...so much time, so little to do...(Willy Wonka).

My days flow together, like a brook joining a larger stream. For awhile today, I forgot  what day of the week it was. I now will have 5days to become tactical...get alot of stuff done before Ben and I go on vacation. Wish me luck.

I was awakened  this morning with Ben and his trombone...all notes off, but he played the Darth Vadar theme music..it cracked me up. My mom suggested him bringing it on vacation because so many of my family members played the trombone...in my mind, hell no. Ben is too meticulous with  his new toy. He treats it better than this toothbrush:)...then again, who knows if he will part with it for 8days.

...seventy-six trombones

I made the huge mistake of telling Ben to wake me up tomorrow with his trombone...that was the bribe to get him into the shower, he bit. He came downstairs afterwards and crashed immediately. I didn't have the heart to wake him..he's out. My conumdrun is whether to sleep down stairs with him...cuz that's what Mom's do, or go up , either way the trombone will be in my ear.

I have had this bad habit of staying up too late at night. Since Ben was at an overnighter I needed a wake up call, I knew there was no way I would wake up at 8am to pick him up at 9. I called on Debbie and my friend Wendy. I needed the back-up plan. After 5hrs of sleep Wendy called first...painful, I'm not a morning person. I was falling back asleep, then Debbie called. Timing was perfect. I don't know why, but I came downstairs and layed on the couch. For some reason my brain relived the moment I found Jack and what I needed Ben to do...it haunts me. Tomorrow I will be serenaded with the trombone...as painful as it will be to listen to, it will be music to my ears.

The Music Man "Seventy-Six Trombones" (finale) + lyrics link

...tonight was a failure

I had every opportunity to have the most productive night...it didn't happen. I ended up depleting my cell phone battery and watching a 2hr Dateline. I'm like a term paper..need a little more pressure to kick in the juices. I really should have taken advantage of Ben being at an overnight b-day party....the quiet just felt too good.

...ride on this week Jack..and have fun

Today wasn't productive, but I laughed..alot! I also got to see my niece Ashley and her daughter Hazel, who just arrived from Japan. Why is it harder to see my other niece Kiley, her husband Erch and their baby Grayson, who only live in Windsor Heights?  Probably because they both work. Ki is going to be a doctor. Her new rotation has been with eyes. She had to spend time with a stick and made a cake blindfolded this past week-end. I'm sure it what good. I got a text from Erich today, he may take Ben to the driving range:)

I also spoke with Neil...he is taking Ben fishing on Tuesday. Thanks guy's for hanging out with the funniest 10yr old I know.

It's Ragbrai this week, I've heard from friends on the bike ride, thinking about Jack, I've also heard from friends who ironically met other people...the common denominator...Jack. That boy who did his first Ragbrai with Neil is still riding it, with many people this week...he's looking out for his buddies.

...i got nothing..or do I?

....so that's what nothing looks like, it's pure white space, but at least it looks clean.

Okay, I lied. I've got stuff, it's all messy. I leave in almost a week for a family reunion at a resort in Minnesota. My immediate family will be there the whole week, other relatives will trickle in as their schedules permit. I told Ben I think I've gotta find some day-care for him. I just can't monitor 5+boys in my house.

Ben starts school three days after we get home. Till we leave I need to register him for school, after I figure out how to get his report card. Meet with my lawyer, close three bank accounts, write thank-you notes, see my accountant, since I filed an extension, change all my beneficiaries and bake some bread:) Okay, that was just for fun. The heat in Iowa has kept everyone inside..now I need to be alone. As much as I love Ben, he needs to be away next week.

...100 posts

What have I exactly done to reach 100 posts? I'll get back to you on that...treading water on a daily basis seems like the soup de jour...at least I know how to swim.

...eating crow

It was a long day..go-kart finished, except for wheels etc. They started painting this evening. I was upset with Ben twice today. We have other neighborhood kids who are making a go-kart. Ben and crew went over to check their's out. At some point, Ben picked up his friend and tossed him into the other boys go-kart. A piece of wood split and broke. I witnessed most of it. It upset the boy so much he went inside bawling. I went over and yelled  at Ben. I told Ben's crew to fix it. They found a piece of replacement wood and brought it over. Longer story short, it will be fine.

