...gotta get out from the dust

I say that metaphorically,yet truthfully as well. My head keeps going back to the Dionne Warwick song from  "Valley of the Dolls"...gotta get off, gonna get off from this merry-go-round. I'm doing well. I have my people I call, who give me strenght...make me laugh.

I'm a little worried about Ben and myself. We are so reliant on each other..I'm worried about his growth. I don't want him to worry about me so much, or question every move I make. I've been trying to leave the house on the week-end for an errand, to get him acclimated in the house alone...granted on my outings, I usually drive around the neighborhood a couple of times. He hates it when I leave...but when I get home after 5 minutes, he could care less, cuz he was already busy with a show on TV, before I left.

...now back to the dust...

Return to Pooh Corner- Lyrics

...out of left field

I listened to old messages on my answering machine tonight. One message came from an old neighbor, whom I haven't spoken with for about 5yrs...he only lives 5minutes away.  The message was actually for Jack, he wanted to talk to him about a writing project. My knees buckled and my chest sank, as I listened. I couldn't call him back. I ended up calling a good friend from the old hood, and she made the call for me. He was devasted and felt like a fool. No judgment on my part, I'm sure it will happen again.

Ben has been focused on ice skating as of late. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy our new passion just as much. Tonight, in bed, I told him baseball tryouts were coming up...and maybe we should focus on that. His receptiveness was about as chilly, as the arena we skate on. Baseball, Jack and Ben went hand in hand...they were a team...my Christopher Robin and Pooh.

...finding purpose

I think my upcoming goal of Live Healthy Iowa, The 100 day challenge, will finally get me out of my funk. It will give me a purpose...granted, Ben is my purpose...but I can give him so much more.

10 months of nothingness, only missing, reminiscing, and surviving have not let us grown. I need to grow first..starting Monday, I have a purpose now. I need to heal.

...waiting for my amaryliss to bloom

It's been hard to blog, I'm pretty numb right now, except for Ben. I still have my faux Christmas tree up, still finishing up with last year details of finances and retirement plans, and now getting a barrage of tax crap.

I thank God everyday for the friends I speak to. They lighten my load.

Ben started to build an ice rink in our backyard tonight, the whole form was banked up with snow. I told him it was going to melt some tomorrow and he had no water source to ice the rink down. I'm smart enough to know that outdoor plumbing in cold weather doesn't mix. He's in a pause mode, to come up with Plan B.
Maybe I need a Plan B as well, although I want that damn flower to bloom:)

...i'm just broken

I have a garage door opener and a garage broken, a friend who died, who would have been turning 40 today. I love Erica.

I also love Ben's teacher, I called her this evening to get him going on the funkiest math theories I have ever seen. She is so kind, she can get him in the groove...nothing Jack and myself would ever grasp.(it is all about our age..too old)

How can someone 10yrs younger than myself, give someone such insight,inspiration and advice, when I had no idea she was dying...I miss her. Happy 40th Birthday Erica..you truly are one of the best people I have ever met. We learned through Little League, when our boys played together.  Erica and myself had lived in the same sorority house in Ames, which gave us an extra connection. Very special...how do I let go of that? Give me a signal, so I can do the same with Jack.

...it's now winter

I have now entered into the last season, before a year approaches. To be quite honest, I have no clue about the last year, thus far. It still feels like yesterday. I do know I have laughed and I have cried...the journey has barely left port. I will eventually embark, it's time.

Avril Lavigne - Wish You Were Here (Lyrics on Screen) NEW FULL SONG

...broken promises

I made a hefty goal of blogging everyday for a year. Bottom line, life gets in the way, not the best laid plans. I tried.

Jack still weighs heavy on my heart, the flipside is, Ben and  I have grown so close. I'm not sure if I'm helping him or hindering him.

I use Jack's name loosely in our household, to give my boy some perspective.. the same message I would have given Ben. It just sounds better, coming from his dad.

...I'm just old fashioned

I really don't mind getting a text message. For me to respond to one, is hard...especially if it deals with more than one sentence. I like the voice of a person, they make me smile...I also feel like I had a interpersonal experiance with someone, other than with my fingers. I can be a cornupopia of thoughts, that no text would ever pick up on. Sorry, friends and family, it's for your own good:)

I had the best conversation with a teacher tonight...who knew she snowmobiled growing up, just as I did, how great is that!

..don't dismiss the young ones

Tonight, I had a mind blowing experience on FB. 4yrs ago we moved into our current home, the irony is Ben rode a day care bus with a boy, Ben's age, who lived down the street. Once the realization hit in, I find out the mother was in the same sorority at Iowa State with myself. She died two years ago at a very young age, it tore through my core. Erica was very funny, yet deep in thought and meaning. Her son posted tonight some of her favorite quotes on fb...it touched my soul. Was it her way of talking to me?

"Someday everything will all make perfect sense, so for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason."

"Every story has an end, but in life, every end is just a new beginning."

"Everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end." 

God Bless you Erica, for your words, and God Bless Ryan for being your instrument. It was perfect my friend:)

...friends and family

I am so blessed to have the best family ever, not just my immediate, but everyone in mi familia. We have such a bond, that is uncharacteristic, yet so close. I am also blessed to know some fantastic friends. This group of people I am truly blessed to know, cuz you carry me every single day, how lucky am I.