...just taking a pause

...

...that's what friends are for

I cannot even describe what friendship means to me. It's funny, when Jack was alive, they all slipped,much to my chagrin. My re-kindled friends, from high school, and my sorority, plus the one's I've known since Ben was 5...and my new one's,have been my life support. Thank-you all.

Ben asked me tonight what I was going to do tomorrow, I said trim the tree...he said , mom go to Adel and transfer the titles on the cars.

He looks after me so much, yet, it's my job to get his stuff in the car every morning for school..hmm.

...no words

...except gratitude. That pretty much sums up anyone's existence who is struggling...just keep on keeping, and be thankful for your people. I passed a major double whammy, Thanksgiving and Jack's birthday. I survived, with my friend's support and random phone calls I made.My family is just used to me by now. I believe we all have inner strength, that may only show itself in our darkest times. We need to be kind to ourselves, so we can help serve other friends. My palette, is in motion, yet, I have a strong urge to reach out to my friends, who may need my help.

...smooth sailing

We survived the last two days.  After Ben went to sleep, I played Elvis Costello songs and smiled about my time with Jack. How lucky was I to have him as mine...how lucky was Ben to have him as his father.

...blessed Thanksgiving

Even though I've experienced so much loss and grief these last 7months...and I struggle, I'm still thankful. I can't even describe the outpouring of love, support and hope I've recieved. This will be a toughie, at Jack's parents house for the holiday, but, I've got God's love to keep me strong, plus all my people!

I tucked Ben into bed tonight, and told him we would buy 1 piece of Jack's favorite cake, carrot, for Jack's birthday on the day after Thanksgiving. He smiled at me, as he rolled over to fall asleep.

I love that boy so much...it makes me ache to put myself in his situation...he does love mashed potatoes though:) Everyone who tunes in, love your people, break bread, and give thanks for what you have.

...baby steps

A baby's first steps are so joyful, yet worrisome, you smile,laugh and aso want to protect...sometimes frustrating for a pre-toddler. Hazel, is now walking. It makes me smile. I'm still tripping and falling, only cuz the new shoes I've been given, don't fit. Jack's birthday is the day after Thanksgiving..how ironic is that. I give thanks everyday, yet, I will be learning how to walk again...after that 1st milestone. Baby steps. No worries, it's part of the insoles of my new shoes:)...they just hurt.

...holy crap

I'm finally back on, small miracle. Ben has a habit of re-changing passwords lately. I'm not mad, cuz I have the upper hand right now.

I feel like I'm still on my Dionne Warwick merry-go-round...gotta get off.., gonna get off.

When?

..and wondering why.

...I posted this song on facebook

Sorry for the repost on a song, I love this song so much. I have follower's who are not on facebook so for some, a repeat. I have learned the culprit on all my passwords being changed...boys, wanting to post basketball shots from Ben's flip camera. All my accounts were reset, just getting into the gist of it all after this post.

I will not be mad at him tomorrow, he was only trying to post a video of basketball shots...a heads up on account changes would have been appreciated, especially because I had no idea we had a basketball game this afternoon.

Life is good though...kinda. In Ben's busy day at home, he took the time to snuggle with me. At one point he said, "mom, did you know a baby thrives more, snuggled up listening to it's mom's heartbeat. I smiled to myself, cuz he was already there, professing something as we were snuggling. No way in chance was I gonna call him out on that one:)

Theme from "Valley of the Dolls" by Dionne Warwick {lyrics}

...nothing major

...except for the fact that I've been on the phone with AOL for the last hour, wondering why my account was cancelled after I logged on. Getting past the computerized voice to speak with a human probably took the longest. I'm putting blame on my son, changing passwords to put trick basketball plays on You-Tube...just a hunch.

I mentioned on FB that Ben's guidance counselor called me today. Tonight, I asked him about his dad. He told me he blocks it out...not a good sign, I'm probably in the same boat.

To steal a part of Adele's song, "Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead."

...day is done

Ben is 11, I'm wiped out...and it's been 7months, all in one day.

...if I could put time in a bottle

...the first thing that I'd like to do...is slow down time. My baby will be turning 11.

Since Jack's death, I've lost some weight, not on purpose.

My sister Debbie, called me yesterday, about her health...it sucks getting old. She got a trifecta, plus one.
After she vented , I listened, gave her my "i should have been a doctor advice", she asked me how I was feeling health wise. I told her fine...she droned on and on how lucky I was for that.  I freaked out and said don't say that, cuz you are jinxing me. I've been paranoid since.

I've somehow lost my cheap Timex watch. It was so old. It's not like I ever ran a marathon. It was perfect for my line of work. It has probably slipped off my wrist, somewhere in my house, dang it Deb, work me through this one.

I still wish I could bottle up my little buddy, and keep him tiny....bottom line, he is an awesome boy. Time goes by so fast..I want to slow it down, what a perfect gift that would be.

I will find my watch...for tonight, it was perfect, not keeping time.

...getting updates on the computer sucks

I up loaded some new computer updates. I found myself having to  re-enter new passwords, etc. It has been a hassle.. only for me to say, get your ass back home Jack, that was your department. I just bought Ben a major gift for his birthday and where were you for the open discussion?