Jack, was hired to write a book for a huge insurance company in West Des Moines. The project lasted over a year. Tonight, Ben fabricated a story about his dad that set me off again.  Ben told his friend he overheard Jack in his office reading an e-mail, about a book revision. Jack slammed his fist on his desk and started cursing. Since Jack picked Ben up I didn't know how to react, it sounded nothing like Jack... all I know was Ben's friend laughed.

After Ben's shower, he told me he made that story up, because he thought it sounded funny. I told Ben there is nothing funny about the story...then went on to tell him to never disrespect his father again that way, I said he was a professional. Ben ate crow twice today...somehow I've got to teach him to keep me out of the kitchen...so I won't have to make him eat it again.

...from golf courses to go-karts

Wow, how a boy's desire changes courses. Most of the day was in Jack's workshop. The boy's started making a go-kart. Our neighbor had alot of left over wood from his deck extension. The boy's sawed,drilled and made a chassis. They spent 6+hrs spent total in the basement, they. Don't get me wrong I was down all the time and Ben kept saying," Mom why are you down here again".

The tricky part will begin after tomorrow. I've asked the boy's how are you going to build an axle? They keep saying, oh, we're only making a box-car. There is no way I will let that happen. They want immediate gratification, without a blue print.

I was reminded of Neil's eulogy during my lecture to the boys. He spoke about all of Jack's passions. "If Jack was going to do it, it was going to be done correctly, it was going to be done well, and it was going to be done completely".

I've got to make sure it's safe, there's no way they will go kamikaze down a hill. At the end of the evening, they called me down. Ben and crew had totally cleaned Jack's workshop...it's cleaner than Jack left it. That made me smile, Jack always instilled in Ben to take care of his belongings...it must have rubbed off.

I've got neighbor boys arriving at 9am...ouch.

...the best laid plans

My sissies, Debbie and Pam were going to come over tonight. They both had very busy days with two different swim meets. One as a coach, the other watching a child swim, while organizing the donations to have a concession stand and running it for a three day meet. Things ran late for everyone. Pam and Andy arrived first with hungry children. We ordered take-out that would be ready at 7:30. They wanted to have an early evening, their daughter Elie has to be back in the pool at 9am.  I wanted to see Debbie so bad, but it didn't work out. They wouldn't have gotten to my house until 9pm, without having dinner yet. Ben was crashed in bed at 10, he stayed up until 2am last night at his birthday party. His mood all day told me he wasn't lying.

I wish things could have worked out better. I may not have the busiest nights, socially, or the most productive days...but I do know I need to get Ben showered and in bed at a decent hour.

...team work

Even though it's after midnight, I'm writing this as if it were still Friday.

Ben, finished up Bible camp..an amazing experience for him, me as well.

The day progressed with heat and boredom, Ben and I went down to the basement to find Jack's "uber" ping pong paddle he bought in high school. For anyone who has been in my basement, no easy feat. We eventually found it in the box of all his baseball gloves from his Little League days. Ben thought the paddle was way too cool. We cleared off the kitchen table and started playing...table too short. After a few minutes, he concocted an idea of using a net from a smaller game system he owns setting it up with magnets to hold up the net. I then cleared off my kitchen island. His friends came over and they played. I've got pages of their tournaments taped to my fridge. When they took a break, I drove them to Dairy Queen for a treat. I ran into a friend who was picking up an ice-cream cake for her son's b-day party. All I'm thinking is, wow..she's organized. I thought his party was on Saturday. I called another mom this evening on a different matter, she heard Ben's voice in the background, asked me who that was. I said Ben...she said, why isn't he at the birthday party. I messed up.

I called Ben in, we scrambled for clothes, sleeping bag, swimsuit, towel and toothbrush and toothpaste...really...what are the chances he will brush this evening, let alone tomorrow morning.
We left our house lickety split...on the drive over Ben said to me, Mom we are good teamwork together...I can't argue with that.

...everybody hurts, sometimes

It's amazing to me, for the support system I have. Everyday is a challenge, but something always happens with friends or family that can snap me out of it.

