...fall is a'coming

I wasn't going to blog this evening. Aside from Ben's stuff...the good, bad and ugly, I discovered a new friend...and was reminded of the beauty of nature. How peaceful is that. Take time, to discover the changing colors and let it bring you back to a carefree, innocent time in your life...they were the best of times.

...Ben completes me

I mentioned something to Ben tonight, as he was getting ready to jump into the shower. A friend of mine, recently started dating, after almost 2yrs  from losing his wife. I told Ben about it, so it wouldn't be a shock to him. He turned around from adjusting the water temperature, and asked me if I were ever going to get remarried. I said, probably not, you're all I can handle. He just grinned at me, with that killer smile.

...it is the laughter

I miss the laughter.

Barbara Streisand - The Way We Were (Lyrics)

...I need to switch hats

There's nothing like a road trip on a Sunday, not. although in my college days...no problem:) .I have no idea why I thought I would be productive today.  I felt it, I knew Ben felt it as well, when he got home from football practice. We were just owlish with each other.

I've got major crap to deal with. I seem to be able to focus on Ben's needs, not my pressing details.
I've got to finish off with info for the accountant, before my extension is up. I have attorney stuff to deal with, as well.

My problem is, I'm sustaining my boy...but I keep forgetting to put on the other hat, Jack's hat, the one that needs major attention, to run a complete household. I'm both parents..and I feel like I'm failing, although, the mother in me is on task...he is loved.

Some people look great in hats, not me...they look awkward on my head/ I should probably get used to it.

...silver lining's

Today, was a road trip. The plan was to leave at 6:30 am, drive to Minneapolis to see the Viking's play Detroit. Ben was so psyched. We had 4 tickets, so he invited two friends. I overslept by an hour, but it all worked out. I padded the time for unexpectancies...didn't think I'd use it before the trip began.

I had a hollow feeling about this trip, memories of the three of us, taking Ben to his first Twin's game. I knew Jack wanted to take Ben to his first Viking's game, and I wasn't feeling the best about it...but then I get 2 extra boys. Any hollowness I felt, was replaced with laughter, singing at the top of our lungs, and backseat boy craziness. There wasn't one glitch driving to The Mall of America, picking up the light rail, which took us right in front of the Metrodome. I panicked slightly, getting back on the routes that take you to I-35 S. Ben had drained most of my battery playing games from my phone. I couldn't call anyone, especially all my relatives who live in the area. Finally, realizing, I'm in charge, I just had to believe in myself.  For one split second, I panicked, until I saw the Albert Lea ramp entrance...I knew it was smooth sailing for the next 4hours. I could once again, get back into the frivolity that took place in my Honda:) 

Jack, if you're watching over us, the Vikings lost, but your boy had the best day ever...so did I.

...mornings are made for songbirds

I've tried to blog in the morning, I sit at the blank screen, drinking my de-caf coffee...and I got nothing. I'm just not a morning person, never have been. That's one of my qualities that Jack never fully grasped. He was always so happy in the morning...I couldn't give it back, until 15 minutes of wake-up time. My family gets it, he never did. Then Ben was born with the same morning disposition. Ben and I wouldn't say a word to each other. He would crawl into my lap and I would just hold him, no words ever spoken, until enough time passed and my tickle hands came out. Jack always thought Ben was mad at him...he just didn't get the first thing out of bed ritual.

My ritual is a nighttime blog, I can't change that either.

Today, I had two references mentioned to me about Jack, one in person, the other on the phone. It kinda throws you for a loop, or a fist shoved into your stomach. I fessed up to only one. What am I so afraid of? Afraid to say he died, afraid to take accountability for my new life, or maybe just afraid to try.

...changes

Last night, I went to bed early. I woke up charged, gotta alot of deep cleaning done. It may not be on the top of the priority list...but at least I moved. I also felt better... my Eason buddy's were probably the catalyst.  Tonight, my early bedtime was tharted, by an old college friend, the best of the best:)

Today, Jack only came into my mind about 15 times, maybe more.

I am going to heed Pam's advice . I will begin to post in the morning...since it's 1:25am right now, it may wait for a day.

I am so tempted to add David Bowie's song, "Changes"....but I will use some restraint...maybe that's my problem... I'm restrained from moving forward.

...i can't blog

I can't blog tonight. I can't blog because Ben let me lie in bed this morning, to gather my thoughts, after he had already gotten up.  I can't blog tonight because I made chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast and made someone very happy. I can't blog tonight as I watched Ben and Charlie mow my lawn., then watch Charlie's dad aerate. I can't blog tonight because I watched Ben's football team win in overtime, or blog about life's other daily joys I was a part of.

At this point, I can't blog, because I watched a rerun of Grey's Anatomy. George O'Malley had just died, Bailey wouldn't consent to any organ donations unless she knew who the recepients were. It was so sad...therefore, I can't blog tonight, because Jack didn't get that option...he wasn't viable. He had the most beautiful eyes.

