...seriously, what's the significance of a year

...I'm not quite sure. My year is coming up, will I maintain my composure. I pray that I can. I'm not anxious at all, I relive finding Jack every morning of my life...and Ben's job in helping me find him.  I couldn't be there for Ben as he was crying in the hallway. I was with Jack and 911. It's painful, why will Friday change anything.

...puppy dog tails

...that's what boys are made of. Interesting day of events...I'm sure Jack is the catalyst.

...miss marianne

"All day, all night miss marianne, down by the seashore sifting sand, all the little children love marianne...you too will love her miss marianne."

I loved that song in grade school soo much, I sang it all the time, wanting to know miss marianne.

I did get to meet a Marianne, my first true roomie  from college.How lucky was I. We spoke this evening and it's like we never left off..she's much younger than myself, but still a guiding force and true friend.

Hang onto friendships, they're the best backup plan anyone could ask for, especially when needed.

...spring break is over

Isn't it funny how a spring break is the get-all for a kid. Now that I'm in the school district, I get it. School starts tomorrow. In the past, I used to laugh out loud to Ben's teacher's, saying he's all yours..I should have been more sympathetic, or at least empathetic cuz I'll be right there with them.

As I was unpacking things from the weekend I discovered, or uncovered something new in this treasure trove of a house I live in...just in processing mode. I thought I knew everything by now. Maybe a year isn't enough time to be okay...

It's spring and I've got to keep the blinds open.

...I just plain checked out

...I shall write now. 9 months after Ben was born, I started experiencing dizzy moments. They were very frightful. I went to the doctor, had tests, getting treated for high blood pressure...hence, no siblings. Ever since then, I've had a doctor phobia. In my current mind, I want to protect Ben from my own pain of losing my father and to the current pain he hasn't shared with me about losing his dad. Please, don't think this is wacky, I get I should do everything possible for my health...because of Ben. It's his fear, if something comes up, that scares me the most...makes me cancel appointments.

I just  love him too much, to scare him. I know it's the wrong attitude.

I go to the doctor on Wednesday...God give me strength not to cancel.

...innocence lost

Ben has been going through Human Growth and Development...good times. Actually, it hasn't been that bad, compared to my upbringing school information. He arrives home everynight with a questionairre, to ask me questions about my feelings when I was growing up. Perfect ice breaker for any questions that may follow. I don't let it be awkward, only comfortable...with some humor thrown in the mix. Tomorrow, he learns the end of the the tale...good times, maybe not, I just want to bottle his age and protect him. 

South Pacific - Happy Talk ( Original Movie)

...life is like a jigsaw puzzle

...no one knows where the pieces will fit in, or when.

I had a cross to bear today. Ben bridged over from being a cub scout into a boy scout. During that ceremony, Neil, my knight in shining armor with my boy, had to pay his last respects to his father. During Ben's event my mind wandered over to Neil's event. Then I thought about Jack. Neil's dad, Keith, helped mold Jack into his true being when he was a young boy. This would have been the toughest choice for Jack to make. Watch Ben cross over, or pay his respects to a wonderful man. I'm truly glad he didn't have to decide, because in my mind he was there for both of them. It would have caused him too much angst.

My 500 piece puzzle I'm working on will take a long time to finish..but every once in a while I feel like I can add another piece...then tap on that piece, cuz I did it.

...little boy blue

...come blow your horn. The sheep's in the meadow the cows in the corn. Where is the boy, who looks after the sheep...he's under a haystack fast asleep. I used to sing that song to Ben every night during bedtime,after stories.

My little boy blue is growing up, I want to slow the wheels down.

This afternoon, I had my last conference at grade school. I also learned Ben began his Human Reproduction course. Next week, he graduates from the Dare program, which teaches kids about the ill effects of drinking,smoking and using drugs. Ben had to write his Dare essay this evening and to make a promise.

I'm not ready for this crap, he's still my little boy blue, who's asleep right now. His youth is flooding into my memory bank, tears are forming in my eyes as I type this...God give me strength.

...adjustment

My whole existence circulates around that word. Small advice from my little sister Pam, you need to be in bed by 10. I agree with her, yet, I've just hit funk mode. In one month it's a year, I'm still not healed. Ben has his people who help me, God love them:) I should be in bed right now, yet I keep reminiscing about the past. In the darkest hours of the night, I digress in my head..please adjust.

...the wordsmith

I'm thinking, Ben may have inherited some of Jack's writing skills. He has an independent writing paper due tomorrow, I keep reading it over and over. Granted, there are mistakes and I would have told him different ways to use his dialogue...but this was his tale and it all made sense in the end. As an 11yr old, I thought he showed writing skills..that will develop with age.Jack would be so proud:)

Jack, had always wanted to write a novel, many perhaps....life kept getting in the way. We were both set to move to Iowa City, so he could pursue a teaching degree in writing...so he could get into The Iowa Writers Workshop. That dream was never fulfilled. Our apartment never got finished being built. Jack, would commute between Des Moines and spending the night with his aunt and uncle. After months of that, his appendix decided to play havoc on that goal. We moved in with Pam and Andy...then he sold his soul, to make a living.

I love Ben's paper, it could be cleaned up, but his heart was in it, so I let it be. 

I guess the fruit doesn't fall to far from the tree.