I met with a new doctor today, not for a physical..but a meet and greet. My doctor retired because of progressing Parkinson's. I made my own rules with my new doctor. She had to know all of my baggage before anything else. We talked for a long time, I even showed her the rubber bracelet Ben wanted to be made for everyone to remember his dad. She actually started crying. Compassion, I like that in a new doctor.

Ben's bible school would be cutting it too close for me to pick him up on time. My friend, Sara, picked him up and Ben ended up spending the afternoon at Gabe's house. He had a blast.

I've got alot of friends dealing, or soon to be dealing with stuff. I chose this song for Jack's service, maybe not appropriate, but if you knew Jack..appropriate. To my friends, hold on.

REM - Everybody hurts (with lyrics)

...just another hot day

Ben loves Bible Camp, he actually listens to the messages and gives me a play by play at home. The campers are given a new sticker to wear everyday, which pertains to the whole theme of the day. Ben has been saving them and writing a few words from his interpretation....nothing forced on my part.

As the evening weather became more tolerable, the boys came out. I always like to go out and talk with them. I started watering my flowers and I had three of my younger helpers on the deck with me. They actually took over for me. Out of the blue, the kids told me how much they missed Jack and still feel sad for me. That about broke my heart...these are neighbor kids who loved talking with him. Jack gave them the time of the day, he filled up their bike tires, balls, fixed stuck bike chains, replaced intertubes and played with them.

My little people care, they took the hose out of my hand..and they miss Jack, just like me.

...new beginnings

I grew up Catholic. Jack grew up Methodist.  No compromise, although he did vow to raise our children Catholic in our classes we took together, before we got married. That's water over the dam...or is it under the dam?  Damn, that confuses me!! Jack and I  kinda neglected religion...it was easier not to argue. As Ben was growing up, we realized he needed an education, foundation and a belief system. We went Lutheran. Even though my tenet's will always be with my church, Ben like's where we go.

My nieces are having Hazel and Grayson baptized in August, Ashley asked me if I wanted to include Ben. Since Jack and I had our differences, we have never had him baptized. This will be done at the Lutheran church...and Ben will be joining them:) Never too late.

...mom, it made me happy

It's Monday...my least favorite day of the week. I actually moved, did something. I found out a sorority sister of mine had died on July 15th. It affected me. We weren't the best of friends, but we had so many classes together, stayed up through the wee hours working on many films we made together, with other random students. I will miss Muffy, for everything she taught me. I pray for her family.

I signed Ben up for Vacation Bible School this week, he  wasn't thrilled about this 3hr deal. Mama needs a break though.

Ben and I haven't been back to church since Jack's service.  Reality, or memories set in for me. Ironically, out of all the places where the different grade classes could have met, we were assigned to the Chapel...the same place Jack had his service. My brain became fuzzy, my knees weak. I stayed a little longer than I should have. Ben had so many school buddies in the camp that he finally hugged me and said bye Mom. I think it probably was more disturbing for me.

Instead of hitting my usual Monday routine, I went to the grocery store. Folded back-up pods of clean clothes and did three more loads of laundry....folded those as well.

I talked to Ben at the end of the day...asked him about his feelings being back in the Chapel for the first time. He said...mom, it made me happy.

I think I'm a mess, why can't I be more evolved then my 10yr old boy, especially because I spend most of my waking hours worried about Ben's well-being. I hope this camp will help him in a spiritual way, obviously the Chapel gave him comfort..it made him happy.

...A is for Andy and Al..P is for Pam and J is for Jody!

Even though it's after 1:00 am, technically a new day, I'm writing as if it were still yesterday, the 16th. 2 families came over this evening, wow, my house has changed!  All for the better. Andy hit Jack's office and boxed up important files, made  two shredding garbage sacks, and put all the desks and equipment in the center of the room. He want's to give the room some color.