...friggin allergies

Ragweed has gotten me down all week. I stocked up with a new arsenal of over the counter meds today. I also stepped foot into Ben's school for the first time this week. It was great to see my gal pals, they make me laugh. Maybe, that's what has been wrong with this whole week, I needed their energy!!

Today, I was productive. Spent most of it on the phone. I made appointments, changed all my beneficiaries on my assets and shingled my roof.  Okay, one of those was a lie:)...try to guess. I also filed tons of paperwork, discarded tons and felt good about this dreary day. Tonight, I had my neighbor come over to turn on our faux fireplace. Jack turned it off over a year ago, even though Ben and I loved it. We watched my college team play football tonight, with pizza, freshly made brownies, a faux fire and Ben's good friend. It felt cozy. It also helped having a new pair of slippers from red envelope. My beautiful cousin, inside and out thought my feet needed some pampering. These slippers are the bomb!! I think Ben and I will soon be starting a timer, for sharing purposes. Thanks Ang:)

Tomorrow morning, I just want to sleep in, try to get 7hrs...I wish

..time to set an alarm clock, no pun intended

I big time overslept this morning. I got a wake-up text from a dear friend, but I chose to give myself  a little more time. Early fall weather arrived...all I wanted was 15 more minutes. I fell asleep hard. I think it scared Ben. After Ben riled me at 8:15, with only 15minutes to get to school, all hell broke lose. I recieved some great school support this morning. Ben had a questionaire to fill out for the student council, all my fault. Besides, oversleeping, I had the form buried with a bunch of paperwork. I called his guidance counselor, to tip her off, his teacher had the acumen, that something was off. He got it turned in today, thanks to my great support team at Eason...I just continue to rack up points for Mother of the Year:)

My sister Pam, has often told me, that I should blog during the day...that doesn't work for me. Obviously, I do not shine well in the morning.

There is something about the night. Ben is cozy asleep, which gives me solitude. At this hour, I'm alone. All the demons, haunting my soul come out. I feel free to be honest, bare and unguarded. This is why the night works for me...I just need to figure out the mornings.

...it's all about family and friends

My mom gave me advice, right after Jack died, to not make any big decisions until after a year. I heed her words, only because she has walked the same walk. Last night, we spoke about a burial  time for Jack's remains, which are kept in a vault. I keep a smaller sealed container in my dining room hutch, for Ben & I to have closure. I don't understand what the rush is...I want to be lucid. I barely remember his service.

We spoke about Memorial Day week-end, she would be in town. I thought that was perfect.

I also spoke with my mother-in-law this evening. I love her so much...and I get her grief. When I told her about Jack's burial, she almost snapped at me...why are you waiting so long. I told her as hard as it is to lose a son, I lost my husband and the father of my son.We both cried, but she said she would support my decison. I need more business closure before that time...our tax extension is almost due...a bit preoccupied, trying to survive.

I may accidentally repost things..not on purpose.

My friend, Diana, has taken alot of my thank-you notes back to Chicago with her...writing them for me.
My sis, Pam. came up with a perfect template. I think I posted this once before...but it should be said again, because of the beauty of my people..friends and family.

"Sun follows rain, strenght follows pain, we will find a way."
Love, Barb and Ben

...these boots are made for walking...

I didn't post a blog, by choice, the last couple nights. The Iowa/ISU game zapped me out...especially since I found out my home was the given meeting place. I pulled it together and had a wonderful party..unless you were a Hawkeye fan. I was still hand washing all dishes. My repairman, for my dishwasher, came today. Prior to that, I recieved an 888 number that I had to answer, only cuz he was going to call in that 4hr window you get, when you need service. This call came from my phone service, wanting to talk about Jordison Writing Services and all the new business options that were now available.

If anyone recalls, I fought with my phone service months ago, cuz our home phone number was actually Jack's business line. I think I made this salesman crap his pants. I told him there is no more Jordison Writing Services, because he had died. Then I told him I've been trying to close the account for the last 5 months, and you won't let me, until the new directory will be updated. I kinda blew a gasket...he wanted off that call so bad:) Touche, telemarketers...don't mess with a newly 50yr old!! Tomorrow I alternate 2 cars getting service...be afraid Honda!

...let freedom reign

I went to our high school football game tonight. Before, the national anthem, there was a 9/11 tribute...on video. Relived that moment..when I saw it unfold, before Ben turned 1. The three of us were in the master bedroom getting ready for work. Ben was in his bouncy seat, while Jack and I took turns using the mirror...shaving, make-up etc. I saw it first and told Jack to get to the TV, we were confused. At first, Jack thought it was only a small private plane that made a wrong turn...then it became our reality.

