...there's no business like show business

I took a bye on the Oscar's this year. It was hard not to watch. I spent the day cleaning and getting ready for a new work week. Back in the day, Jack gave me the day...to watch E, and all the pre-gala events. I used to sit way to long in my jammies. I'm not so much interested in what people wore. I was a film major...as time went on it developed into a passion for film music.

I remember taking my first film music course at ISU.  My instructor played music from many films, many came from some great composers. Most students understood some names, I would too learn. During this session, more modern scores were used. I aced all of them. My new professor was impressed.

Since, I have no musical ability, except an ear, I never pursued that outlet...but Jack always gave me that one day:)...Pre-Ben, is another story, themed parties for 20 or more, we even made hand prints, like the Hollywood Walk of Fame...don't let me go off on that tangent...too many themes to discuss:)

Somewhere in Time Theme - John Barry & Roger Williams

...lost and then found

I had two hours without Ben tonight, all time spent on the phone. Many friends calling to find out how I survived my first week of work. A good friend also lost her father today. I may not have utilized my window in the most productive way but that was my choice. My dvr decided it would quit last night, much angst. I wanted to watch the results show of Idol. I play a game with 25 plus people and wanted to give an update today...that didn't happen.This afternoon, Ben wanted to turn our love seat around so he could watch our small kitchen tv, I said no. He ended up grabbing the laptop, to watch Hulu.com.

All said and done, my boy has been tucked in for awhile now. When I needed the laptop, I couldn't find it. I searched frantically for it, kept retracing spots where Ben may have taken it and set it down. I finally found it on it's side, wedged between the couch and a coffee table.

That experience of searching for something  threw me off, as I should be in bed. It's been almost 11 months, yet, finally finding what you were looking for flooded back the memories of that morning, when I finally found Jack.

...acclimation

...that's a tough word to swallow.It represents my whole being. I should be asleep right now, but I took a quick nap  this afternoon...bad idea. I haven't acclimated to my new hours at work yet. God help me in the morning:)

Acclimation is an interesting word, I've done it on a plane with air pressure, I've done it many feet under the water, having to acclimate before we went any lower. It's all a process.

I'm starting to acclimate to my new job, I just love little people. I need to build up my confidence to think I may have merit.

Acclimation, also has to do with Jack. 2 or 3 weeks after he died, I started wearing his wedding band on my right hand. It gave me comfort. I couldn't remove it once it was on, due to his slender fingers. I've lost some weight in the almost 11 months. I can easily slip his ring up and down. I'm at a crux. Should I take it off ....I can't even ponder my ring yet. I would feel empty, missing something. I'm so acclimated to the past, still  not wanting to let go. Acclimation, is a funny word, many different meanings for everybody..it's change, and that's scary.

...how lucky am I

I loved my first day of work. I've always felt like the women at Ben's school were like family...today I extended it:)

...new beginnings

I have no idea why I'm still up, I should be asleep by now. I start my new job...bright eyed and bushy tailed. Will I fail,,,granted I'm still up, so who knows. I have a feeling I may not get a full night's sleep...my friend, adrenaline, is my nemesis.

...friends are the best

It was a rough day for various reasons. I'm posting on 2-17 which will be tomorrow for most people  reading.  February 17th is my mothers birthday, also the day my dad died ...it's still hard to grasp, especially when I had to see someone today, to start my new job. Let's just say, it all worked out....I don't like doctor's, I lost my doctor dad today Throughout the night, I had some great girl talk...especially Susan...we stayed up way too late!

...happy is

I stole that opening from my sister's blog title. Happy is...finding out I got a job offer today as I sat at in a salon, all foiled up, while waiting to get back to that natural color:) I start on Monday. My last phone call was from my mother in-law, very happy for me and very happy for Ben's 5min. solo he performed tonight.

Our conversation always ends with her choking up, crying.

I'm a giddy girl..walking on sunshine! I cannot wait to meet the students and to learn from my new mentors.

Thank-you buddy for getting my letter and making it happen, Happy Valentines Day...your least favorite holiday of the year. Since you were in advertising, you always believed it was a commercial Hallmark holiday. Today, I fooled you because I get to be surrounded by some of the best people in the world, the one's who have carried me day to day. Happy Valentine's to me:)

...the longest day

Dear Jack

Today, I had my first job interview. I needed your guidance, your ommnipresent being, cuz you were the best, you reassuring me about my atttributes and helped me believe in myself. Did you send Amy to appear before my interview?  She calmed me down, and made me laugh, made the sweat from my brow dissapate.
We celebrated your Mom's birthday yesterday, the whole family was there, except for Sam and Jack.

I speak openly about you to them, they're having a really hard time. Don't get me wrong, Ben and I suffer, but we are surrounded by you, and our memories. They make us both happy. Ben had the worst gas last night, I was getting frustrated with him, and all he could do was laugh..he asked me if they compared to your's...in my head I thought no chance, you were the master. I will keep you posted about the job. If it doesn't happen, I will be fine, I will still pursue this new path. Thank-you for always believing in me. WE miss you.

...that song

I've always loved that song, it seems to have much more meaning now. Ben and I celebrated Jack's moms birthday today...there's always that one tough moment with them that floods my memory bank...makes my knees weak.

Whitney Houston - I Have Nothing (Lyrics)

...it's show time

I've got this job interview on Monday and I'm scared out of my wits. Totally different industry, I'm scared shitless. I haven't had an interview in 30 some years, times have changed, so I'm a little stressed. I need to pull a resume and cover letter out of my arse in 3 days...and figure out how to do it:)...I'm speaking computer skills only...damn I'm old.

...transition

Transition sucks. You know you need to emerge, just as a caterpilar needs to. It's that threshold between two places, where you need to take off, just like a butterfly, but you are so comfortable in the cocoon.

I do like butterflies, I'm on the verge.

Jack still pisses me off. My tears have dried up, okay I'm lying. I just watched a cd from his service and tears silently fell down my cheeks.

We can live life, or wallow in the past. 10 months into my new life, I choose to live, bring it on.

I belive everyone is capable of greatness, however one ranks that huge term. Greatness, to me, is so simple, making my son smile...making someone happy...helping a stranger, or talking to anyone without bias, only referring to a few homeless folks I met..and chose to talk to. They are people,and have merit.

Transition, is new, and I may not be out of the cocoon, but I'm on my way.

...out on a limb

I applied for a job today, that I'm completely not qualified for. I could learn on the job, but on the surface....that's another story. There was no question on strong work ethic, one of my true assets. Que Sera Sera, whatever will be, will be.