Al cleaned my whole kitchen..dusting everything and washing all the built up of dishware. Andy, I think, fixed my dishwasher. Pam, Jody and Al turned into home decoraters. Andy hung pictures. I had to go to my pharmacy to get a week-end emergency supply of my perscriptions...by the time I got home, they had re-arranged my family/living area, I absolutely love what they had done. I left my house with four creative people by themselves, came back in awe!!  They can come back any time! Pam brought up stuff from my basement...said it was a treasure trove of re-decoratng stuff.  The kids were good. Ben, at first, was in small shock over the couch and loveseat switching positions. His favorite spot was the place where the loveseat is now. He's crashed, doesn't, want to go upstairs and his long legs are hanging over it. He hates change....so do I.

I watched the wedding tape last night, it was also the rehearsal dinner. I laughed and cried..we all looked so young. I looked thin and didn't wear glasses:) Actually, my bro inlaw Scott, filmed the whole thing.

The 16th was just a day...I blogged in an earlier post that certain days wouldn't trigger anything. With so much symbolism behind that number..it gave me pause.

It just turned into two A's,a J and a P, all good. Cant't forget about one B...which stands for Ben.

...I fell deep

Tomorrow, I have a wedding anniversary, probably won't post. Our first date was on July 16th..I was 16 yrs old. We dated for 16 years before we got married...then got married on July 16th 1994. What in the hell does that all symbolize. Maybe too many sixes in the picture.

Our actual first date after the party we went to, was a movie at the Capri. We saw The Deep. Ironically, many years later, Jack and I scuba dove in the exact same spot where they filmed a climatic scene. It was on our honeymoon. I just lacked the white t-shirt and big breasts!!:)

I love you Jack...and will never forget, our time.

Life for me has put the whole grieving process on hold. I've gotta watch out for Ben and include Jack's parents in his life. We're having dinner with them on Sunday.

I've got a million memories flooding my brain right now...what stands out the most is his smile and total laughter he got from his friends, it usually could bring him to tears.

My Uncle Gary, recorded our wedding, which we never watched. I looked at his camera, walking down the aisle and said...it's a done deal! So much pressure to get married:) I may watch it tonight, and that may also bring me to tears.

...he's back

I was taken aback this morning, Ben arrived home at the time I thought he was checking out of camp. No big deal, but I was still in my jammies. I picked him up, twirled him around and we hugged for an eternity. After Neil's truck got unpacked, I listened to Ben recreate his camp days..priceless.

By mid-afternoon, after some kickball, he came in and crashed for about 2hrs. He was wiped out. He had alot of the neighbor boys in our backyard later on, doing some of the skills he had learned at boy scout camp.

I've got to thank Neil, from the bottom of my heart, he was the comfort zone for Ben...yet Ben also shared with me some Neil stories, that cracked me up. Ben was in good hands.

Ben, this evening, told me he missed camp...it had to have been great!

I also love the fact that these two guys got to know each other better. Ben told me Neil is funny..something I've known for a long time:)  Thank-you Neil for having my back!

...friends are the best medicine

Tonight, I went to Steph's house. She planned a get together with many Pi-Phi's and other college women I knew. My goal..get home in 2hrs. I have so much crap to deal with before Ben gets home tomorrow.

It was way too fun...stayed for 4hrs. We laughed, drank and ate. Laughter and stories were the highlight.
Hallie brought over a picture when I was a personal attendent in her wedding. I had a Flock of Seagulls hairdo going on (band from the 80's)...no one put a match to my head, I was combustible!!

Since coming home, I learned, the car I've been driving is not insured with me...only Jack. Our new car, which I haven't been driving is the car I'm insured on. I discover something new everyday..and make baby steps.

I wouldn't have traded tonight for making any other new discoveries...thank-you Steph:)...and to the other women who took time out of their lives, for giving me a dose of fun...best medicine ever.

...camp, day 2

I think I miss Ben more than he misses me. I just got an email update on everything the boys did today. They are having a blast. The list of activities included, rowboating, hiking, making a stool and 7 more things, I can't remember.

I had dinner this evening with all the scout Mom's. We had fun, but I'm the only one who has one child. They still had to get home. Our Den leader's wife, who is a friend of mine, told me she was worried about my drive home yesterday. She almost got in her car to follow me, I think she knew I was falling apart.

I got home this evening before 8, talked to friends and my sisters,  yet I'm tiptoeing...I keep thinking Ben's upstairs in bed...and I don't want to wake him. I'm thinking about him now in his tent, hoping he's okay.