During the video this evening, they played the song, "God Love the USA", at that moment, the band was starting to take the field, and all the youth football teams were lined up, ready to run the field and make the tunnel for the high school team. I quit watching the video and concentrated on our future, running to get into position...as the song kept playing. I will admit, it was emotional. I watched #3 the whole time.

Diana left town today and asked me if I were going to be okay. I reassured her that I would, although I think I had crossed my fingers as I said it. Good friends are like precious stones..so much beauty and you don't want to lose them.

As we approach the 10yr anniversary...hug your loved ones..but don't forget about your friends, cuz everyone has a story and we all need each other. Go Cyclones!!

...no words

....feeling a little melancholy this evening, all good:) Maybe, a bit reminiscent of people, places and things. I'm feeling a Debbie blog coming on soon. I saw her this evening...she makes me smile.

...birthday wishes for my little sister

...yes, I've changed the clock on this blog. I usually write at any given hour in the night and pretend it's still the night before. But, on this September 8th, my baby sister was born....5yrs younger, but still my partner in crime. Happy Happy to you and yours Pam:) Have a stellar day!

Diana, showed up on time this morning, but she threw me a curve ball...we didn't purge, she made me make avoided phone calls. The first call went off without a hitch, until I brought up our homeowner's insurance. If anyone remembers an earlier blog, I questioned whether I paid my property taxes or if my escrow did. 5 flip flop calls later to the County Treasurer's office and my mortgage company, my taxes come out of the escrow account. I paid them..over 2500 hundred. I just want my money back...that will take some time. I'm learning the hard way...just want to protect Ben.

Ben had his 1st football game this evening, out of town. We lost. I watched a father and son walking together to their car.I listened as the dad was giving advice to his son and talking about different plays....at that moment, I felt sad for Ben. I could compliment him on his tackles,blocks and 1st downs that he made...other than that, clueless.  Don't get me wrong, he was plowed down alot as well, the after shower back massage that I gave him, hit new spots of pain:)  Although, I have a total jammed finger from playing catch with him. It has now turned reddish purple and I can't even try to pry off Jack's wedding ring that I've been wearing on my right hand, since the first few days...of  then.

...everyone needs a little Di

. My friend Diana, came into town today, we've already filled up her SUV with Goodwill donations. She makes purging items so simple, kinda:) Tomorrow, we will be back at it. We had many laughs this evening. How lucky do I feel, to be able to call her my friend.

...I'm home

It's always a great time being at my mom's home, she makes it fun. I felt out of sorts a couple of times. This was my first visit back. Yes.. a first, that made me give pause.  Ben and I always went to my mom's right after school..he couldn't wait to get there. My vow to Jack was to always call...to let him know we made it okay. Jack always came later in the night or the next morning.

Out of habit, we got unloaded and I'm sitting in the bedroom where we always stay... at the edge of the bed, with my cell phone in hand, I almost called him, to tell him we were safe.

I am safe...I have my family and my dear friends. It was tough celebrating my birthday without Jack being there. He was just part of the family dichotomy, I felt less complete at dinner last night. My mom gave me two birthday cards last night...one was all fun about being my age...the other was to a daughter. She inscribed, "I am so proud of you, Barb. You're doing a great job"....flood gates opened.

...note to self... rely on your people and your family,  cuz they are the best medicine ever.

The part of Jack's death is macabre to me, it haunts me. This week-end Jack was missed, especially watching activities he would have been a part of. I do miss him on a daily basis.Thank God this was a trial run for Christmas..maybe I won't cry in my eggnog:)

Ben just jammed my right hand ring finger playing football this evening, thowing a hard bomb...it's tough being a dad...I also broke my fingernail:)

...going home

Tomorrow, Ben and myself, along with my nieces, Elie and Katy are driving westward to Lincoln Ne.  It may not be my home from growing up...but anywhere my mom is, it's home to me. We talk daily, always between 6 and 6:30 everynight, it's become a habit for me. Herb always knows it will be me on the phone.

Although we never solve the world's problems, we sure have fun trying.

Our trip will be ended earlier than I thought on Labor Day, we have been scheduled a football practice. Ben found out this evening his position will be a wingback...what in the heck does that even mean?  Ben's friend tried to simplify it for me by equating it to Vikings players..that helped. He will play Percy Harvin's position:)

Jack taught me a lot (that's for you Janna), about football, but the weird names of the positions kinda leave me clueless.

I always remind myself, on a daily basis, that everyone has a story, current stories that wrench my soul. I had my story, I'm now in survival mode..okay I lied. I'm dancing as fast as I can to hang in there.

To my friends with issues lets's dance together...this too shall pass. I can't wait to actually believe that. I now need to Google the origin of that saying, it's always been one of my favorites. Peace to all.

If I'm not on until the holiday is over, Happy Labor Day!