Sara and Diana:)
So, today was better.
I folded 5 loads of laundry, made a phone call to find out the autopsy report is not done yet and had my in-laws over for a bit, Ben got a haircut from Grammy.
As one of Jack's good friends, mine too, said, I'm living in limbo until I get the report. Essentially, I'm in an inbetween state, which may be the hard part about this whole thing.
Tomorrow will be one month, technically probably 3hrs...just breathe
I speak of myself as a sapling. Where does Ben fit into this equation?
He is the water. The water that will help me grow, the water that gives me hope.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Chasing Cars
"If I lay here. if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world."
Today was a hard day.
Dear Jack,
Okay, you've been gone awhile. You can come back now or just wake me up. We miss you and we need you. I need you. I wasn't done with you yet. When I was at my lowest, you were the one to hold me up and keep me going. Just come back...I promise I will never get mad when the toilet seat is up, especially at 3am, when my butt ends up in the water. Lately, I feel like I'm just chasing cars.
Today was a hard day.
Dear Jack,
Okay, you've been gone awhile. You can come back now or just wake me up. We miss you and we need you. I need you. I wasn't done with you yet. When I was at my lowest, you were the one to hold me up and keep me going. Just come back...I promise I will never get mad when the toilet seat is up, especially at 3am, when my butt ends up in the water. Lately, I feel like I'm just chasing cars.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Blog 5 ( no creativity has set in)
I actually accompished 3 things today, for me, that is an achievement. Ben and I don't spend too much time in the master bedroom yet. I shower, fold clothes(if I remember to), and that's about it. When my brother Greg stayed with us I told him that we needed to rearrange the room. Ben already had a layout. I drove Ben to school, which is less than 10 min. away and by the time I got home Greg had done it all by himself. He is my stud brother! He put Jacks's nightstand on the side of the bed that I sleep on. Today I opened it up, thinking it was mine. I found letters.
Dear Jack,
What's happening sport?
It's Tuesday morning and I'm waiting for the coffee to finish brewing. There's nothing like a little bean to get your day rolling. Before I say anything else I just want to tell you that I love the hell you. It seems this past week-end was different in some way. Maybe I'm way off base but I felt we talked and laughed more together. Sometimes when I hear you talk I just look at you and want to hug the hell out of you. I feel like I'm falling in love with you all over again. It feels good!....letter to be continued..
I'm thinking that was written in the early 80's after Jack left ISU. My mother would be disappointed that I didn't date it, she taught me better.
I had an epiphany a few nights ago. Jack had always wanted his ashes spread on the island of Tortola, which is in the British Virgin Islands. I had mentioned it to Ben weeks ago. One late night, I felt some clarity and some feelings about not going to Tortola. Then I thought we'll go to Bonaire, in the Carribean. Jack and I dove there as well. Same negative vibe was felt. I knew Jack , our protector, was telling me not to take Ben out of the States. Hawaii, then came to mind. We dove there as well. Ben overheard me talking to my mom about my epiphany, and he,out of the blue said we're going to Hawaii. Ben had no idea that was on my mind. I hadn't mentioned it to him.
Dear Jack,
What's happening sport?
It's Tuesday morning and I'm waiting for the coffee to finish brewing. There's nothing like a little bean to get your day rolling. Before I say anything else I just want to tell you that I love the hell you. It seems this past week-end was different in some way. Maybe I'm way off base but I felt we talked and laughed more together. Sometimes when I hear you talk I just look at you and want to hug the hell out of you. I feel like I'm falling in love with you all over again. It feels good!....letter to be continued..
I'm thinking that was written in the early 80's after Jack left ISU. My mother would be disappointed that I didn't date it, she taught me better.
I had an epiphany a few nights ago. Jack had always wanted his ashes spread on the island of Tortola, which is in the British Virgin Islands. I had mentioned it to Ben weeks ago. One late night, I felt some clarity and some feelings about not going to Tortola. Then I thought we'll go to Bonaire, in the Carribean. Jack and I dove there as well. Same negative vibe was felt. I knew Jack , our protector, was telling me not to take Ben out of the States. Hawaii, then came to mind. We dove there as well. Ben overheard me talking to my mom about my epiphany, and he,out of the blue said we're going to Hawaii. Ben had no idea that was on my mind. I hadn't mentioned it to him.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Blog 4 (need to get creative with my titles)
Jack and I used to be able to read each other's minds. After all our years together we had this certain vibe about us. We just always knew our moods or feelings without having to say a word.
As most know, raising a child/children has it's moments, lots of joy but a little bit of stress. Don't get me wrong Jack had the patience of Job, I marveled at his skills with Ben."Daddy Daddy again", was a common word in our household and he never faltered.
Through Ben's growing up years Jack and I relied on each other for relief from overseeing 12+ kids in our backyard, we just knew when to be a tag team. I could sense when he was at his limit, not just outdoor stuff, but homework, chores etc..
We were a tag team...but now I'm it.
As most know, raising a child/children has it's moments, lots of joy but a little bit of stress. Don't get me wrong Jack had the patience of Job, I marveled at his skills with Ben."Daddy Daddy again", was a common word in our household and he never faltered.
Through Ben's growing up years Jack and I relied on each other for relief from overseeing 12+ kids in our backyard, we just knew when to be a tag team. I could sense when he was at his limit, not just outdoor stuff, but homework, chores etc..
We were a tag team...but now I'm it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)