Camp Mitigwa

Ben left this morning for camp. He isn't a boy for speaking his sentiments. When I drove him over to our Den Leader's house, I told him how much I was going to miss him...he said, I'll miss you too Mom.

We hung out for awhile, waiting for everybody to get there. As it came time to say good-bye, I held him tight...told him how much I loved him. He looked at me, in front of everybody and said I love you too. I cried the whole drive home, just as I'm doing now.

Neil sent me picture tonight. They had a paintball war. Ben looked so happy. I need to set aside my feelings, because he's going to have a blast.

I just miss him already.

You And Me Against The World by Helen Reddy...with Lyrics

...finding our way

Ben and I had a tough few hours today. He was trying to do something with the computer...which I'm clueless about. He got so frustrated and mad, that he started kicking things around. I became livid on his tantrum. He cried for about 20 minutes. We were late going to Jack's parents house. Grammy gave Ben a fresh haircut for camp. Ben told me he was sorry on the drive over. In my mind, I kept saying, I'm sorry too baby doll, that this has become your life.

...life long friends

I've got nothing tonight. Stayed up way too late talking to Wendy. She is my inspiration. Her baby is 17yrs old and  has a severe case of Autism. I don't know Danny, but I love him. She is there 100% .

Wendy has wisdom beyond her old age:). She helps me put things into perspective. I wish I could help her a little more.

...camp in 3 days, perfect.

Interesting day at the homestead. Ben went golfing this morning. As night approached, the boys wanted to make a fire in the sand trap. I was okay with that, I even bought ingrediants for smores. Ben, my little fire marshall had the hose nearby. Someone, used a can of Off to help ignite it, while later on someone threw in a lighter...which made a small explosion. I was watching them the whole time...maybe that one split second, when I went to the restroom I was off the clock.  Thank God I have awesome neighbors, who put a stop to the whole thing...and gave them a lecture to boot. The fire wasn't the issue, it was the flammables. Couldn't agree more. The thing about it is, they're all good boys. But when they form, it's like Lord of the Flies...they turn into savages. I'm doing the best I can. All the business I need to take care of has been on the back-burner. Camp can't come soon enough. I need my eyes for the mound of paperwork that has piled up, instead of my backyard.

On another note, thank-you Diana, Wendy and especially Steph.

Stephie and I were college freshman together, the best of friends. We wreaked havoc on many!  Life gets in the way with friends...but if you're a true friend, you can easily pick up where you left off.

Since Jack died, Steph came back into my life. What a blessing. She has planned a get together at her house next week when Ben's at camp. The funny thing was I had no choice..thanks Steph, for making me move.

The song is for all my people..everyday someone gives me strength.

Chantal Kreviazuk In My Life

SNL-More Cowbell-Will Ferrell

...we all need more cowbell

Jack, loved that SNL skit of Will Ferrell and Christopher Walken, he got the tears kinda laugh. I could use a little more cowbell, as I suspect many of you readers could as well. As I mentioned in an earlier post, we all have a story, I've learned of some of them. Keep on keeping...

All-Stars is officially over. We lost. I'm starting to understand the politics of baseball. I watched three capable boys on the bench for the last three nights. They traded off in the outfield. Obviously, coaches line-up didn't win one game. At least I can say it didn't happen on Ben's watch. As I told Ben, it was such an honor to be a part of the team...to just remember that aspect.

It looks like Neil is going to Boy Scout Camp...Ben's excited.  He asked me if it were only for one night. I asked him if it would be okay if he went the whole time?...his response, that would be great.
My tough exterior boy is the most sensitive kid in the world. Even though all his buddies will be at camp, their dad's will be there too. Thank-you Neil...I'll buy you a cowbell.

...time to face reality

I ignored the date today. Ben had his second All-Star game, we lost. We also lost the night before...don't get me wrong these were nail biters.  We needed to win two out of the three games we are playing, looks like the season is over. The silver lining is Ben gets to go to Boy Scout camp, something Jack signed him up for this spring. Three nights with good friends at camp, I think he'll be happy. Jack, also signed himself up for the trip.

I've got four days and three nights..as much as I complain about the boys, I will miss it, especially Ben.

Pam has already found a buyer for my Honda, even though it's not on the market.

She's five steps ahead of me...probably a good thing.

I got you, Babe by Sonny and Cher (studio version with lyrics!)

...writer's block

I finally get what Jack went through on a daily basis, something that he had often complained about...writer's block. I used to talk him out of it, or just give him a massage. That always used to ease the tension. He always asked for my advice, or preferences on his ideas that he has pitching. Although I didn't get my degree from ISU, I was a radio, tv, film major. I graduated in my final year at Drake...  many moons older, yet wiser. When Jack was in charge of producing a video..besides writing the whole thing, I often gave him suggestions on appropriate music, to fit his audience. It always worked out.

I can't say Jack and I were together all the years I have known him..that would be a lie. We broke up many times...I think we grew as individuals on each break-up. The weird part about our last and longest break-up, before we moved in together, was we both brought in our apartment, the exact same novels, that both of us discovered..kinda freaky.

I was 15 when I fell in love with him. I guess, tonight, I have writer's block and wish he could snap me out of it. I'm now 49yrs old...we have a history. In my story, if I were a writer, I would give us a future...tomorrow is 3months...Ben is hitting the batting cages.

....ribs, baseball..and Neil

Yesterday, I had some issues, nothing life shattering, but I wasn't able to blog.
Tonight was Rib-Fest, the annual party and competition at Pam's house. T-shirts are printed every year. Those who chose to compete could enter their ribs in the voting. There were also two different pie competions. Chanel 13 came this year, filmed some highlights.

Ben and I missed most of that action, he had an All-Star practice...I had to commit 100 percent for this season, so we had to leave. No one gets it, unless it's your own kid. We did come back:)

This was the time of year when Jack and I hit the road, our destination was usually Colorado. I kept a journal on two of our trips.

July 4th 1998

9:10am- leaving Hy-Vee parking lot
Destination: Colorado Springs
64 cassette tapes should keep us entertained.
1st tape- Smashing Pumpkins-Adore
Road Kill:
Big dead crow
Big dead deer
Lots of guts on the road from various dead animals, dead cat, big dead raccoon.

1st gas stop : Grand Island, NE.
We arrived in Colorado Springs after 11hrs and 48min. We were listening to The Stones, Hot Rocks album.(Excellent choice Jack)
We checked into our hotel just in time to watch the best 4th of July fireworks we had ever seen. Our parking lot was filled with specators. All we had to do was stand on our balcony.We saw so many things that had never been shown in Iowa, colors and fireworks turning into shapes.

That was my entry in my journal. The next early evening, we drove into Telluride...our vacation spot.

For some reason, July was always our travel month

Rib-Fest was a blast, as always....granted, we  missed a ton of the festivities.

Neil called out of the blue, as I was searching for my travel journal, he was surprised that I answered my phone.  He needs more recognition, than mentioned now...he deserves a whole blog...that's how much he means to me..and that's how much Jack loved him. Stars and stripes forever:)

...my firecracker, Pam

My sister Pam got home from vacation..got caught up with this blog..and in her genteel way, told me she was going to get on my butt to make some progress.  How does one have a little sister, who has become your big sister? She has become my coach, my guiding light....she's bossy that way, but you always perform for her, she's scary:)...but she does make me move.

Andy took all the kids to the Missouri border after work, to buy contraband. I gave Ben money and told him to buy anything cheap, nothing that shot in the air. He came home with the safest, should be legal, fireworks.

In 1931, the town of Spencer almost burned down...over 100 stores went to the ground, due to fireworks.
Iowa banned them in 1983.

I'm always there to moniter...so was Jack. We were both lifeguards...we knew how to make a controlled environment, even if it were fireworks.

While Ben was gone I called his parents. They miss him...such a double entendre. I'm going to take Ben to their house tomorrow while I try to get something done.

If Pam is my firecracker...Ben is my sparkler, he brightens up anyone's day..especially mine, with his smile and  personality. He was given a free wheel cart this morning to tote his golf clubs and tons of free roman candles in Missouri, probably just cuz, but I like to think it's because of him:)